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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-Laws Driving Me Nuts

17 replies

BerryBright · 05/05/2024 02:22

I feel like I am losing my mind. I honestly cannot bear to be around my husbands’ family. His mother is selfish, self-obsessed and silly. His sister is arrogant, acts like a child & so full of herself. I hate myself for feeling this way about them.

My anxiety leading up to spending time with them is at fever pitch. I get so anxious. I spend hours ruminating about my relationship with them. I hate the thought of my 6 month old child spending time with them. I cannot bear the thought of spending Xmas with them. I ruminate and play out scenarios wherein they do crazy shit all the time.

His mum and sister just want 24/7 attention; to be showered with praise and be told that they are the chosen one. But I can’t give them it. It’s not that I don’t want to (I’d have a much easier life) but it’s like I physically can’t do it. I just cannot pretend to be interested in his mum and sister, and their silly delusion world. I find their selfishness nauseating & everything they say gets on my last nerve. They also do weird things (like not booking me a dog friendly room on a family trip despite me having a dog, so the dog could stay with them). I end up being passive aggressive with them or just plain aggressive, & have caused multiple arguments. It makes me feel terrible; I know that I am short & snide with them. I am not like this with anyone else. I can’t laugh them off.

And so Im starting to hate who I am. I am not a bad person - I want to be liked but I can’t do it in this situation. No matter what peptalk I give myself before meeting them, I end up being short with them. It drives a wedge between me & my partner. He is aware of their faults but my constant negativity and rude behaviour towards them is objectively out of order. We have had multiple rows where I promise to try more in future. But it’s like a reflex. I can’t stop myself being this way. Am I unreasonable? and can anyone help me stop being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
PussInBin20 · 05/05/2024 02:26

Haha, I’d just keep away from them as much as possible!

Runnerinthenight · 05/05/2024 02:27

I never really liked my in-laws either. Liked them even less when I got to know them more. But, they are your partner's family and they are always going to stick up for them.

The best you can do is to limit your contact with them as much as possible. That's what I did. They weren't interested enough in our children to give a shit.

Guavafish1 · 05/05/2024 02:41

Reduce contact... Just see them in special occasions.

I'd try my best to be civil for my husband sake.

Arguing over this will damage your relationship

Tourmalines · 05/05/2024 02:45

Well seems like you all don’t like each other . Stay away .

bloodyplumbing · 05/05/2024 06:32

It seems a mutual dislike , do you have to holiday with them?

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 05/05/2024 06:44

I think if you spent less time with them it would be easier. Why do you all have to go on holidays together as for me a holiday is getting away from everyone. Why do you have to spend Christmas with them. Can you not have your own little family Christmas. Start as you mean to go on. You will have to learn relaxation techniques to help you to chill out as you have to respect that they are your partner's family but cut the time down that you spend with them. Do you see your own family at all and how is that.

RampantIvy · 05/05/2024 06:48

Why do you go on holiday with them?

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 05/05/2024 06:51

I would avoid regular visits let you dh do it and take dc. Maybe just make an effort on special occasions but even then limit it. So one day at Xmas, a few hours on their birthday etc. explain to your dh you don't like them and it's easier not to be around them.

ZekeZeke · 05/05/2024 06:55

Your partner can nourish his relationship with his family, there is no need for you to be involved. Don't stop him visiting them.

ICanFixHim · 05/05/2024 07:06

I've felt like this around a family member and all I could do was have as little contact as possible because I didn't like who I was around them.

Original poster
BerryBright · 05/05/2024 07:44

Thanks for replies everyone. I honestly hate how loopy this makes me feel, I don’t have this with anyone else - I promise.

The holiday was a weekend away for his brother’s 40th birthday - we don’t holiday together as standard! It was a one-off special occasion. We alternate xmases between mine & his family, but maybe starting our own traditions is needed. My family live in London but we’re a few hrs away closer to his.

I’d never stop my husband from seeing his family, & being from a big extended family myself where Xmas was spent with my parents’ families on both sides, I always thought that’s what I’d have. But instead I find myself in this irrational anxious-grumpy spiral with his.

It’s like I can’t stop it - maybe accepting the situation, limiting contact, and relaxation techniques might work. Thanks for suggestions - if anyone has anymore keep them coming!

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 05/05/2024 08:22

They're your DH's family so it's natural he doesn't see them the way you do but you can keep your contact to a minimum. Let your DH go visit on his own, it will do less damage then you turning up and sniping at them.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 05/05/2024 18:08

Before you have to see them do 10 mins of mindfullness, my son does it and he is so chilled after it and it will help you get through the day. Also try to learn to not let them be in your head so much. If they are going off or annoying you just think silly scenarios in your head like a comic sketch instead of letting them get to you as not worth it.

Memyaelf · 12/08/2024 13:51

BerryBright · 05/05/2024 02:22

I feel like I am losing my mind. I honestly cannot bear to be around my husbands’ family. His mother is selfish, self-obsessed and silly. His sister is arrogant, acts like a child & so full of herself. I hate myself for feeling this way about them.

My anxiety leading up to spending time with them is at fever pitch. I get so anxious. I spend hours ruminating about my relationship with them. I hate the thought of my 6 month old child spending time with them. I cannot bear the thought of spending Xmas with them. I ruminate and play out scenarios wherein they do crazy shit all the time.

His mum and sister just want 24/7 attention; to be showered with praise and be told that they are the chosen one. But I can’t give them it. It’s not that I don’t want to (I’d have a much easier life) but it’s like I physically can’t do it. I just cannot pretend to be interested in his mum and sister, and their silly delusion world. I find their selfishness nauseating & everything they say gets on my last nerve. They also do weird things (like not booking me a dog friendly room on a family trip despite me having a dog, so the dog could stay with them). I end up being passive aggressive with them or just plain aggressive, & have caused multiple arguments. It makes me feel terrible; I know that I am short & snide with them. I am not like this with anyone else. I can’t laugh them off.

And so Im starting to hate who I am. I am not a bad person - I want to be liked but I can’t do it in this situation. No matter what peptalk I give myself before meeting them, I end up being short with them. It drives a wedge between me & my partner. He is aware of their faults but my constant negativity and rude behaviour towards them is objectively out of order. We have had multiple rows where I promise to try more in future. But it’s like a reflex. I can’t stop myself being this way. Am I unreasonable? and can anyone help me stop being so unreasonable?

You are not being unreasonable- you are being unreasonably reactive and your anxiety is taking over. Which means you then have difficulty communicating with them and see them as a threat or an irritating inconvienience. It seems you hate them all. Ask yourself this…is it because you can’t have your husband all to yourself in your family bubble, with you baby, and can’t bare when his side of the family are together because it takes the shine off it. Don’t become the enemy, your partner won’t appreciate it, that’s his mum.. the women he loves almost as much as you and as much as you love your baby. You might benefit from some counselling either on your own, or with your partner, just so you can talk about it and how it makes you feel. I guarantee his family are also feeling the pressure. Don’t just look for the bad.. like the dog thing.. what have they done that’s been positive.. you need to balance out your response. Only then can you set family boundaries X

Hoppinggreen · 12/08/2024 14:01

I manage DH's annoying family by viewing them as something foreign
We have different ways and they even (sort of) speak a different language but while I may not understand or even like their customs I can't change them and I can tolerate a certain amount in the sort term.

muggart · 12/08/2024 17:42

You shouldn't have to like someone to be nice to them. That's a school ground bully attitude.

Chicaontour · 12/08/2024 17:55

I sympatise with you on one level however you being agressive or passive aggressive with them is unacceptable. Can you imagine your baby growing up marrying someone who treated you as you are treating them. Its not a nice thought is it?

You have a right not to meet them however dont try and alienate your husband or child from them. Nothing you have written justifies that.

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