Another one on ASD child and no party invite

[Tiffanyone]

I made friends with a couple of Mums when all our children were babies and are similar in age. We met up regularly and have done ever since. We live very near each other.
DC are now all 4 years old. Things have taken a different path for me with DD as she has an autism diagnosis.
These Mum friends have always invited her to their kids birthday parties. Which I’ve always thought is really lovely as my dd struggles to connect with other children and hasn’t been invited to many parties.
A few months ago I happened to be walking past one of the Mums houses on my way somewhere and I saw balloons/banners outside the door and a couple of kids going inside with presents. I also saw my other Mum friends car parked outside the house.
Nothing was mentioned to me about this party and I even dropped a gift round the night before.
I’ve bumped into them both since and they seem really awkward with me and are acting like they want to avoid me.
Even months later I feel quite sad about the whole thing, am I being too sensitive?
Side note, dd is not aggressive and rarely has meltdowns in public, so this is definitely not the reason for not being invited.
Dd wasn’t with me thankfully, so isn’t aware of the party.

That's really horrible of them. I'd honestly ignore it because people will always be like this. If your daughter is generally well behaved in public, was it a thing related to your friendship with each other?

Really nasty of them! Please rest assured your DD will make friends as time passes.

Do all the DC actually get on and see each other as friends, or do they just get put together because all their mums are friends? It may have nothing to do with your DD’s autism: four is the sort of age where children begin actually having opinions on their friendships and want to invite their friends from nursery / school / clubs over the children they’ve just always had to play with because their mums wanted them to. A lot of these relationships will naturally drift, particularly once all the DC are in school and developing different social connections - your DD included - without it being a slight on you or DD.

That’s a tricky one as parties at home are usually for less guests than a church hall type event, so numbers may have been limited - so they could have been quite ruthless with the guest list I guess. Around the age of 4, kids start to decide who to invite to their birthdays but any younger it’s usually mum friends inviting other mum friends. More info is needed to discuss if they were being unreasonable - are all the kids in the same class, do they choose to spend time together etc?

I really sympathize, OP - my DC and I are both ND and we had a similar thing happen (even before either of us was diagnosed). In my case, I’m pretty sure we were rejected because we both just come across as slightly “different” and it unsettled the group of basic mums I thought I’d befriended (DC was very quiet at parties etc so it wasn’t a behaviour issue). The good news is that not many things give you a thicker skin than having a child with SEND and as someone who previously got very upset about this sort of thing, I now genuinely don’t care and see it as a bonus if someone ignorant decides to avoid us. Saves us wasting more time on them! It took my DC years to make friends but they are now 12 and have some lovely, supportive friendships. The mums you mention sound cowardly and unkind for not having the decency to tell you about the party when you brought round a present. I’d honestly just delete their numbers and move on — they sound like wankers. FWIW I’ve made a few lovely mum friends through school but have lost touch with everyone I knew from the preschool days. Hang in there 💐

This age their friendship groups change RAPIDLY. I doubt it’s because your daughter is autistic. The moms prob just feel awkward because the birthday child didn’t want to invite your child and they didn’t handle it well.

I do feel for you OP

But as kids get older it's difficult for parents to insist they invite certain kids, just because the parents are friends, because eventually the kids form their own natural friendships.

Having said that, at 4 years old most parents do still have control somewhat of the invitation list.

I do understand that it may be the case where the child hasn’t wanted to invite dd. That’s fine, it’s sad for dd but it’s my own issue to work through. All 3 kids don’t generally play together outside the Mum meet ups. They all go to different nurseries/school. So it did feel quite personal to my dd as the other child was invited. I suppose what’s worse is how they’ve acted since then, it makes me feel like I’m the one in the wrong.

In the nicest possible way, your DD will get over it. It’s one party, she’ll be fine and she’ll make lots of other friends I’m sure. I think the issue maybe is with you and the other moms ask yourself do you really need them if they’re going to be funny with you but not explain why. I get it hurts, but life is too short to worry about stuff like this. If the moms wants to play silly games if that’s what they’re doing then let them. Don’t message any of them and see if they message or anything you’ll soon see where the land lays so to speak.

I think you are over reacting. You don't get invited to everything and best to learn that now.

I think 4 is the age when party invites start being about who the dc is friends with, rather than who the parents are friends with. Are you sure the party wasn't mainly for nursery or school friends? Are your dds good friends, or just play together when the adults get together?

I'm not sure it's nasty, but I understand the worry about friendships.

When ds was 4 we mainly invited friends from school.

It is probably not about your DD at all. I say this as my ds has special needs too.

I know it's hard though to be left out though. Big hugs. ❤️

@Josette77 gives good advice here. They may have a limit, and they are maybe putting school friends first. It is going to happen in the future too in all sorts of ways that seem fickle or odd to you, and unlikely to be related to ND. I've got 4 and we had all sorts of situations, and have hosted all sorts too, dependent on cost, allowed numbers, friendships "of the time" and so on, and it is pretty relentless. You sort of have to raise yourself above it all, because it is probably the best thing you can do for your child and for your own parent-to-parent relationships. "Ah well, it is probably because.....explanation". I sometimes used to say "ah, well, we wouldn't be able to go anyway because we are going to X" which I think helped them. I know it probably hurts a bit, but don't lose heart.

This would sting for me too. I think unless you have a child who's autistic and struggles socially you don't get how extra shit this is.

Even worse if they are backing away from you.

Saying that my 'mum' friends and I did parties until reception then everyone started inviting school friends. (I struggled with this as ds didn't really have friends) but I had to accept things had moved on.

But the fact the other mum was there. Are these mums a bit closer, do their kids have a common interest? I'd be a bit hurt by this but if you say anything it's going to push them further away.

Much more likely to be friends the child wanted to invite, or nursery friends before they've made new school friends

I get why you’re upset as your other friend was invited, but, the reality is that they may have had to make difficult decisions because they were hosting it at home and therefore had limited space, and the child may have wanted to invite more friends from nursery.

I am good friends with 2 mums from my antenatal class, so our 3 year olds do hang out, but i have a boy and the 2 girls are ‘closer’. A gang of 3 doesn’t mean equal friendships.

It’s possible they are just trying to avoid an awkward conversation with you. But i agree they haven’t handled it in the best way.

I would suck it up though tbh as this will be a thing for years to come. Birthday party politics at school has been a thing even I remember from the 90s.

I’d personally just assume it was a smaller more select party rather than a larger one where everyone gets an invite. What you will find is that parties get smaller and smaller over the next few years. By 10 years old mine were doing more expensive activities with a best friend or two. So I think best to opt not to take things personally and do something special with DD and a friend if she feels she’s missing out.

My daughter had a friend from nursery who we used to continue to invite to her school birthday parties. She was a quiet well behaved child - very bookish - but she struggled to join in at these parties and usually my m’n’law would end up giving her one-to-one attention.

I think unless you have a child who's autistic and struggles socially you don't get how extra shit this is.

This. Also, speculation about it being a numbers issue, letting the birthday child choose who to invite, etc, doesn’t explain these mums’ unpleasantness towards OP since the party. They’re quite clearly excluding her and it’s vile behaviour.

My child is autistic and she was never once invited to a party not even one, she went all the way through primary school never receiving one invite but this isn't the case here you said she is usually invited so perhaps there is a different reason she wasn't invited it's not like they've always excluded her and this has been one time

OP, in the kindest way possible I think you're going to need to build a hard shell for the coming years. I too have a dc with asd who used to be invited to parties but by 4 that all stopped. I have an elder dc who is nt but even he didn't get invited to everything. My asd dc is 8 now and has no friends. Not saying yours won't but we're accepting now that his path won't look like other children's. He finds enjoyment and pleasure in his own activities now.

Feeling same as you. Darling daughter 4 year old, is a little different. She has not been diagnosed but I think she is on the spectrum. Stretches a lot if overwhelmed. Is a gestalt speaker.

She comes home and says I want to go to a birthday party randomly. Then, I found out the other day that bunch of kids were having birthday parties. I feel sad for her, I also feel sad for myself because that is something outside of my control.

My Heart aches —-😔

It's shit but you will have to get used to it. I could count on one hand the number of parties my asd dd got invited to all the way through school.

People talking about who the children play with and if they are friends are slightly missing why that hurts. Nobody wants to think their child has no friends that like them well enough to invite to a party. That's what happens with some autistic kids. They are socially awkward and struggle to build friendships and the not being invited to parties is like a big flashing beacon saying "this child has no friends, not even the ones you thought they had" it hurts like hell.

I'm not saying everyone has to invite the autistic child. Just have a little compassion. Understand that missing out on that party you expected an invitation for isn't just missing one party. It's possibly the only party they could have gone to.