Ex fed baby without discussing with me

[Mumma2324]

Background - ex left weeks before DC was born, now 7 months old. VERY messy separation, very toxic relationship now. Minimal communication between us. Has seen DC for a total of 3.5 hours in last 6 weeks (his choice - doesn’t turn up to contact)

Today came and took DC out, asked to bring DC back after an hour as has only spent 30 mins alone together. I’m happy to build up contact but would like it to be gradual.

Returned after 1.5 hours, DC covered in food, when asked he said he’d fed DC despite me saying DC would be due a feed on return, and currently weaning. Ex has no experience with babies/weaning. Also wouldn’t tell me what he had fed DC.

I wouldn’t mind so much if this had been discussed with me beforehand, DC also BF so like to BF prior to giving solids. At this stage I would also like to know what DC is eating.

AIBU for being annoyed?! I don’t know how to manage the situation when he takes DC again.

I'd ensure that his contact with DC is supervised.

I can understand why you'd feel annoyed but he is her parent, I think it's fine for him to feed her, and it's really unlikely to disrupt breastfeeding if he doesn't see her much.

What do you guess the baby was fed?

This is a ridiculous situation where it seems the baby is not being put first.

One hour is a ridiculously short time for contact and he's being a total dick for not telling you what he's fed the baby.

I think you two are going to need some sort of mediation for everyone's sake, instead of butting heads like this.

I’m not sure how I could do this really? Especially when it’s been unsupervised and then changing it. I don’t necessarily think DC is unsafe, more he’s just very inexperienced but I imagine his mother was present today and possibly the one who fed DC.

Of course he's being unreasonable. I think you'd be perfectly reasonable to request visits in a contact centre under supervision at this age. Not because he'll poison her but he sounds clueless generally. You're not unreasonable to be fuming but in the great scheme of things a big emotional reaction to this playing out between you is probably not in your child's interests. Just a calm decision to move visits to supervised by a third party.

I have a feeling that his mother fed the baby.

Sorry OP but I think this sounds like a bit of a non issue and perhaps the real problem is his general lack of involvement with your DC?

Most people don’t have experience with weaning until they do it with their own, I think it’s a bit much to expect him to ask permission to feed his own child. Although it is very petty of him not to tell you what DC ate.

Sounds like you two need to sit down and have a chat about how to co-parent effectively, rather than him dipping in and out when he feels like it.

The baby is obviously ok so whatever he or his mum fed her is was fine and nothing to be worried about.

Kindly, you do need to let him parent your shared child when you aren’t around. He won’t become a better or more involved dad if he feels undermined or controlled.

I guess you only learn to be a parent by being a parent.... Difficult for you to let go of control when you are the primary carer but you will have to learn as the child has a right to spend time with their father. Not good though that he hasn't been consistent in his contact so hopefully he steps up.

He sounds awful. I don’t know how to reason with him without Family Court Intervention. Which comes with it’s own set of problems.

I agree. In the past I’ve offered longer and said we’d build up the time. He has repeatedly failed to do so, taking her out and bringing her back after 15-30 mins as needs to rush off.
She’s now hesitant with him (hit the separation anxiety stage) so given this I’ve suggested an hour and build up and is consistent.

I’ve suggested mediation and he refuses.

@Orangemangogrape

Almost every parent that ever was was clueless when they first had their baby. Give the poor man a chance, he only fed his child- I hardly think that warrants a contact center. ..goodness me.

Thinking about it, PPs are probably right in that his mum may have fed the baby.

So he probably doesn't even know what she ate.

Yanbu for being annoyed, I would be too.

My dd had a horrendous egg allergy when she was a baby. Obviously your baby is fine this time, but at this age I keep a note of what they've had in case they come out with a rash later.

Instead of kicking up a fuss though, I'd just accept that your ex is useless and set up a WhatsApp group with his mum in it.

I know, I know, women doing all the work, etc...but in this case a baby's wellbeing comes first. And your ex being useless is a ship that's sailed

Would he agree to just sit with the baby in your home while you went upstairs or something? Maybe you would hate that but it would mean being beside your baby. It's weird he brings her back so soon especially if his mom is there. You would think she would want to spend time with her gc. Is there any way you could talk to her? Is your exdp very young?

He's her parent. As dead beat as he may be, he can feed his child.

This. A lot of mums on here are complaining because their dc AREN'T fed by their dad. You can't force feed a baby so they ll be fine.

Yea , this , and he doesn’t need to be supervised either , what nonsense.

If he took her out for an 60 to 90 minutes, doesn't see the baby often and the baby's paternal grandmother was present, then it's highly likely the baby's paternal grandmother fed the baby from a baby food jar/pouch.

And as PPs have pointed out he won't know what's in the baby food jar/pouch because the baby's paternal grandmother fed her.

So your choice is to either engage with the baby's paternal grandmother - if she is willing to engage with you as she doesn't have to - or leave it.

I should add be glad that there was an adult present who thinks about your child's basic needs.

This.

I think your concerns are legitimate. The fact that he won’t tell you what he’s fed her is worrying - you’d want to know if she’s had any allergens just to be on the safe side.
the fact is part of being a good parent is communication and compromise with the other parent - he’s demonstrated he needs to seriously work on this.
not sure what your next steps are but wishing you so much luck x

Totally agree with LiveonTV - he is the child's parent. Whether you like it or not, when DC is with him, he will feed, bathe, take to park etc and you do not have a say in that. I get that it's very hard to let go a bit, I've been a single parent for a very long time, but you cannot police what he does with your shared child unless it's unsafe and if the child has such issues with food that you fear for their safety you should have told him so.