To wish my oldest friends were more supportive?

[VenturingOut80]

I have a group of 4 friends who have been close since school. Our lives are all very different but we’ve remained close. All of us have moved from our home town, 3 are now back there and 2 of us live several hours drive away. We’ve never had any big falling out or anything. I have noticed over the last few years, they don’t seem to support the good stuff in my life. I have a hobby, part of a group and I love it. The group has a Facebook page, when we have an event my local friends (where I live now) and my family are always supportive. Wishing luck, being generally encouraging. I’ve noticed my old friends never mention it, it makes me a bit sad really. I always try to be supportive of them and whatever they are up to (one quit a high flying job to start her own business, another went back to uni aged 42). They are all busy, but on the group chat they support each other, just not me.

18 months ago I got divorced. They were very supportive but I found one of them in particular, her attitude was very black and white. Telling me I should do x and y (e.g change the locks, just sell the house etc despite me explaining it wasn’t that simple).

A few months ago I met a lovely man and we’re slowly getting to know each other. Nothing crazy or fast moving. We both have kids, only see each other when child-free, no plans to introduce them or anything soon so nothing my friend could be worried about. Whenever I mention him it’s like tumbleweed. Again, my local friends are happy for me. Why aren’t my old friends? They just don’t seem interested.

AIBU to feel a bit hurt by this?

What do you mean by ‘close’, though? How often do you talk or see one another? Because it would genuinely never occur to me to comment on someone else’s hobby online. And have your old friends actually met your new boyfriend?

Other than social media/group chat what are your interactions like? Do you see each other in person or speak one-on-one?

It may be that your "old friends" don't feel any connection to your current life. Comments on FB etc. tend to be more superficial.

Of course you're not being unreasonable to be hurt - you feel how you feel - but I'm not sure your expectations are realistic if your friendship with these women has dwindled to just commenting on social media.

We chat all the time, group chat is pinging back and forth every day and we spend at least 2 long weekends together every year, we’re planning a holiday together later this year. We tell each other everything. That’s how close we are.

It’s not the commenting on social media, it’s more that they don’t mention it or ask about it when we’re together either, and if I say anything about it it’s like they couldn’t care less.

My boyfriend has been away with work for a couple of weeks. I said to my friends last night he’ll be back this week and I’m really looking forward to seeing him and not one of them has even acknowledged it. The chat carried on like I had said nothing at all.

My local friends are totally different. They ask how things are going with new man, are happy for me and we are equally interested and supportive of what’s going on in each other’s lives.

They sound like foul- weather friends. Being happy for each other and celebrating good times is a key part of good relationships so you're not unreasonable to miss this from them. You said you celebrate their achievements but do they celebrate each other's?

I hear you. I have a group of old friends who Definitely aren't as supportive as friends i have made in adult life. Tbh I've just stopped sharing as much details with them,I did find it sad but now I just think sod it. We still chat and banter but I wouldn't be sharing every detail of life and sometimes not even the important ones.

Relationships change OP.

It’s sad but they do. I’ve had something similar happen and I’ve just chosen to step back. They are not my ‘people’ anymore. It’s sad as I’ve known my best friend since I was 9 and we’re 45 now but it was getting a bit one sided and I felt a bit used.

However new friends - good friends that I enjoy spending time with have surfaced and I focus on them. I have more in common with them than older friends who I have spent a life time with.

Take a step back from the group and let it just run its natural course 💐

It sounds like they think your new fella is bad news for some reason.

Agree- they have concerns about new man.

Im honestly not interested in my friends running achievements that they put on Facebook. I largely ignore it. That does mean I dont. Care about my friends. I just find their hobbies boring to me

I think sometimes when you do something out of old friends lived experiences or expectations they see you as not one of them anymore, are they all in well established relationships?

It could be that for reasons they don't even know they just don't see you as one of the pack anymore.
The dynamics change and you are a bit of threat, make people subconsciously question their own relationships, like you are one of 'those' sort of people now.
Their instincts are to disapprove because it's out of their comfort zone and might even be giving them the ick.

I'd just ask to be honest if they are such close friends and you want to keep them it's worth an honest discussion.

Maybe, they've never met him though and if they have no interest in knowing anything about him what are they basing that on??

Forget facebook, if you were in a group conversation and the discussion was around plans for the weekend. Friend A says - I'm out for dinner with the family, everyone else says, ah great! Have a lovely time. Friend B says I'm doing a charity fun run - awesome, good luck! I say 'I've got a performance with the group tonight' - gets ignored. That's not a lack of interest, that's just plain rude.

They do celebrate each others. They share their holiday pics, them out with their partners. What they send gets a reaction. I put a photo on of me and my new bloke when we were out one night (the others had already posted pics of their nights out). Totally ignored it.

I wonder what the hobby is? Something like taking up running can be very consuming to the person doing it, but not so much to friends at a distance, especially because it is ongoing and essentially risk free (whereas quitting a successful career to start your own business or going back to university in your forties are more stressful and the encouraging comments have an undertone of "Jesus, I'm not sure I would do that but I really hope it goes well for you!")

And with the new man you are rightly keeping things very low key, so until there is something more to say, there is not much more for them to say. Your friends haven't met him and, like your hobby, it is not as real to them as the things they see and experience for themselves. Geographical distance has an effect over time.

That’s a shame OP I can understand why you feel disappointed and overlooked.

It’s exactly the same with my friendship groups. My oldest friends feel like family and have been friends for life (55 years and counting). It’s really reassuring to have that stable presence in your life and a group who share your history. Just like family though they don’t necessarily know much about my daily life and I don’t often confide in them. I have much more recent friends who I confide in. I don’t think that’s a sign of a bad friendship, just a different type of friendship.

However, as others have said, even though they don’t know your new partner there might well be reasons (reasonable or unreasonable) that they are wary of him. Eg. Is there a big age or income difference? Does he have a dodgy reputation or past? Does he do a job that they might look down on or intimidate them? They might just be avoiding talking about him because of reservations.

Thank you. I think it is partly just a distance thing but it does make me sad.

I honestly can't see any reason they are worried about my new guy. Same age as me, divorced with one kid he has a great, involved relationship with. Good job, own house, similar lifestyle. Nothing dodgy at all!

I can see why you find it upsetting as, from what you've said, it seems like just you who is being ignored. Has this changed recently? Since your divorce maybe?

Someone else mentioned, maybe that is making them feel a bit insecure or just changing the dynamic a bit. Are they all married? It could be that they feel you are moving on too quickly/ rushing into a new relationship? It doesn't sound like you are, but I might to them if their lives are very settled and stable.

Regarding the hobby, other people's hobbies aren't generally that interesting. It would be nice if they were supportive but maybe they think you've been going on about it too much so they just don't want to encourage you as they don't want to hear more. Is it exercise based? Could that be another source of insecurity if they aren't very active and you suddenly are?

I'm not sure what to suggest other than seeing how things are when you next all get together in person? See how much interest they show then and if you still feel like they are overlooking you or being quite cold, maybe you need to let the friendship slide.

They are all in settled long term relationships or married. Me being single was definitely a shock to the system. I don't go on about my hobby at all. I barely mention it nowadays since there's been so little interest from them.

Sorry being vague about the hobby. Its outing I think if I say what it is. It's not sport though.

For whatever reason, they aren’t interested in your hobby, or your boyfriend, or something in the way you message about these two things doesn’t invite a response? If you are on the chat and message about something different, do they respond — as in, is it only your hobby or boyfriend mentions that don’t elicit replies?

I kind of get where you're coming from OP.

My oldest (and I would say best) friend lives in the same town as me.
I'm in the process of buying my first ever home - a massive deal to me - I've always rented before now. But Friend couldn't seem to care less.
When I text her to say my offer had been accepted, a massive deal for me, I didn't hear anything for nearly 3 days, until she sent one fanfare trumpet emoji.
I love her so much, that I try not to let it bother me, but I hear from her maybe once a fortnight, if that. I know the whole "roads go both ways", but for so long my texts have just been sent into void that she doesn't respond to for days and days, if at all, that I kind of stopped trying.

Whereas my next best friend and I are in touch multiple times a week, and she's been really interested and supportive of the house buying process throughout. It's a glaring contrast, that's all.

I would take a step back from this so called friendship group. They are making it obvious they either don't like you or are jealous of you. who ignores a friends comments like that.
I wouldn't tell them anything more about your life, let's see if they start asking you how things are and if they don't it tells you that they aren't your friends.
I would concentrate on the friends who do take an interest in your life.