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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel uncomfortable here

23 replies

sajamor0811 · 04/05/2024 20:39

I've been chatting to a guy on Facebook and WhatsApp and had agreed to meet him for coffee tomorrow. I was leaving it with him to suggest the venue, though as it's in the town where he lives.

He'd not said before about times so I took it to be fairly open ended. However, he then said tonight we could meet before 2 or after 5. He's got to go to a meeting at 2.30, though he didn't mention that before.

I pointed out the coffee shops would be closed after 5pm and said I didn't want to be late back. That is true because I've things to do around the house ready for my best friend visiting on Monday. I'd also feel more comfortable with an afternoon first date when it's not in my hometown because then there's less possibility of being expected or pressured to stay the night.

He then said we could meet in a pub and it made me wonder if the arrangements and goalposts were changing. I know you can have coffee in a pub but it just made me wonder if he hoped we'd have alcoholic drinks and something else after.

So I said I can't come over earlier because of helping out on the kids' team at church. I then said if he really has to go to the meeting I'll come next Sunday. He responded with that is far and how about 4pm.

I said I don't want to be late back and thought the date was for coffee. He then said, "Do you want to spend the weekend with me?" like I was backing out.

I compromised by saying I'd get in for 4.30 and on the train back.7ish or 8ish. However, now I'm wondering if I've let myself be bullied into it and if I'll be making a mistake.

OP posts:

wutheringkites · 04/05/2024 20:42

However, he then said tonight we could meet before 2 or after 5.

Could you not have met late morning instead?

Although the comment about spending the weekend would raise alarm bells for me.

FionnulaTheCooler · 04/05/2024 20:43

His comment about wanting to spend the weekend with him was odd, but you sound like hard work too. I don't see the issue with meeting for coffee late afternoon?

Didimum · 04/05/2024 20:43

I think you’ve over complicated it a bit.

TheFoz · 04/05/2024 20:43

He’s made his intentions clear and you’ve still agreed to meet him for coffee? Why?

tennesseewhiskey1 · 04/05/2024 20:45

You’re hard work - overthinking. Just meet the guy for a drink and don’t shag him if you don’t want to surely.

Original poster

sajamor0811 · 04/05/2024 20:46

I can't meet late morning because I'm on the kids' team at church. If I wasn't I probably would have missed the service and gone over for around lunchtime.

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 04/05/2024 20:46

tennesseewhiskey1 · 04/05/2024 20:45

You’re hard work - overthinking. Just meet the guy for a drink and don’t shag him if you don’t want to surely.

This!

Original poster

sajamor0811 · 04/05/2024 20:49

I wouldn't see an issue if it was a coffee shop or stated as coffee. It just made me wonder if things had changed in his mind , especially when he said next Sunday is a long way off. But I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and not be overthinking. I'm just very mindful of not making myself vulnerable because I've been sexually assaulted (though not raped) twice.

OP posts:

DazedNotConfused1 · 04/05/2024 20:51

Surely him asking if you want to spend the weekend with him means he has very clear intentions of it being more than coffee?!

WarshipRocinante · 04/05/2024 20:54

Maybe he thought you repeatedly saying that you didn’t want to travel home late was your way of saying you wanted to stay over? So that’s why he asked if you were planning to spend the weekend at his?

Really though; who care if it’s coffee or a drink. Meet him, have a drink and then go home. You don’t have to sleep with him. So don’t if you don’t want to.

frogswimming · 04/05/2024 20:57

WarshipRocinante · 04/05/2024 20:54

Really though; who care if it’s coffee or a drink. Meet him, have a drink and then go home. You don’t have to sleep with him. So don’t if you don’t want to.

This

CaliGurl · 04/05/2024 21:08

OP it's difficult to deduce his intentions via text. He could be wanting to sleep with you, could be just trying to be helpful, I don't know. But if he had other intentions , surely he wouldn't have offered to meet before 2! Only in the night.

You've made it so much harder by not stating your preferences. He's only unavailable for 3 hours but you've pretty much written off the whole day, except for those. If you only want to meet in the middle of the day you should have said so.

'Coffee' to me doesn't literally mean coffee it's just a short date. Same as a drink. As opposed to, say dinner or a movie

Original poster

sajamor0811 · 04/05/2024 21:13

I can't meet before the afternoon because I'm helping at church - otherwise I would have gone over then. I'm not being awkward with him - I've made the accommodation. If it seems like I'm overthinking it's because there's a lot going on in my life right now. I had to take the day off work with anxiety on Wednesday and I'm seeing the doctor about that and the possibility of me being autistic on Tuesday.

OP posts:

wutheringkites · 04/05/2024 21:18

sajamor0811 · 04/05/2024 21:13

Kindly op, maybe it's best to wait and work
through these issues before dating?

fatphalange · 04/05/2024 22:01

Sounds like you've got a bit much on your plate to be dating atm, but if you're going to proceed then I'd go with a coffee date before 2 in the afternoon. If you can't make it on this occasion due to your church meeting or whatever else, suggest another day when you'll be available. He has made clear he is ok with a day time date as he is the one who came up with the 'before 2' suggestion.

Sillyjane · 04/05/2024 22:04

To be honest I thought you were over thinking till I read the comment about wanting to spend the weekend with him.

why did he say that? Have you indicated that’s an option? To go from meeting for coffee to spending the whole weekend with him is incredibly odd.

hg167 · 04/05/2024 22:14

Is this the same person that you posted about last week who you were put off meeting as you didn’t feel comfortable and already felt he was being controlling with comments that he had made?

If so, it really does seem like you don’t want to meet up with him as you aren’t ready to yet, and with everything else that’s going on in your life at the minute, it may be best holding off on dating at the minute to stop causing added stress.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5063064-am-i-being-unfair-here?page=1

Am I being unfair here? | Mumsnet

I've been chatting to a guy on Facebook Dating and really don't know what to make of him or my feelings about him. He's not revealed very much about...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5063064-am-i-being-unfair-here?page=1

FeatheryStroker · 04/05/2024 22:35

That's what I thought.

It doesn't sound like a good day to meet.

You have a commitment in the morning.
He has a commitment in the afternoon.
You don't want to meet in the evening.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/05/2024 22:41

None of it sounded weird (on his part) until the bit about spending the weekend together. That was odd.

But even before that it sounded like you were desperately looking for reasons to back off, so I wonder if you are really enthusiastic about dating, or just feel that you should be?

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/05/2024 23:20

Why couldn't he make things easier for you and come to your town?

Sillyjane · 05/05/2024 07:56

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/05/2024 22:41

None of it sounded weird (on his part) until the bit about spending the weekend together. That was odd.

But even before that it sounded like you were desperately looking for reasons to back off, so I wonder if you are really enthusiastic about dating, or just feel that you should be?

Agree, unless he has some comprehension issues, the only reason someone would say that, is if that’s what’s on the table. But the op is saying she only agreed for coffee. So he’s very odd indeed and I’d not go.

CaliGurl · 05/05/2024 11:38

Maybe give dating a miss OP. You've got too much going on at th moment.

Luxell934 · 05/05/2024 12:11

Christ almighty, if you don’t want to meet him after 4pm just say “That doesn’t work for me, can we do next Saturday/Subday at 10/11am instead?”

Sounds like you’re massively overthinking. Judging from your other thread I don’t think you should bother meeting this guy, cut him loose OP and work on yourself for awhile.

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