She never wants to spend time with me

[SpeedbirdSquawker]

My mum works part time. She has weekends free. If I ever ask if she wants to do anything she always says she's busy (usually with the house or garden). She could easily leave these things to spend a few hours with me. It's every single time. If I go round to her house she usually wont stop what shes doing to have a conversation. She often even says me calling has messed her day up. When I have brought it up in the past with her, she gets very angry and defensive. She's generally selfish and everything has to be on her terms anyway but aibu to think my mum might want to spend a bit of time with me? I'm feeling incredibly lonely and depressed at the moment.

Are you trying to plan things on the day or in advance?

Do you have somewhere else to 'dock' as she is not your safe haven.

She has repeatedly shown you over and over she can't or won't provide what you need. Time to find somewhere else that can.

Sorry your mum is shit.

It doesn't matter if I organise things in advance or on the day, she always says no.

@tiredinoratia I have no one else really. I don't think anyone likes me.

Could you go and do stuff in the garden with her? What are you wanting to when you visit, do you suggest lunch/coffee/walk etc?

You seem to have decided she's 'free' when she sees herself as busy with the house or garden - maybe she actually enjoys that as her 'down' time. Could you offer to help in the garden? Spend time with her that way? She's allowed to have hobbies and likes. Do you have other support - friends, siblings etc? What age are you? Maybe she didn't expect you to spend so much time together now you're an adult?

Is that a valid thought proven by evidence or one that exists because your primary attachment figure (your mum) has made you feel unlikable because of her short comings?

I can’t really make many suggestions other than to try to find other avenues for support like friends, other family, hobbies and maybe even a therapist.

What is the history here- is there a backstory? What about your Dad? When you say she gets defensive what does she say? Some people can genuinely be so wrapped up in their own bubble they can’t think of anything else but it doesn’t necessarily mean much more than that. It’s incredibly hurtful when you don’t feel like a parent’s priority but it sounds like she might not change so you may have to focus more on what you can do about your own emotions and not expect things to change. Maybe she’s depressed- being emotionally unavailable can be a symptom of that unless there’s a more clear explanation (like a falling out).

Other practical suggestions might be to simply not contact her at all for a few weeks and see what happens- if she realises and says something then you can tell her that she seemed too busy and you didn’t want to disrupt her plans. Then maybe you can move to doing things like gardening or housework alongside her- rather than expecting her to stop- that might be something that works for you both? And keep the conversation relatively light hearted to start off with- if she is struggling herself it may not be realistic for her to help you at the moment.

Maybe she a bit overwhelmed with your depression OP 💐

I have to limit time with a family member who has had depression for years, I love her dearly but when I leave my energy is so low and I can feel ill.

Have you got a councillor you can talk to then when you see your mum you can try and talk about lighter things? Maybe help her in the garden?

It may be that she feels a bit overwhelmed with your depression, could you not join some local groups?

Maybe try to socialise on your own, join some clubs or volunteer? Your Mum just probably really likes to be alone. My mother is like this as she is getting older, that’s fine - her choice. I know I’m not the issue and I’m sure you aren’t either.

Unfortunately I think she is showing you that she can't or won't be there for you more than this. You need to find a different support network, and ways to fill your time that don't involve her. I am sorry that you're depressed and hope you can find some happiness and fulfilment in your life and recover from your depression

She has shown you repeatedly who she is and what her priorities are. If you refuse to accept it you will continue to suffer and feel disappointed.
I know it’s painful, I really do, but you need to find a proper support network.
Putting yourself in the position to get hurt again and again will make you feel worse.
There are people out there who will love and support you. You just need to go and find them.

Have you ever supported someone with depression? It can be very very hard if you don’t know how to put boundaries down to protect yourself. I had to step back from my family member as it was making me unwell.

OP mum might be all out of energy for her right now.

Op absolutely sounds like she needs love and support as she is not well but she might have to look for it else where for the moment. By telling OP that she is not a priority will make her feel like her own mother doesn’t care - she mostly does but is empty herself.

There's no certainty her mother does care, that is the problem.

Have you posted before?

And there isn’t any certainty that she doesn’t. Yet there are random strangers on the internet telling a very depressed woman her mother doesn’t give a shit about her.

How the fuck is that going to help her mental health?

A different perspective: As we age, we cope less with stress. Post menopause you really have to protect your MH. She might not be able to cope with what you want to talk about. Constant busyness can be a way of fighting off intrusive thoughts. My middle DD (28) has a level of anxiety. I listen and offer advice, but I can't get too involved because I can't fix her issues caused by anxiety and before I know it I'm wanting to comfort eat and can't sleep. We don't have to sacrifice ourselves on the alter of motherhood. There's no limit on the practical help I'll give (child/pet care, cleaning/shopping etc), I've helped financially, but emotionally I have to put boundaries in place. You need to build a life as a independent adult.

Ask yourself honestly why. Is it your depression giving you low self esteem, or are you wanting constant therapy rather than friendship.

Then stop defaulting to your mother, OP. For whatever reason, she can’t give you what you need. Therapy would help you figure out what’s going on, and put you in a better place to start making friends.

I wouldn’t contact her again and wait till she contacts you instead. It may be that you’ve become too dependant on your relationship with your mother and she’s finding it overwhelming, let her come to you. Are you receiving any help for your depression, like counselling? You need to change your focus from your mum and work on your depression, get out of the house, meet new people, pursue new interests.

I agree with the above posts.

She's either not very nice for whatever reason and can't show you love.
Or
She's overwhelmed and can't cope with things. Which may or may not be you and your issues, it could be she's at a 'last straw' stage.

Do you have a local support group? Are there grouos in your area you could join?

If you do want a relationship with your mum it could be that you have to be on an even keel first and do something she wants help with eg gardening together.

But that may mean you on one side of the garden and her on the other. So there's no drama and she thinks "it's good, dd didn't hassle me. That was really helpful,I'd do that again with dd" etc etc.

Or it could be that you have to accept she's too damaged or too much of a narcissist to have a relationship with.

Your health comes first though so seek help with that. We all deserve to be happy. Work towards that.

My 28 year old daughter depends on me greatly as her crutch. She has so many health conditions going off all at once, anxiety,PTSD,brain tumour, a neurological condition called Functional Neurological Disorder, her psychiatrist has also picked up ADHD traits and is awaiting an appointment for this.

To say I’m saturated at times is an understatement. Sometimes I absolutely dread her car pulling up. I’m menopausal and also have M.S so my energy levels aren’t always brilliant. I can get so drained by her visits, but she’s my daughter and I try and be there for her.

Your mum like myself may be finding it overwhelming and doesn’t really know how to cope or what to say, it sounds like she’s putting a barrier up to protect herself, I’ve been there.

If I don’t get a text or visit for a day I feel so much better, then when she does call round I’m really pleased to see her. I resist messaging her to see if she’s ok on these days, complete silence gives me the respite I need.

Go gently with your mum, it’s a really difficult time for you both 🌺

I agree with this. Depressed people are extremely draining to be around. Sometimes you just can't do it. Perhaps that's where her mother is at the moment, and she's entitled to have that boundary. If the OP is going round there constantly expecting "support", then I'm not surprised her mother often says no. Does the OP ever go around and do something for her mother, rather than expecting her to "be there for her" because she's depressed, or provide free therapy, or because she "has nobody else"?

I say this as someone who's suffered from depression herself. I don't want to be around myself when I'm bad.

This. This is what depressed and lonely people generally do. They see friendships as places to offload and make themselves feel better and they do it again and again and again. The result of that is the friend leaves feeling absolutely drained every time they see each other, and eventually they back off altogether.
It is unfortunately a self-fulfilling prophecy.