What would you do ? Who is wrong here

[butterflywingss]

For context: Both me & DH work in big corporate companies and do work that involves the most senior stakeholders outside of our company.

I have certain meetings that I have to organise and work to put together with these outside corporate clients by certain dates in the year. DH found a spontaneous deal for us to travel to the Caribbean in 2 DAYS time for 10 days (considering it's BH on Monday). I explained I would love to but I have work commitments in that time and it's my not good a good time.

DH started arguing that I am leaving (moving roles internally) and why am I giving them so much loyalty when they don't care about me. However, my argument regardless if I am leaving, I am still in the team for a good 3 months and have commitments with external stakeholders that is extremely unprofessional to cancel. To further add, I can't come back from a long bank holiday weekend and request 7 days leave starting the next day when there is certain work to be done that can't be moved around.

However, my DH puts his life and soul in his work and has put his work many times above time with us his family. He hates to hear it. It's not the first time he keeps telling me to not care so much about my work, and argues why I am putting so much effort when I am leaving (either moving roles or going maternity).

This all resulted in such a heated argument. I told him he is being extremely irrational and only putting his needs first. I am all for going on holiday, but these things need to be planned well in advance. He lets his hand so loose and just splashes money at any point he can. He has no sense of saving or thinking rationally for the future ahead. Extremely hard headed!

To add, I am also pregnant and he keeps causing me so much stress! He says I am the one in the wrong here. Please tell me an I losing my mind or is he 100% wrong!

So his job is SO much more important than yours..
His career is SO much more important than yours..

Is he SO disrespectful in other aspects of your relationship?

I agree with you. He can't expect you to drop everything and go to the Caribbean with 2 days notice!

I can't imagine many jobs where you could book a weeks leave at that sort of notice, so I'd say YANBU.

Given what you describe , your leave wouldn't be approved so what does he want you to do about it?

Where I work we have to give at least as much notice as days leave we are requesting so it wouldn't work anyway. Precisely to stop people from leaving colleagues and customers in the lurch at short notice.

He's BU, but I think you know that.

If it is professionally impossible to move your meetings then he is unreasonable

but it sounds like he knows it is possible?

As is the way with these things it’s rarely the thing that you are arguing about that sparks the war it’s the underlying resentments simmering away!

I work in a senior role, it would look really bad if I gave them a days notice. YANBU.

He knows there are certain meetings in a year(like this) that I can't move around once it's been accepted by everyone (internally and externally) . I also can't put it on anyone else because it is strictly my job and my responsibility.

I can see both points of view here. I can completely understand why you don’t want to take the time off, and that’s fine. But I do think it is a case of ‘don’t want’ rather than ‘can’t’.

There’s something badly wrong at your company if your specific presence at a very important meeting is the single point of failure. It should always be possible to hand something like this over to a colleague.

Could it be the start of 'your job isn't important now you're a mother' again?

This is always the case for junior staff, but it doesn't work for senior management. External clients expect to meet specific people and have the consistency of those who know what's going on.

YANBU OP. Moving things around might work some weeks, or might be ok a few weeks in advance, but 1 day would rarely work. Even if you change roles, the same faces tend to crop up again in other capacities, so I would be wary of doing anything so clearly unprofessional. Why can't it be booked to happen in 3 weeks, or whenever works for your work diary? Clearly DH's can be adjusted whenever, or that's what he's saying.

Has his behaviour changed since you got pregnant?

I'm with you OP. DH and I are both in similar types of roles to you and while we would love to fly off to the Caribbean on Tuesday for 10 days, it's just not practical. Of course I could if I was happy to drop everything, piss my external stakeholders off, miss my deadlines and leave my team without any support or guidance. But I'm not willing to do that and I'd question any employee who was. All those things are manageable if planned in advance and sure, if I was in an accident or something, the team would cope but there's no way I'd choose to do it!

Of course you can’t just fuck off on holiday on 2 days notice when you have a senior role and none-movable, let meetings. He’s a total cock.

I have certain meetings booked well in advance with external clients, that could not be moved unless it was an emergency. We all agree the dates in advance and commit to them, but they involve flights and accommodation for some attendees so really aren't possible to reschedule late in the day. To cancel one of these for a holiday would be extremely unprofessional. In my industry, people talk, so even if I was leaving my company, I wouldn't want to tarnish my reputation in that way.

So yanbu, your husband clearly has different values though, and your work isn't high on his list. That seems like a bigger problem than just this holiday.

Well this doesn't bode well does it? He doesn't respect your job or career. What's going to happen when you go back after having the baby? I imagine you will be responsible for everything child related.

I actually think the fact that you do a big corporate job is completely irrelevant too. You don't demand someone takes time off at such short notice, whatever their job is. Sounds like he doesn't view you as an equal if he thinks he can demand you jump and the only response he will allow is to ask how high.

Appreciate everyone's responses. All pretty much align with my thoughts. He is yet to apologise and going on about his day like he has caused me grief for the last 2 days. It's exhausting living with someone who never sees fault.