To wonder what people really mean by "toxic" ?

[mossylog]

People often say someone was a toxic friend or their ex or MIL is toxic. Am I being unreasonable, or is this just another (equally vague) way of saying "bad"? Or am I being dense and there's some specific meaning to it that I'm not seeing?

Like, sometimes people say it and it means something very serious, often that the "toxic" person was verbally abusive. But other times, it just seems like interpersonal disagreements, that the other person isn't irrevocably evil or tainted, you just don't like them. Am I way off-base here?

I think that "toxic" is like "gaslighting" – it really is something that has a significant impact on the other person, but the words are massively overused for the slightest of things.

In the case of "toxic", because so many people seem to lack robustness, I think they just use the word to describe behaviours they simply don't like or agree with, as opposed to, say, a narcissistic parent who's ruining their life.

I've always wondered about this too. On this and other sites, when someone is complaining about a person they have a difficult relationship with, someone else will inevitably ask, "Is she toxic?" If it was me being asked, I would have no idea how to answer because I'm not at all sure what the exact definition of toxic is (in that sense - I do know what it literally means, as in a toxic substance!)

People seem almost to use it as if it were a diagnostic term.
I don't like the word at all. It seems like it has the agenda of foreclosing any discussion about a challenging relationship by just positing that there is some inherent bad characteristic in one person, in virtue of which they harm others around them.
Sometimes that may be true, but other times it is easy to imagine all parties in a conflict flinging the term around in order to satisfy themselves that they are passive and blameless in relation to whatever problematic situation has developed.
It is just such a horrible, dehumanising term. A person is not a poison.

I would only refer to someone as toxic if there was a longstanding pattern of abusive behaviour. There's often fall out which impacts many people around a toxic person in a negative way. I really don't see anyone overuse it in any group I know. T

There are two people I'd call toxic whom I've known. They are both definitely sociopathic , narcissist personality types.

Nasty sums it up I think. There's more nuance but that's it really.

The word toxic always makes me think of my sister who is one of life's bullies and can make you feel two feet tall just for breathing thus destroying any occasion she is present in. Unless she's putting on a fake front which is just as toxic. Basically people who pollute the situation around them.

I think toxic means 'harmful'.

This. They make everything worse and make you feel like crap, just by them being there.
When toxic people leave a situation, the sun comes out.

I’d describe my step dad as toxic, verbally, physically and sexually abusive and generally a nasty horrible bastard. I think the term is overused here.

Toxic describes abusive people. People who behave in deceptive, manipulative, coercive, violent, unkind ways. Interactions with them leave you feeling hurt, guilty, vulnerable, upset, angry, and taken advantage of. Our nervous systems know, we can have a physical reaction to toxic people.

I think of a toxic person as harmful or insidious, someone who makes you feel bad, and they’re like that with everyone - just sort of infecting the mood/dynamic.

When I had counselling from Women’s Aid I would refer to my ex relationship as “toxic” the Women’s Aid Counsellor helped me understand that the relationship wasn’t “toxic” the ex was “abusive” that really helped me move on, as I knew in myself, and everything I wanted for my family would never include “toxic” behaviour (if I had a choice) but I seemed trapped in a situation that I viewed as “toxic”. I have asked that question many times too, what makes a situation, a person, a relationship “toxic” From some fantastic counselling I now think, with regards to a relationship, it’s when, in society’s eyes two people are just not good people and equally don’t get on- this is never the full picture. When abuse is finally brought to light, it’s no longer a “toxic” situation and one person in that relationship truly needs help to understand why/and the danger they are in. For other family situations, I still think it’s most likely some sort of abusive situation. Narcissistic parenting or something else but the empath will label it “toxic” as they don’t really understand what abuse is. There will of course be some relationships where it is viewed that both parties are equally toxic, but in my experience there’s usually always one party who really would do anything for the relationship not to be “toxic” and the other who lies and gaslights and takes advantage. So, I suppose, from my understanding, “toxic” really means an abuser somewhere in the midst.

Another overused term. To some people anyone who disagrees with them is ‘toxic’, a relationship that has run its course is ‘toxic’ etc. Similar to everyone’s ex being a narcissist’ Narcissistic personality disorder is so much more common on social media than it is in real life! 🙄 What happened to peoples exes and mother in laws just being twats or arseholes? Why are they all being labelled now? Journalists don’t help the situation either with all the ‘10 signs you’re with a toxic partner’ etc articles.
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I regard my workplace as being toxic, and by that I mean that people have negative agendas, they bend the rules to get what they want, they treat people like shit, unless your face fits, in which case they will bend over backwards to ensure you're promoted even if you're crap. There are unfair workplace practices going on but they are covered up. Dirty deals are done. Incompetence is covered up. Micromanaging is common, mostly practised by incompetent managers. If people speak up about their poor treatment, there is a target on their back. People have been promoted way above their competence level and so don't have the first clue how to manage staff, and there's no training. Nepotism is huge!

Depends on the environment. At work the word toxic can be someone being negative and bringing the team down.

IRL it's usually more than that.

Well, yes, it does, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the person in question has one well-defined characteristic that makes them harmful to everyone. They might harm someone who is insecure or vulnerable, but not someone who is confident and assertive. Or they might harm someone because they are selfish, because they are unreliable or because they are racist. There's no one-size-fits-all definition of either word.

Lot of good replies here. I've been thinking on it a bit more since. From what people have said:

• Some people are called 'toxic' when they just create bad situations wherever they go.
• Some relationships are 'toxic' when both people are bad for each other.
• Some workplaces are felt as 'toxic' when there's a bad culture which encourages selfishness, corner-cutting, bitchiness etc.

I think I liked @Theemeperorsnewclothes explanation the most... that feeling something as 'toxic' should just be the start, a bad vibe that we recognise before putting more precise language to it (like abuse, danger, selfishness, cruelty etc.).

I have one of these too. She’s met my friends on precisely two occasions and made at least one of them cry both times. She’s also a fake front person, saccharine sweet when she wants to get her own way. I define toxic as being malicious - intentionally harmful - and if you are my sister you enjoy it too.

It means ‘someone who behaves in ways I don’t like’. The term ‘toxic’ is used to try to put some kind of ‘objective’ gloss on it, the way a poison is always toxic, rather than the truth, which is that it’s a pretty subjective judgement.

See also ‘narcissist’, which means ‘me attempting to pathologise someone whose behaviour to me I don’t like’.

@Arlanymor

Oh my sister definitely gets a buzz from it, you can actually see it in her face.