To feel constantly afraid of doing something wrong or being 'told off'?

[butitlooktothesky]

I've been reflecting on why I have such a fear of driving, and I realise because I'm terrified of doing something wrong. Obviously worst case scenario is because it could mean someone gets hurt or worse, or somebody's car or property gets damaged, etc. But I also worry about little things that even highly experienced drivers do as a part of being a human, like maybe pulling out on a car and causing them to slow down because you misjudged how fast they were approaching, or missing a chance to pull out at a roundabout when you could have gone due to hesitation, etc.

I've been thinking about it and realising that I worry about doing something wrong or being told off or publicly shamed constantly. If I'm in the supermarket I constantly worry about being in the way of others, or if I brush past someone accidentally I feel so guilty. When I take my dog for a walk I worry about him weeing on someone's front wall or hedge and being shouted at. My dog did a poo right in the middle of the path the other day, I couldn't stop him as it was too late by the time I noticed, usually he will only go on grass. But he did it in front of someone's house, and obviously I picked it up but I spent the rest of the walk worried that they would be annoyed he did it outside their house, and would post on the local Facebook group about it...

Is anyone else who worries about things like this?

Were you a good girl and didn’t get in trouble enough as a kid? Maybe it’s a fear of the unknown, not knowing how to handle it out of lack of experience?

For me it’s plain old anxiety.

Or did you get told off way too much as a kid?

Thanks for posting this. I wrongly assumed responsibility OCD was worrying about killing someone, rather than just upsetting them. I will have a good read up on it now I know it has a name.

I was like that all through my teens, till I was early 20s really. It has gradually got better with age. Having a DH who is very confident and doesn’t care what people think of him has helped a lot.

I’m 50 now and while I still count myself as one of life’s worriers it doesn’t stop me from doing what I want to do in my day to day life I do think it affected my ability to develop a proper career though, in my 20s, as I always felt like I wasn’t good enough compared to other people. So I didn’t shine at job interviews and didn’t put my opinion forward enough at staff meetings etc. always thought “oh I can’t do that” or “oh no, I’d just make a pig’s ear of it” if someone suggested I go for a promotion. It just brought with it a general lack of confidence in my own ability.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a bit neurodivergent.

Other times I wonder if it’s because of my upbringing. I was a bit overprotected, I suppose, so didn’t ever develop the confidence to be able to do things wrong and get over it.

yes, this is exactly me. Just adding to the general consensus- this is an anxiety disorder, which can be managed very well with medication and/or counselling.

I'm not sure where mine stemmed from, a counsellor did do a bit of digging with me and uncovered lots of feelings about my teenage years and parents divorce where I was made to feel responsible for their emotions, so I'm pretty sure that's contributed to it. But as I said, it can absolutely be helped with medication and counselling, all the usual boring stuff. I stopped drinking alcohol which helped a lot.

I stopped drinking alcohol which helped a lot

I second this too. I used to get absolutely horrific obsessional anxiety after drinking which ramped my obsessional thoughts up to the max eg "did I say anything to offend anyone last night?, do they all hate me now, oh gosh, what exactly did I say when I was talking to XYZ" etc. then I'd go over and over conversations analysing every detail. Now I dont drink and have had some therapy its all but disappeared. There is hope OP x

uncovered lots of feelings about my teenage years and parents divorce where I was made to feel responsible for their emotions,

Your whole post resonated with me, but this bit was like a lightbulb. I've just realised that this is what happened with my parents - I was made to feel responsible for their emotions. There were certainly other things in my childhood, but I've suddenly realised this is where most of it stems from - mainly my mum, but also from my step dad.

A cousin of mine once asked his mum "Why doesn't Aunty X like Tiptop?" Because of the way she treated me in general, he was quite young at the time as was I.

I lived my life on egg shells, but no matter what I did, how hard I tried, it was the same result. If I did something 'naughty' (that I now realise kids do, normal things) it was the end of the world, if I hurt myself and cried, if I broke something it was never about me, it was about how she reacted to it, can't ever remember being comforted but shouted at and just made to feel like I was just an inconvenience and a bother if I took up any time or energy. And worse sometimes I'd be accused of making it up, or doing it on purpose to piss my mum off.

I had appendicitis as a teen, it burst as it was being removed, because she was convinced I was making it up and wouldn't take me anywhere or call anyone, she finally did to "Stop all the fuss" and the last words to me as I was put under for the OP were "If they cut you open and find nothing wrong with you I'll kill you". She was a nurse for 30 years, but seemingly blinded to the clinical symptoms because it was me. I was terrified when I woke up and spent almost a week in hospital because I developed a post op infection. We were going on holiday two days after I got out and I never heard the end of how I "Almost ruined it for everyone".

I've known since my 30's that the way I am as an adult stems from that, the constant anxiety that OP describes of inconveniencing someone else, hurting someone else, that I'm just in the way wherever I am and whatever I'm doing.

I've got better, I used to take so much and then explode and people would be really offended and upset - I went about it the wrong way but I also learned from it and slowly my mind set is changing and I now won't take it so much, I speak up, my feelings are as worthy as anyone else's. I stand up for myself but in a thought out and calm way usually, and after the event.

It's exhausting though, I totally get it.

Oh my goodness so much of this is me. I hated cooking for my children as I was always scared I was going to give them food poisoning, I always worry about conversations I've had and if I've said the wrong thing - I can worry for days after the event. I get DH to vet all my letters and emails so that say the right thing
When I was at secondary school I would rather not do my homework than do it wrong. I don't know where it stems from, my parents were a bit strict

There might be a bit rejection sensitive dysphoria involved here too. Like it isn't the anxiety about doing something wrong, it's the fear of criticism of being seen to do wrong.

How you describe yourself is exactly like me, so first of all know that you're not alone. I was diagnosed with ADHD last year and also suspect I may be on the spectrum x

I spent my whole life like this until I started taking SSRIs (Sertraline, 100 mg / day) a few years ago. I also have (had? I feel like I'm cured, but who knows) responsibility OCD and contamination OCD.

See your GP. I wish I'd done so sooner. Now I just feel like a normal person who can cope with things I used to dread. It's so liberating not too care so much about what other people may or may not think.

(I also had a parent with an explosive temper.)

Thank you everyone. I'm already diagnosed with anxiety and on a fairly high dose of anxiety medication. I've never thought about it from an OCD angle so I'm going to read up on that tonight, thank you.

I think it may stem from childhood. I was a goody two shoes, very sensitive. My parents never really had to tell me off, and if I was told off at school I would cry. My Dad is the complete opposite to me, he has anger issues and he will shout and swear at 'bad' drivers, he drives aggressively, he's even gotten into arguments with other drivers that have resulted in us being followed by them. He will be rude to shop workers. He constantly does things 'wrong' as he thinks the rules don't apply to him. I get intense second hand embarrassment and hate being seen in public with him unless he is in a good mood.

I wonder if it's because I worry that whoever I encounter in public or when driving will be like my Dad? Or maybe I've been affected by constantly having second-hand embarrassment and being tarnished with the same brush when out with him that I feel like I'm a bad person by association.

Just want to say OP the bit about driving totally chimed with me.
I always worry about doing something wrong or my actions having catastrophic effects somehow. I worry that I am directly responsible for most things that may affect my 2 DD's.
I hide it well, most people would probably be utterly surprised if they knew.
I also had a Father who was loving but unpredictable with his temper and he would get quite angry and impatient quite quickly.
You are not alone and I'm so relieved that other people feel the same and it's not just me.

Honestly OP I could have written your post. I never used to worry about driving but recently as I have got older I am feeling more intimidated by other drivers. The rest of it is me completely. The dog thing especially and worrying what I have said to others. I am frequently tense thinking I am about to be shouted at / swore at / blamed for something.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional household. Depressed dad who always stuck up for mum no matter what she was saying/doing. Mum (had borderline personality although it was not diagnosed till years later) and blamed everyone for everything. So myself (and to be fair my siblings too) got blamed for all manner of things outwith our control. Normally in a very frightening way. If you tried to talk back to defend yourself my dad would immediately shout 'how dare you talk to your mum like that'

So the conversation would go like
Mum angrily 'this is your fault I have to have a surgery because you were such a big baby when you were born. I should never have had you. You weren't worth the pain of childbirth. No wonder your dad wanted me to have an abortion and dosen't love you'
Me ' but that's not fair i didn't have any choice about being born'
Dad' shouts how dare you talk to your mother like that'

Plus another billion examples of this.

One year mum got no perfume or chocolate at xmas time (she got presents just not those things). Went mental shouted, swore and ruined xmas because everyone else had a selection box but nobody had got her one because we were all so useless. Next year we ALL bought her chocolates and perfume and she went mental because we all got her the same thing and nobody had made any effort. Again christmas was ruined.

A childhood of my mums violent moodswings and gaslighting aided by my dad who ignored us and only spoke up to defend my mum's abuse has left me in a huge state of anxiety about everything. I was also made responsible for trying to keep my mum happy and fix things for her. When I was 19 I had moved away and living with boyfriend. Dad phoned me and said 'your mum's depressed you have to come home and fix her'. And 19 year old me didn't think that was weird or awful and promptly dropped everything to book holiday to come home and cheer mum up because that was 'my job'

I am medicated now but still anxious. Hardly surprising really but still very sad.

I have often been shocked by how reasonable, calm and undemanding people I had relationships with were and amazed when things went wrong and they didn't think it was my fault or try and blame me.

I am like this - I'm not able to drive myself, but I'm nervous when someone else is driving. I'm always apologising because I think I might be in someone's way and that kind of thing. I'm neurodivergent which might partly explain it - very much a rule-follower, I feel uncomfortable if things are 'wrong' in some way

I am the same, me automatic default is I must be wrong or doing something wrong, I am so worried about getting something wrong I tend not take risks, I always worry about being disappointing and letting people down.

I have often been shocked by how reasonable, calm and undemanding people I had relationships with were and amazed when things went wrong and they didn't think it was my fault or try and blame me.

There were a few occasions when I was younger and in the presence of a friend’s dad or a male family member where I would do something ‘wrong’, like spill a drink or talk too excitedly, and I’d expect to get hit or shouted at. I remember feeling so surprised I didn’t.

I remember sitting in the kitchen on my birthday after opening my presents. My parents were having a massive row because they’d bought me the same thing, they must’ve got muddled over who was getting what. I felt so guilty, like if I wasn’t here or I didn’t have a birthday then this wouldn’t be happening so it was my fault.

I can’t remember if I already hated birthdays by that point but I found the charade unbearable. That it was the one day they didn’t shout at me, even though they wanted to, and how tedious they must find it. My only concern was to appear happy and grateful to my parents. My birthday was about making them feel good, not me. In reality I was very unhappy.

Pure-OCD was going to be my suggestion for something to look into, too.

I think it may stem from childhood. I was a goody two shoes, very sensitive. My parents never really had to tell me off, and if I was told off at school I would cry.

Me too- nervous, shy and sensitive (I have an ocd type disorder and anxiety) and I grew up with a volatile brother whose moods and behaviour were unpredictable, hence my mother was always anxious and stressed. So I minimised my needs in order to keep the peace as much as I could. Going out as a family became stressful due to the possibility that my brother would have a meltdown in public. I’m a terrible catastrophiser, always expecting the worst to happen. CBT and meds have helped.

Another thing @butitlooktothesky , please spend much less time with your father. Being with an aggressive, shouty man who has road rage and is rude to shop staff, in front of you and everyone else, is no doubt continuing to damage you further. You don't owe him your company and at this point in your life you need to focus on healing yourself. That in turn will improve your child's wellbeing.

Yep! Turns out I have ADHD 😁so I’ve had a lifetime of being told off for getting things wrong but not really understanding why. This makes me hypersensitive to it.

Can totally relate, especially the driving anxiety. I haven't driven post pandemic because of it. It hangs around me as dark cloud. Logically I know I could do it and it would bring me a welcome level of independence, but I hate the thought of introducing any level of unnecessary extra nervousness to my day beyond the minimum needed to survive. I was outwardly competent behind the wheel after passing my test, but that first few minutes of new driver nerves is all I'd remember and fixate on and associate with driving, not the other half hour where I could drive ok and managed to get to my destination without getting into an accident or pissing off other drivers. I can trace this kind of thought process right back to my earliest memories of starting school and throughout, despite consistently doing well academically.

I was like this for around a decade with getting the train to work as well. I'd have to get to the station half an hour before the train was due and would fixate on the possibility that I may lose my ticket or get off at the wrong stop. Whilst at work, I was always terrified of making a small mistake and getting fired then never being able to get another (minimum wage) job. My Mum would always catastrophise the most random mundane situations when we were children, so it probably has it's roots there. I don't know how you shake it though other than experiencing enough time of said random thing not happening for your central nervous system to stop going into overdrive.