Not getting it right as a mum, hoped it would be better by now

[Und11]

Single parent, Dd 18 months today. It’s just made me realise how unhappy I am. I found the first year ok, her dad has always been around and basically seen her every weekend without fail. He does his bit but due to shift work it’s impossible for him to do weekdays really. It just wouldn’t work.

Anyway, I don’t think being a single parent is the issue. I think the issue is me. Ex contributes over 1k a month for fee which covers most her cost so I don’t have that stress, though obviously I still have to work to pay bills. My job is flexible, I work from home mostly. Why aren’t I coping? Why do I find it so hard suddenly? Ds isn’t even difficult, he’s really easy going. I just find the whole thing such a faff, there is literally always something to think about. Ex could do more, for example he only has ds one night a week but again that’s due to work. Similarly he leaves me to buy all clothes etc but then he does fund it. My friends have been quite brutal with me and said I have more support than most married people and I need to stop the pity party. I know they’re right. I’m just a rubbish mum aren’t I. I thought as time went on it would get easier. I’m drained.

*ds!

It does get easier, but under 3 is just by its nature exhausting. I'm sure you're doing fine, and sounds like you have a wonderful DS to show for it. Don't be too hard on yourself - being a parent is not a competition that some people win and others lose. We're all just trying our best and getting some bits right and some wrong

We're all winging it OP, motherhood is hard work!

Uhm no your not rubbish...financial support is nothing like emotional support..which tbh in the early days is far more valuable imo.

I feel like a rubbish mum tbh. I am exhausted and anxious..that completely changes how i function..when i am recharged and have a good day, i do so much better and become how i want to be..but when i haven't slept, can't recharge and im on the go with them constantly, everything feels like its falling apart, my brain can't keep up.

You can chuck me all the money you want, but its not going to get me rested, my day going like clockwork and my LO to suddenly eat her dinner and go bed.

You aren't a rubbish mum. Being a mum, like any job takes practice and experience.

When my ds was 2 I relied on my childminder to potty train ds because I just could not get it right.

13 years later, I've got it sorted. Schools, GCSEs, shaving, girls, alcohol. Easy.

No one is perfect. All kids are different and none of them come with a manual. Give yourself time. And even then, there will always be surprises. One day at a time.

You’re finding it hard because it is hard! It’s relentless and there’s never a moment you can really switch off once you’re a parent. You sound like you’re doing a good job but you’re probably exhausted and in need of some headspace for yourself. Can his dad take some annual leave and have him for a week so you can get a proper break (if that’s something that you would feel comfortable with). He must be entitled to A/L and it’s not unreasonable for him to spend some of it with his son. Also regarding your friends, they don’t sound very supportive. It’s not a competition as to who has it the hardest. Just because someone else might be worse off doesn’t mean you can’t feel fed up with your own situation.

Thanks. Sitting her sobbing. I feel like such a failure. He is such an amazing boy and I’m letting him down so much by not always being happy

Sweetheart, moral support and help with the mental load is worth far more than money - your friends are being jealous bitches.

You’re doing it mostly solo with all the mental load, you’re doing amazing.

The only thing I can advise is to get something for yourself, it doesn’t have to be an elaborate hobby, but something to think about that’s not work or parenting.

I think you’re doing a fab job - just the very thought you are thinking you’re not means you are !!

It is hard being a Mum, it’s relentless and doing it practically solo is tough.

financial support isn’t getting up in the night, tidying the toys,buying the shopping,loading the washing machine, making a brew, making dinner (I could go on and on) ……it isn’t someone to chat to about a shit day or laughing at a comedy on the tv with.

Ypu are doing all this whilst also grieving the loss of a relationship… and you’re entitled to feel a bit sad about a life you thought you had !!

it WILL be ok and when you look back this will feel like the shortest of time you doubted yourself so badly - but yep !! We are all just winging it !!

Your friends are being dicks!

I have an 18mo and a REALLY hands on husband who works 3 days a week, I also work 2 days a week (we both work 24 hour shifts) a week. I'm have so much help and I'm exhausted from the relentlessness of it all.

I genuinely do not know how single parents do it, like at all! You are doing a flipping wonderful job, I can't stress that enough!

As pp said, it's not you, it's just being a mum. I'm going to suggest though that you speak to GP or Health Visitor. I developed PND once my DD was just over a year old. Could you be suffering something similar?

I was in the same position; Ex-H found it much easier to fling money my way rather than DO anything. When you realise that it really is all down to you, it can be a huge burden.
Just remember, these days will not last forever.

Looking after small children is an utter grind, it’s not the money it’s the doing everything that gets you down. It’s exhausting. Don’t beat yourself up OP.

You are doing a great job. And emotional support is just as important as financial support.

Your ex sound reasonable, at least. Can you have a chat to him and say you appreciate the financial support, but you are feeling like you really need a break at the moment, very tired and generally feel unwell, and could he find a way to have your child for a couple of nights sometime soon so that you can catch up on sleep and get some rest and recouperation.

I read that if you’re worried about whether you’re a “good mum” that automatically puts you in the good mum bracket because you’re thinking and reflecting. My DPs mum was a shit mum. Trust me, she never had such thoughts

It took me until I had 3 and my oldest was about 6 before I felt like I'd got used to having all these things to think about naturally , it was like I actively had to remember I'd got to plan in how to go about things all the time. It's such an adjustment and there aren't many things or anything else that happens overnight and there's no going back from. I'm sure you are doing just fine. But I think maybe you should expect more of the father. Shifts mean he just has to plan differently.