Shall I Leave DH?

[Honeybee111]

Me and my DH have been together 16 years, married for almost 14. We have a lovely house, two wonderful sons( 11 and 14), pets, two cars, fantastic friends.... I couldn't ask for more.

However, I found Cocaine residue on the kitchen counter yesterday morning when I came downstairs. We had been out late the previous night with friends, DH always has a lot to drink, he says himself that he has no "off switch". He brought a friend back and continued drinking, I went to bed.

We I confronted him, he said "there shouldn't be" any Coke but didn't deny it either. We haven't spoken properly since.
Over the last ten years, this is approx the 4th time I caught him. He never tells me where it comes from and how often he uses it. He's always sooo apologetic about it, telling me it was the last time.

What to do? I love him dearly, at the same time I'm heartbroken and angry. We said that our family home was no place for drug use (or anywhere else for that matter). I feel like a doormat.

I would struggle financially to live alone, and I'd break the kids' hearts.
My husband is extremely popular with everyone, so I can't talk to friends or my parents as they think the world of him. They would be devastated. So would his family.

Do I "rock the boat" and sacrifice my amazing life? Or do I carry on, not being able to trust him? Or am I overreacting?

Any thoughts gratefully received. I am so confused.

@Honeybee111 sorry to hear you're in this situation OP. I'd give him an ultimatum. If he needs professional help I'd also signpost him if nothing changes that would be the final straw for me.

The problem is people that use any sort of substance whether it's an addiction/habit or in a social situation become extremely good at hiding their use. There's always going to be that paranoia in the back of your mind. You need to be firm and straightforward with your boundaries and if he can't accept them then I'd call it a day unfortunately. X

It is a fact that some people can take drugs occasionally without it meaning they have a problem or addiction. No, I don't approve of using coke in a family home (or anywhere really) but I definitely don't think this is a LTB situation unless you know he has a problem that is affecting your family life, finances, marriage etc. He needs to be really honest about how much he does and you need to decide if you believe him or not I guess.

I agree with the above poster they get so good at hiding it that I’d always wonder what else they were hiding. For me once the trust is gone (and he’d done it so many times over a long period) it would make me think he wouldn’t / couldn’t give it up and for me bringing it into the home of his children, and so carelessly left it so they’d possibly be in contact with it, would be absolutely a new level.

You can try ultimatums and setting rules, but let’s be honest it’s been nearly a 15 year occurrence. That said why should your life now be turned upside down and be harder because of his lack of control? I’d be absolutely raging to be put in your position and he’d know it.

Difficult. You‘d be punishing yourself just as much as him.
talk to him. Tell him how hurt you are. If he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care about your feelings and that’s a reason for divorce. If he is apologetic, convince him to do some type of therapy?

I have a huge issue with the kitchen counter aspect when you’ve got kids at home. That’s another whole levels of selfish and irresponsible. I don’t think I’d get divorced over it but I would be laying out significant ground rules going forwards.

Recreational coke use in my wealthy SE town has become so endemic that the pubs have started to remove all their toilet cisterns (a favourite place for a line or two)
I'm not saying it's fine - far from it - but it is insanely common.

Wouldn't be a divorce thing for me - especially given how much you have to lose - it would be crazy to punish yourself AND your kids for DHs actions but I would definitely be having a conversation about never again in the house .. and want to know if he has a problem

If he does it now and again it wouldn't bother me tbh.

But it needs to be cleaned up properly when there are kids in the house.

Was he taking it off the kitchen counter?