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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being deeply upset by this comment ?

34 replies

blueyavocado · 03/05/2024 23:27

Mother in law said to my partner 'no wonder she's fat she sleeps 16 hours a day' I have a 2 month old baby I used to be 52kg and now 62kg , because I've just had a baby. I feel absolutes devistated , am I being unreasonable for feeling absolutely devistated and calling her a narcissistic cow .

OP posts:
HugeCwtch · 03/05/2024 23:28

So your partner told you? Or did she say to you?

If your partner told you, I have a quick way for you to lose weight!

If not, then the old reply of " well I can lose weight , but you'll always be a miserable cunt" is in order

Edit spelling

mossylog · 03/05/2024 23:31

It was a very rude and unwarranted comment from the MIL, you're obviously justified in being upset.

Original poster
blueyavocado · 03/05/2024 23:37

HugeCwtch · 03/05/2024 23:28

So your partner told you? Or did she say to you?

If your partner told you, I have a quick way for you to lose weight!

If not, then the old reply of " well I can lose weight , but you'll always be a miserable cunt" is in order

Edit spelling

Edited

I overheard her shouting about it

OP posts:
Sconeswithnutella · 03/05/2024 23:37

The comment was rude and mean. Why on earth did your partner tell you though?

Sconeswithnutella · 03/05/2024 23:38

Sorry just saw your update. She’s horrible and I’d keep my distance.

Original poster
blueyavocado · 03/05/2024 23:38

Sconeswithnutella · 03/05/2024 23:37

The comment was rude and mean. Why on earth did your partner tell you though?

He didn't I overheard it as she was banging on about me and me struggling to breastfeed etc . And saying she can't understand why I don't just breastfeed my baby etc lots of horrible stuff

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 03/05/2024 23:39

How rude. And he was very silly to repeat it to you, is he very young?
I can remember my SiL in tears because her mother had told her she was fat 5 days after giving birth. It was a mixture of nastiness and complete lack of empathy, she thought she doing her daughter a favour by flagging it up! Your MiL doesn’t even have that excuse, and God only knows what DH Was thinking to repeat it.
I would actually get tough about this, tell DH you want an apology from both of them. They both need to know that you are not going to put up with this sort of comment. Nip it in the bud.

SmallIslander · 03/05/2024 23:41

It's a pretty callous and unpleasant person that would say (shout?) something like that about a new mum. I hope your partner has your back.

I think that would be enough for me to withdraw from that particular relationship.

Don't worry about your weight gain, it's a temporary thing. Your baby loves you in any shape you take.

Mumoftwo1312 · 03/05/2024 23:45

2 months is no time, I felt very emotionally vulnerable after having both mine. Do you have some support with the breastfeeding?

As for your mil, don't give her another minute of your time until you get a full apology. If you can, feel sympathy for her rather than anger because she's clearly got a lot of self-hatred and internalised misogyny to be that cruel to a new mum. She must walk through life bitter and unhappy.

But all the same, don't give her another minute of your time. She can visit, cuddle your baby, etc - after she apologises!

Mumoftwo1312 · 03/05/2024 23:47

Ps and yes, I'm sure you don't need reassurance about this but the baby weight will fall off gradually, don't worry about it! It took me over a year after my first, didn't do anything special, never dieted or anything

DelphiniumBlue · 03/05/2024 23:50

Oh sorry, just seen it wasn’t your DH saying it.
He still needs to tell his mother that you heard and an apology is due from her. And that she can’t come to your home until that happens.

HeddaGarbled · 03/05/2024 23:55

Well, yes, calling her a narcissistic cow would be unreasonable because that’s similar behaviour to hers (nasty and aggressive insult throwing).

She sounds like a nasty piece of work and I don’t think you should allow her anywhere near either yourself or the baby but you can protect yourself whilst maintaining your dignity and calm.

Original poster
blueyavocado · 04/05/2024 00:03

SmallIslander · 03/05/2024 23:41

It's a pretty callous and unpleasant person that would say (shout?) something like that about a new mum. I hope your partner has your back.

I think that would be enough for me to withdraw from that particular relationship.

Don't worry about your weight gain, it's a temporary thing. Your baby loves you in any shape you take.

I want to stay away from her it's just we live with her and our jobs are in London and hard to get somewhere affordable

OP posts:
Original poster
blueyavocado · 04/05/2024 00:04

Mumoftwo1312 · 03/05/2024 23:45

2 months is no time, I felt very emotionally vulnerable after having both mine. Do you have some support with the breastfeeding?

As for your mil, don't give her another minute of your time until you get a full apology. If you can, feel sympathy for her rather than anger because she's clearly got a lot of self-hatred and internalised misogyny to be that cruel to a new mum. She must walk through life bitter and unhappy.

But all the same, don't give her another minute of your time. She can visit, cuddle your baby, etc - after she apologises!

It's a shame as we live with her but I want to move , we need to sort ourselves out.

OP posts:
Original poster
blueyavocado · 04/05/2024 00:05

Mumoftwo1312 · 03/05/2024 23:45

2 months is no time, I felt very emotionally vulnerable after having both mine. Do you have some support with the breastfeeding?

As for your mil, don't give her another minute of your time until you get a full apology. If you can, feel sympathy for her rather than anger because she's clearly got a lot of self-hatred and internalised misogyny to be that cruel to a new mum. She must walk through life bitter and unhappy.

But all the same, don't give her another minute of your time. She can visit, cuddle your baby, etc - after she apologises!

We are seeing a specialist next week as my milk supply is so low

OP posts:
Pheasantpluckerswife · 04/05/2024 03:04

OP, did you have a normal birth? I was induced and had a ceserean both of which were not conductive to milk production I have learnt.

We ended up having to combi and then bottle feed when I went back to work, but my supply was also low. Some people's just are.

I had a lot of guilt and shame over it all and tbh it still makes me angry 6 years on if I think about it, so I don't. My DD is happy and healthy and taller than most of the kids in her class.

Your MIL needs to back off and understand that pregnancy, birth and raising a child is very different now to when she raised your DH.

Also your baby is not hers. Sending hugs

Original poster
blueyavocado · 04/05/2024 03:20

Pheasantpluckerswife · 04/05/2024 03:04

OP, did you have a normal birth? I was induced and had a ceserean both of which were not conductive to milk production I have learnt.

We ended up having to combi and then bottle feed when I went back to work, but my supply was also low. Some people's just are.

I had a lot of guilt and shame over it all and tbh it still makes me angry 6 years on if I think about it, so I don't. My DD is happy and healthy and taller than most of the kids in her class.

Your MIL needs to back off and understand that pregnancy, birth and raising a child is very different now to when she raised your DH.

Also your baby is not hers. Sending hugs

It was quicker than normal the Labour progressed really quickly and he was born within an hour at hospital. It's been a struggle as he had toung tie and we didn't realise so supplemented with formula . It's hard and comments around breastfeeding are so sensitive xx

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 04/05/2024 03:47

Did your partner defend you to his mum?

Original poster
blueyavocado · 04/05/2024 06:06

MariaVT65 · 04/05/2024 03:47

Did your partner defend you to his mum?

Me he said I'm beautiful and to ignore her

OP posts:
Josette77 · 04/05/2024 06:10

How long have you lived with her?
She sounds awful, but I'm wondering if there's more to this?
Who does the cooking and cleaning in her house?

DanielGault · 04/05/2024 06:16

blueyavocado · 04/05/2024 06:06

Me he said I'm beautiful and to ignore her

Show quote history

Well he's right! Re bfing, it you want to do it and you can, that's great. If you can't, for whatever reason, that's ok too, it's not a failure, it just is what it is. I had to give up after a month and I felt bereft, but I just wasn't capable. At the end of the day, I had to make sure my baby was fed, by hook or by crook and if anyone was judging me for that they could f off. Likewise anyone judging a bfing mother. To put it very politely, MYOB!

Nicole1111 · 04/05/2024 08:08

You need to explore alternative living arrangements urgently. It’s not healthy for a baby to be exposed to shouting and someone being abusive about their mum.

Original poster
blueyavocado · 04/05/2024 09:16

Josette77 · 04/05/2024 06:10

How long have you lived with her?
She sounds awful, but I'm wondering if there's more to this?
Who does the cooking and cleaning in her house?

I've lived with her for a year , cooking is eifher her , me or my partner. Cleaning is any of us

OP posts:
Original poster
blueyavocado · 04/05/2024 09:17

Nicole1111 · 04/05/2024 08:08

You need to explore alternative living arrangements urgently. It’s not healthy for a baby to be exposed to shouting and someone being abusive about their mum.

We do , I've discussed it with my partner , I don't want my baby to be exposed to shouting. He's a happy chilled out baby at the moment , but I'm worried about the impact on him. We need to move for his sake

OP posts:
Civilservant · 04/05/2024 09:19

Y, do whatever you need to do to move out asap!