First time poster and not really sure what I want - perhaps to be told to get over myself a bit. Bit long, sorry.
Background: single parent for many years after a messy divorce when my ex had an affair. Since then bringing up DC largely alone with no family support. Ex sees DC every few weeks (his choice). DC is SEN and has extra health issues. As much as I love my DC, I have had very little time to myself and no prospect of dating for a very long time. Also massively demanding and stressful job destroyed my mental health and left me with depression and anxiety which I am working hard to get over., including changing job. I’m very lucky in many ways - good health and financially secure - but life can be pretty lonely.
Situation: Ex from decades ago got in contact with some news about a mutual friend. We got talking and turns out he was in similar position to me. We got on really well, made each other laugh and agreed to meet (his suggestion) on one of the rare weekends when DC were away - initially just for the day. However, we had an amazing time, relaxed, laughed a lot, lots of chemistry and flirting and ended up in bed together. We spoke afterwards and agreed that we had both really enjoyed it and wanted to see each other again though to keep it light and straightforward as we live a long way from each other and neither are really in a position for a relationship at the moment.
We met again a couple of months later and again had a wonderful weekend. He had said from the start that there would be lots of weekends through spring / summer when he was working and meeting up would be challenging. We pencilled in potential weekends though on understanding that they may or may not happen. We text regularly during the week though not every day, sometimes a day or two goes by with messaging and have a long chat (hours) every couple of weeks.
Sadly the first pencilled in weekend didn’t happen. While disappointing, I did know ahead of time that this was a distinct possibility and can accept that life happens and we’ll see each other as a when we can. He’s making all the right noises about still wanting to see me.
In the meantime, he has a niche interest (not sexual!) and has a number of female friends through that interest. A couple of months ago a new woman had come to the group who he has begun spending time with among others. He has been very open about her that they get on well and she is very flattering of him. He was confused as she had come to this group from some distance away and found it odd.. She had led the group to believe that she was single but they later found out she was married with a number of children. She has now told him lots about her marriage including that it was abusive and she was in a relationship with someone else until recently.
He seems to really like her, she has now left her husband, is spending a lot of time with my ex and was very kind when he was ill.
He is still saying he wants to meet up with me but can’t say when.
I can accept he has female friendships and owes me nothing. I’m self aware enough to know that part of the attraction of those weekends wasn’t him as such but that I felt relaxed, happy and comfortable in myself for the first time in years.
However, I think he is being taken for a mug by a woman who has already lied to him and had an affair. But if I say that, it smacks of jealousy doesn’t it?!
This situation is now eating me up. I’m a massive overthinker anyway and I just feel I made myself vulnerable for the first time after being a closed book for years and it’s immediately slapped me on the arse.
Do I keep it light and straightforward and be a friend when the situation with the other woman (most likely) goes wrong or tell him now where he can * to? I’m not even sure that there is something going on with her - he says she’s a friend who he gets on well with - but who knows? I may be reading too much into it all. So what do I do as it’s taking up way more headspace than is really healthy!
No AIBU - I know I am but don’t know how to resolve it and move on.