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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unobtainable lifestyle

30 replies

FunnyPlumDog · 04/05/2024 23:20

Hello, we have two children, the oldest is 18 and hopefully off to uni in September. We will obviously fund uni for them but I am starting to worry we have provided a lifestyle for them that they won’t be able to maintain once they start working themselves.
Should we start to slowly subtly dial back the spending to make things easier on them in the future?

OP posts:
sleepyscientist · 05/05/2024 09:10

NOTANUM · 05/05/2024 08:29

Parents we know with older kids working in their 20s still pay for their holidays with the family, phones, Netflix, gym etc. so that in many ways they have the same lifestyle as they had growing up. I’d like to think I wouldn’t but couldn’t rule it out!

This if you can it's okay to still help. We won't be funding DS's uni fees but will pay living expenses. DS is 10 we already have a decent house deposit saved for him and will continue to pay for things like family holidays and luxury's until he's married (possibly longer).

We have plans to help him with things like childcare etc I don't see the point in working as hard as we do just for us, we want to be able to pass that onto him whilst we are here to enjoy it with him.

My parents did similar doing 100% of our childcare, helping with holidays i.e. we paid for the equivalent of 2 star and they paid the rest to go 5 star as a family. They helped us with our 1st renovation and still to this day as totally finically independent adults they are always there for us in a crisis.

ohtowinthelottery · 05/05/2024 09:28

My DS returned home after Uni and is still here 2 1/2 years later. He has 'extravagant ' culinary ideas and I frequently remind him that he won't be cooking like that when he's got a mortgage and is paying all his bills himself. His response ' I've lived on a budget before (at Uni) and I can do it again.

Barleypilaf · 05/05/2024 10:24

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 04/05/2024 23:59

@FunnyPlumDog , my husband and I have been pretty successful; our boys were privately educated. We came from absolutely nothing though and worked our socks off and took many risks. We were lucky too.
We provided a wonderful life for our boy’s growing up, a great education, a lovely home and fantastic holidays. Our elder son is a GP. He doesn’t live in the London commuter belt like us and has a reasonable life but not luxurious. Our younger son lives close to us, house prices here are horrific but his job keeps him here however he isn’t paid nearly as well as his brother and life is financially quite challenging for him.
It’s not easy to see our youngest especially struggling and we’d never let him go under financially but we do believe our boys should stand on their own two feet. I understand your concerns but hopefully we’ve taught our children the value of hard work and responsibility for self in which case they’ll be ok. Life is so much harder for young people now than it was for my husband and I and that is so sad. I do understand your worries but all I can say is that my husband and I are now retired and continue to enjoy an extremely healthy income which will mean that we can cover the cost of any care we require in old age, hopefully this will be a great benefit to our boys. When we are gone they will inherit well and this should provide them with a comfortable retirement. Until then we’ll be there for emergencies but they have to take responsibility for themselves.

There is a middle ground. The reason the younger son is struggling is because of high house prices. The reason the poster is rich is because of the same. the 'wealth' of the old is paid for by their children - and grandchildren - struggling to pay inflated house prices while they have a generous retirement and lots of holidays, and mutter about Netflix and avocadoes.

Why not help your kids now when the money could do so much good, rather than have them struggle and become suddenly rich at 70? Bizarre.

KimberleyClark · 05/05/2024 10:31

Young people have never been able to afford their parents’ lifestyle as soon as they leave home, unless they are Made in Chelsea types. They have to work their way up. In the 60s it was common for young married couples to live with one set of parents or the other.

Riverlee · 05/05/2024 10:33

That’s part of life and growing up. They have to make their own way in the world, and you never know what’s around the next corner. You have to face the bad with the good.

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