Wife’s parents unsupportive

[Missedvocation]

Hi. I’ve just finished a day with my In Laws round, went to the pub for Sunday lunch, ate cake, usual stuff. They’re generally nice, we’ve holiday’d together in the past etc.

My Wife is 2 weeks from giving birth. They didn’t ask how she was, and declared that they’ve booked a two week holiday that covers the period of the birth.

So that there’s no drip feed:

• we have a 3 year old daughter, who will now have to stay with friends during the birth (original plan was in laws)
• we have spent most of our 15 year relationship moving house and living all over (military). We finally live only 45 minutes away from them - for context for much of it we have lived a 12 hour drive away
• They rarely come round, and get annoyed that we don’t go round theirs mid week
• we both work full time Mon-Fri
• They are great with our daughter and are loving grandparents
• They didn’t wish my wife good luck for the birth, they rushed off and my MiL was complaining that her foot hurt
• they are both retired and aren’t busy people
• We had a stillbirth in 2019, that they don’t talk about. We do - we are open.
• They have never asked my wife how she is feeling throughout the entire pregnancy, and only ever talk about themselves. We have had more support today from extended family passing on good wishes than them for the whole pregnancy.
• My wife is upset, but not that bothered because ‘they’ve always been like that’

so - the AIBU is: Should I expect more from Her parents? And also ‘Should my wife be more angry with them than she is?’ - I’m raging, but am keeping it to myself so that I don’t pass negativity to my wife.

We had a stillbirth in 2019, that they don’t talk about.

That is probably why they won't be around. You have no idea if they have suffered one/many themselves.

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable tbh but you sound like such a kind, caring husband.

Should I expect more from Her parents? No but for your own sake. Manage your expectations so you don't get your hopes up for them to be crashed again.

‘Should my wife be more angry with them than she is?’

Why? So she can spend the rest of her life angry and frustrated? So she can cut off the small amount she does get from them?

It's not unreasonable for you to see them as a bit shit, that's fine. They are a bit shit. Wanting your wife to feel a certain way about that is not OK. They are her parents, she can feel whatever say she feels about them.

Everyone is different and cope with things differently. They also suffered the loss of your baby (though not comparing it to your loss). Perhaps they've been used to you living far away and the relationship is more distant, perhaps they are private people. Your wife feels like she feels. Parents are just people and don't always live up to expectations.

What @MrsTerryPratchett said.

I understand you being disappointed, but sometimes in life it is much better to accept 'that's the way it is' and live your lives knowing that, rather than being angry that other people don't live up to what you hope they might be, when that isn't who they are.

It’s tricky when expectations don’t match up. Did they know they were your childcare for the birth? Had that been planned and arranged? That would have me fuming!

Thanks all for your posts. You are right that there is some unresolved trauma post stillbirth for them, and that they are very routined and for want of a better phrase closer to neurodivergent than not - so thinking of others isn’t always the first thing they do.

They did know that they were the childcare solution. My MiL said that now they were going on holiday I’d have to stay with my daughter at home while my wife did the labour on her own. She was amusingly flabbergasted when I said that we’d have to ask friends as me not being at the birth was not an option. For all sorts of reasons. She’s now annoyed that we ‘are putting friends out’.

Originally the friends were only getting a dog for the labour, now they’re getting a child and someone else is getting the dog 😆 (they are kind friends are we have not been expectant of them).

I think I’m just angry myself, and disappointed that they aren’t better for my wife. I feel sad that she wasn’t supported as a child / teenager.

Aw they just sound a bit shit. But they're not your parents so keep out of it..

It sounds to me that your wife has realistic expectations of them and you perhaps have a different (better?) relationship with your own parents so expect her parents to be more in line with this.

I hope all goes well with the birth. I went through a neonatal death and family never, ever mention it or include her as one of my children which really hurts. I’m not excusing your in laws but from my own experience and plenty of Sands meetings I’ve been to, I suspect they have no idea what to say or of your feelings. I disagree with the previous poster who says perhaps they have experienced similar because in my experience, those who have get it and your in laws don’t.

I think I’m just angry myself, and disappointed that they aren’t better for my wife. I feel sad that she wasn’t supported as a child / teenager.

And sadness and anger is normal for someone seeing this from the outside. But if she has a healthy dose of denial and acceptance, please don't try to recruit her into anger and sadness. I assume she already went through that.

Where are your parents? Can they help.

Look they are clearly useless and they have let you down but it’s not for you to encourage your dw to feel anything. It seems as though your dw’s expectations are very much in line with reality, probably because she has likely had a lifetime of this. I truly wish they could be better for her but she seems to have accepted the situation which is a much healthier position to be in than the alternative. It doesn’t serve either of you to be constantly angry or upset at their disappointing behaviour. It won’t make them into the parents/grandparents you think they should be, it will just mean that you’re both dwelling on their crapness. Your dw has this situation under control and you should support her.

That's really shit of them to back out of looking after DD for the birth.

Your MIL is probably now cross with you for finding more reliable friends to help because it makes her look bad!

I think it's shitty to agree and then back out of looking after their grandchild. So flaky and selfish!
You and your wife have a choice - either tell them they are awful parents or learn to accept a limited relationship, where you can't rely on help from them. Neither option is better or worse, just different. And remember that lack of support goes both ways - you aren't under any obligation to help them out either in future.