Please help, wise Mumsnetters. My job throws up insecurities I never even knew I had, and I don't like that about me.

[workchat]

Hi. I've been in my current job for about a year. It's not a well-paid job but it is a valuable one. I work in a sort of unit attached to a secondary school, with challenging and vulnerable young people.
The job itself is going very well. I love the kids and have worked really hard at building a great rapport with them. I go the extra mile every day, and their happiness and success mean everything to me.
I work with two other people in this unit. We're a strong team and get on well. There's the boss, the second in charge and then there's me. We are paid accordingly; second person and I have incredibly similar roles, but she has a bit more responsibility.
I've been reflecting on my job this weekend, and feel a bit sad about things. I'll try my best to express this in words, but even I find it hard to pinpoint my exact emotions. Perhaps writing them down will help.
'Second' and I get on brilliantly. She is an amazing person and fully deserves to be flourishing in the role, as she is.
Boss and I have a good working relationship too, though I do feel frustrated by him at times.
I don't know, I just feel on the sidelines a bit. I perceive boss and second as getting on much better with each other than I do with him. He seems to like her much more and want to please her. I know I sound pathetic and that this is my issue. I like to be the favourite and I'm not, and this is proving hard for me to deal with. Her opinion seems to matter more to him, and he will seek it more readily than mine. He will ask to chat with her privately, while I'm sitting there with the kids thinking 'umm, ok then.'
Whenever an email is written to the three of us at the unit - by the Head or other staff members - my name always comes last. Petty, I know
I don't know why I suddenly feel more invisible in my role, but I do. Sometimes, when I'm talking to him, he doesn't even look up from his computer.
There's also other small grievances at play, such as he'll never offer to wash up the kids' plates and cups. It's always second and I who do it. This seems sexist to me. I should add that the kids can't do it, as we don't have a sink in there and have to take the used dishes to another room where the children aren't allowed to go.
I recently brought in some things from home to brighten up our room a bit, like nice cushions, throws and fairy lights. He barely acknowledged them or said thanks.
I promise that he is a good guy, lovely in fact. But he has such a busy brain and doesn't always respond to things in an effusive way.

I know that I am being emotionally needy. That's my issue. But at the moment I do feel undervalued. I don't want to speak to him about it as he can't change his personality and nor would I want him to.

I really do like my team, but how do I stop my feelings of insecurity and jealousy from sabotaging things? I've never really felt this way at work before because I've never worked in such a tiny team.
I know that AIBU and I'm not trying to blame my lovely colleagues. But it just feels a bit sometimes like being in a group of 3 at school and you're the odd one out! I'm nearly 50 years old FFS, and I hate myself for even writing some of this stuff!
Thanks for reading.

This scenario resonates with me. But for me would say that it was triggering of past experiences. I have had counselling for this kind of thing, and it has helped. But you say that it has thrown up insecurities that you never knew you had, If that’s really the case, maybe you would be better off finding another post.

I’ve felt like this in a similar role before, however I was ‘the second’ and felt like I didn’t fit in. Not on purpose I don’t think, it was the ‘first’ and ‘third’ were friends from way back, so they had a bond.
Made me feel constantly inadequate though, even though I was more qualified and experienced than required for the role I had, really knocked my confidence.

Thank you both. I appreciate your empathic replies.
I know my colleagues would be upset if they knew I felt this way. I'm self-aware enough to recognise that this is coming from a place of insecurity inside of me. And I probably did know I had it, but until now, didn't have to deal with it so openly every day.

Are they working with each other longer as they'll naturally favour each other due to familiarity? I do know that feeling you mean though and it's made worse cos you hate yourself for feeling that way.

It sounds like you have a lovely team and you haven't been horrible about them which speaks volumes. Its easy to know you love and really care for your job, sometimes you have to give yourself a little shake to get rid of that feeling Of being second best/not good enough. You're not that long there and to slot in like it sounds like you have is great for all concerned.

Thank you. Second and I started at the same time, and the boss came later. So it's not a case of familiarity, sadly, but thank you for your kind comments!

I’m not sure this is actually because you are insecure. It sounds like the boss doesn’t acknowledge you properly and it is entirely normal and human to feel belittled by this. I’d bide your time and see if you can move to another workplace. I’ve come across people who don’t acknowledge / take account of me in very low level ways and it’s a really horrible thing to experience.

Thank you @Stainglasses

I think I'm also feeling a bit rubbish for being the oldest on the team, yet the least senior. Again, absolutely not their fault. But another thing to add to the mix of emotions I'm feeling.
Maybe it's some kind of mid-life crisis!

Don’t worry about that. Keep working hard, gather all the experience you can!

Is it just that they are the first and second, and the team is so small? I am a second, and my first and I often have to have conversations away from the third, that's just the heirachy. Our third is still a valued team member, but does not need to be privy to certain ins and outs, iyswim. (Management team of us three, but different as there is then a team under the third person.) We are about to bring on another 'third' - that would be like your team expanding. Would you feel better if there was another person with you on your level, so the structure was more clear (does that make sense?) and you could see it is a structure thing, not a personal thing?

Everyone needs to be seen and validated, that’s normal and you may be feeling as though you’re in a kind of “odd one out” or “gooseberry situation” which can be difficult to deal with. Try not to worry about how your colleagues work together, just value your own strengths and just be you. It comes across that you’re very good at your job and care about the young people that you work with, which is what really matters. Don’t let others drag you down and remember to always value yourself.

@SpiltCoffee

You raise a good point. I think I'm taking the hierarchy too personally.

Thanks again everyone.