Don't want to disclose that I'm autistic

[PointWriter]

I was diagnosed with autism in my mid 30s (a few years ago) - I present as high functioning, mask extremely well, some social things I do understand and close friends/family say I come across pretty 'normal'.

I have a need for routine, an intense anxiety of going anywhere new, perfectionist thinking, hyper focus, obsessions with things that then get dropped once I'm 'done' with them. I've always felt very different to others, as though they had a rule book to life that I wasn't given.

I'm self aware so I can recognise/edit myself when interacting with people (I try not to interrupt, not over share, to focus and listen, try to be myself and not just mirror who I'm with, out of habit)

I've recently joined a new hobby group and get on well with someone else there, she's suggested we meet in X place for coffee and shopping but the place is not one of my 'safe' places to go.

I'd be mortified to tell her the real reason I can't go so I've made an excuse and given an alternative plan but I feel like this is being deceptive.

AIBU to hide my autism? I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I'm not normal.

Hi, I am suspecting that I may be autistic too and have just asked for an assessment. My feeling is that you should be honest about your autism. You've got nothing to be ashamed of and unless this other women is an absolute cow she won't be bothered. The more of us that are upfront about it, the more acceptance in society will improve. There are a lot of misconceptions about what it means to be autistic and a lot of it is inaccurate. You've got nothing to hide and nothing to lose from being honest.

Thanks for your reply, I hope your assessment is helpful for you!

You're right when you say: There are a lot of misconceptions about what it means to be autistic and a lot of it is inaccurate and I'm worried about being judged and people distancing themselves.

You sound a lot like me, OP (also diagnosed later in life). After decades of masking it was such a relief that I was happy to disclose it where it was helpful or relevant. Some people have been slightly “off” with me as a result but others have been totally fine, so I see it as a way of sorting the wheat from the chaff!

In your position I’d breezily mention it (in the same way as a wheelchair user might need to say “I’m afraid that cafe isn’t accessible, do you mind if we choose another?” You have nothing to feel ashamed about here). If she’s funny with you then you know she’s ignorant and not worth any more of your time. Good luck!

Please be kinder to yourself OP. Have you thought about working through these feeling with a therapist? It’s ok not to want to tell everyone everything about yourself, but it’s not okay to give yourself a hard time about being ‘not normal’. With the increasing diagnosis rate, the chances are that autism IS normal, in the sense that it’s a smaller but still significant proportion of the population. And always has been, we were just shit at recognising or understanding it.

I used to feel ashamed or worried that people would think less of me. But since having DC and having to advocate for them, I’m a lot more forthright about things. I don’t want DS to grow up feeling ashamed, so why should I be?

If she judges you she isn't a new friend at all. Better to know early. However if.you dont tell her but come across as only ever wanting to do your plans she will incorrectly think badly of you and it may impact a potential great friend.

It is obviously ok to tell her but it is equally fine not to. We all have private medical info that we don't share. Why should this be different? You don't know her well so why would you share private medical info with her?

You don't owe anyone that information if you don't want to share. I relate to a lot of what you wrote, but I can go anywhere. I don't tell people I'm autistic because no-one believes me anyway.

I don't usually disclose irl. I find if I do then people treat me differently to be nice and I hate that. I've had people recognise it and subtly adapt, that's what I prefer. If they don't, I am used to that too.

Lots of people don't like going to places. I would just say you don't like it and continue with the friendship. If you want to later you can disclose the real reason or keep it to yourself. They sound like a nice group.

Just say you'd prefer to go to xxxx instead. You don't need to explain why you don't want to meet at the locations she's suggested.

Navigating this with my teen ds right now.
And for myself, though I’m undiagnosed. Many people change the way they interact with you when they view you through the lens of autism. It adds a layer of complication to the relationship.

I think you have the right to choose how you identify and what information you reveal. There are loads of reasons why anyone would prefer to meet in one coffee shop or avoid another.

Disclose on your own terms, or not. But you don’t owe anyone this information

Really appreciate the replies, thank you.

I agree I shouldn't be ashamed but there is a perception of autism in society and I don't feel comfortable being judged solely through that lens - but I feel awful for not being honest.

I feel as though I'm being manipulative to say 'I don't like X, can we meet up Y' - or even worse, that she'll be offended that I don't like her choice of meet up.

I used to say yes to things I knew would be difficult to attend but persuade myself I could go - then inevitably would feign illness/world disaster and cancel, but I soon realised how shitty this is for the other person and don't do this anymore.

It's so hard to navigate, I just want to be normal and be able to go anywhere new! I do envy those that can.

There are loads of things I'd love to do/go to but I can't, it's really life-limiting.

Hi OP, it is totally up to you- you don't need to share any info you don't want to.

Ideally. Don't lie, as you'll feel better, but you can easily change venue without lying.

"Oh actually I really like X place. It has great muffins... would that be ok with you?"

"X place would be easier for me. How would that suit you?"

Once you get to know her more, hopefully you'll feel comfortable to share fully, but no need to so early on. It's nothing to be ashamed of course, but it's personal your information!

I really relate to what you're saying. I have a different diagnosis which I think may be incorrect but I have these feelings, presentations too. I now find it difficult to go anywhere, don't enjoy socialising and just love being at home. I tell people I'm close to that I have issues with anxiety and find it difficult at times to go anywhere and really need to decompress at home. I know I SHOULD be able to be open but it's stigmatised and I hear how people talk about those who have been open. When I retire I'll be open but until then I need to protect my career, income and my mental health so I totally understand your feeling.

I have adhd and autism, I haven’t even disclosed it to some of my family and to very few friends. I am open about my adhd at work but haven’t really disclosed my autism outside of management. Absolutely fine not to tell people if you don’t want to.

I've noticed that more extroverted people are quite quick to say if they don't want to do something/ go somewhere, and don't give a particular reason to justify it.

You could choose a response like

' that's not for me'
' I didn't have a good experience there'
' I'm not so keen on'

Can't you quickly visit this new place before you meet her there?

Then it won't be new to you anymore.

Sorry I don't understand how visiting quickly would make it less new?