I want to leave my husband but don't know how

[ducklin]

Posting here for traffic really!

Been with my husband for 19 years married 12 years, 3 kids 11, 9 and 6.

I've made the decision that I want to leave him, but I don't know how. He isn't a horrible man but I'm just unhappy, there is no fun in our relationship and the spark has just gone.

How do I start the conversation to tell him, he's oblivious to the fact I'm unhappy.

I'm worried how it will affect the kids, will they hate me / resent me.

Where do I go, I obviously want the kids with me, he would never cope with them anyway but where do I go, can I ask him to leave the family home when its me leaving him?

I'm worried how I'll manage financially as I have no savings so if I did have to find somewhere else to live how could I do that with no money. All my wage gets paid into the joint account and I could cover all our current outgoings with my wage but it would be tight! We have a joint mortgage etc.

I'm worried what other people will think of me, friends and family, my parents and his parents are very traditional and I suppose believe once you're married that's it. I think they'll be really dissapointed in me.

I suppose I just want some practical advise on how to navigate this.

I think that in these circumstances it's you who needs to offer to leave. He might realise he wouldn't cope with the kids and be the one to leave in the end, but you've not given any examples of him being a poor or inadequate parent.

Have you considered couples councelling or even "dating" each each other again to try and bring the spark back? You might be surprised. I've got a friend who's husband lost interest the same as you have done, they worked at it and are genuinely back in love again. It doesn't sound like you've made any effort, which is shame.

Well you can't ask him to leave any more than he can ask you to. You both have equal rights to the marital home and all assets - and your children.

You really do need to sit down with him and talk. Perhaps he is as unhappy as you are - it's sad if he still loves you, but if one of you wants to end it then it has to end.

The way to avoid your children and family hating you is to be scrupulously fair and kind to your DH.

The house will probably need to be sold and each of you can get your own places hopefully, and arrange parenting equably and with consideration of each other and especially your children.

It will be hard and painful but it's certainly doable if you work together in splitting up, ironically.

He doesn't do anything with the kids, I do all the school drop off's, pick up's, run around to after school clubs etc. he doesn't even know where their clothes are etc. I literally do everything! He has no clue! He's also extremely inpatient with them!

Even so OP he has equal rights to your children and property as you do.

If he sought 50/50 custody and got it (Courts very keen on it) he'd just have to learn How To Parent.

At their ages it wouldn't be so difficult. None are babies after all.

By all means end your marriage but I'm afraid you have unrealistic expectations.

If you die he will have the dc. Time he learns.
He should have the dc 50 50 if you divorce

you get your own bank account with any child benefit paid into it. When you tell him that it’s finished, you put your wage in there too, and DD over your share of bills.
You save up any points from Tesco/Boots etc.
He has a right to live in the house too, do you have room to have separate bedrooms?
Get the divorce rolling so that a decision has to be made about the house.

I'm not expecting to have the kids full time once we split, I would expect 50/50 because he does need to learn to parent and it wouldn't be fair on the kids for them not to have a relationship with their father. I'm talking about the initial leaving, I don't want to leave and leave the kids with him then, but also feel really guilty for uprooting them

Can you move into another room? Even if that means you have to share with one of the kids for now.

Practically, before you get to telling him, pay down any joint credit cards and loans, they're split as a marital asset, so any debt sorted helps already.

Assume a 50/50 of house split, can you buy him out? Can he buy you out? If the answer is no, assume house sale and work out what you will each get. What's the status of the mortgage? Tied into a product or due out soon?

As someone said, be utterly fair. Consider asking for more of the house value in exchange for not taking pensions.

Me and my ex had a very amicable split, didn't touch a solicitor; but we earned similar, had similar pensions etc and I left an extra £20k equity in the house (he bought me out) to reflect his parents giving us a chunk of money, that I felt was his and not mine. I started again and was happy with my decision.