Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that he might have said’I love you’ by mistake

19 replies

Lilbly · 03/05/2024 23:14

Me and my ex had a unique relationship.
He is a great person but he was a terrible boyfriend and I just leave it at that. He was never abusive at all but he had hurt me.

The break up was long and painful. Lots of tears, lots of fear if we made the right decision, lots of feeling lost and sad in both sides.

We have stayed in good ish terms. Talked and shared superficial stuff with each other on a regular.
I don’t mean that our relationship was superficial but I think we wanted to keep some kind of relationship going but also start building our own life/giving each other space.

A few weeks ago we talked on the phone. It was just a quick 5min chat. He was semi occupied at…
At the end when we were saying goodbye he said ‘I love you’ exactly the same way he would have said it while we were together.

Like okay, ‘have a good day! Enjoy/have fun at XYZ. Speak later’ and reply ‘sounds good. You too. I love you’

and that was that…

I kind of dismissed that he said that… I honestly just thought that it was a reflex reply. But then he went off the radar after and haven’t heard from him since.

I haven’t contacted him. The truth is that I was willing to work on the relationship and he pulled the plug. I didn’t want to stay in our old set up but I was willing to make changes and work on it.

It’s been hard and mostly tried to control reaching out to him. But I knew it was the best for me and perhaps him too. I miss him terribly as a person, and I feel bad for admitting that I still have feelings for him, but I know he wasn’t putting the effort into our relationship.

I wonder now though, was that I love you at our last chat a confused reflex goodby or something else?

ps we broke up about 9 months ago

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 04/05/2024 06:55

Only he has the answer.

Mothership4two · 04/05/2024 07:03

I think "I love you" when you are saying goodbye can be a reflex thing. I have said it to the wrong person and when my OH was coaching, several mums said it to him over the years. The call was short and brief where he was distracted not deep and meaningful, so it doesn't sound as though there was any 'message' in it from him.

How often do you normally speak? If this is an unusually long gap for you then maybe he was embarrassed or is making it quite clear there was nothing to it. You seem to be doing the same OP. Or maybe this is a natural break where your relationship/friendship has run its course?

Lilbly · 04/05/2024 14:09

Thank you! I do think that it was a reflex answer.

It shook me ever so slightly. I have such a mixed feeling about our break up. At times I feel it was the right thing to do, other time I think we would have been a great couple had we actually worked on our relationship.

It takes two to tango though and he didn’t want to work so that’s that. He seemed to be quite low and broken right up until the last time I spoke to him, s sometimes I wonder if he was feeling the same.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/05/2024 14:11

I think you should stop chasing him and move on.

Lurkingandlearning · 04/05/2024 15:07

I think I’d feel the same - wondering if his low mood, without him giving another explanation, was because he was regretting the beak up, whether he said that because he was feeling the closeness he’d felt before and said it as a reflex to that.

I’d be tempted to be bold and text him explaining that you still have feelings and would like you both to try to have a relationship, doing what needs to be done to make it work.

Without that you will be in a kind of limbo and I think as much as you want him in your life as a friend it’s going to hurt you in the long run and make it harder for you to begin a relationship with someone else.

Lilbly · 04/05/2024 16:37

Haha, I’m hardly chasing him… after he moved out I was the one who stuck with no contact but if he contacted me I would have felt awful not getting back to him.

I don’t know if he feels low because of the break up. I think he has a lot of other things on his mind.

Not going to message him. I respect whatever happened. If he needs time, needs no contact or moved on.

It’s really really tough still. I miss him as a person terribly but as I said he wasn’t the best boyfriend so I don’t miss being in a relationship with him (that much at all )

OP posts:
Anothnamechang · 04/05/2024 16:39

It’s a reflex thing, I’m used to saying it at the end of my calls. To the point I’ve said bye, love you to our GP on a telephone appointment!

FlameTulip · 04/05/2024 16:41

I have also said I love you by accident when saying goodbye. I would forget it happened OP.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/05/2024 16:58

Lilbly · 04/05/2024 16:37

Haha, I’m hardly chasing him… after he moved out I was the one who stuck with no contact but if he contacted me I would have felt awful not getting back to him.

I don’t know if he feels low because of the break up. I think he has a lot of other things on his mind.

Not going to message him. I respect whatever happened. If he needs time, needs no contact or moved on.

It’s really really tough still. I miss him as a person terribly but as I said he wasn’t the best boyfriend so I don’t miss being in a relationship with him (that much at all )

I don’t understand how he can be such a great person if he was a shit boyfriend?

Lilbly · 04/05/2024 17:10

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/05/2024 16:58

I don’t understand how he can be such a great person if he was a shit boyfriend?

Hmm… I’m not quite sure either to be fair.

He was always there for me and could talk to him about anything and everything except one thing- our relationship.

He looked after me and knew me very well.

He is a great person, has his annoying habits but all around a great guy. But the thing is, he just couldn’t move on with our relationship. I wanted to talk about children and other things and he wouldn’t … we were stuck and utter shite at communication about our relationship. Everything else was easy…

OP posts:
EatCrow · 04/05/2024 17:13

Lilbly · 04/05/2024 17:10

Hmm… I’m not quite sure either to be fair.

He was always there for me and could talk to him about anything and everything except one thing- our relationship.

He looked after me and knew me very well.

He is a great person, has his annoying habits but all around a great guy. But the thing is, he just couldn’t move on with our relationship. I wanted to talk about children and other things and he wouldn’t … we were stuck and utter shite at communication about our relationship. Everything else was easy…

Is he scared of commitment?

Lilbly · 04/05/2024 17:16

EatCrow · 04/05/2024 17:13

Is he scared of commitment?

Maybe? I don’t know… i honestly can not tell how much I tried to understand him.

we were together for a very long time … think of the range of nearly 10 years

I think all considering I’m not doing too bad. I do wonder, I do miss him but I’m very good at no contact. It super tough after such a long time being together and I’m only in my early 30’s

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/05/2024 17:17

If a relationship is right then it should feel natural and easy to talk about the future. The minute one party shows signs of being uncomfortable about future plans and you know they dont see you as being together then. You’re just Mr/Mrs Ok For Now.

RoseGoldEagle · 04/05/2024 17:23

It shouldn’t be this hard OP. It sounds like you ended up great friends, but that’s not enough to commit to be with someone forever. I think you’ve done the right thing and will move on and look back and be glad you made this choice.

Lilbly · 04/05/2024 17:28

RoseGoldEagle · 04/05/2024 17:23

It shouldn’t be this hard OP. It sounds like you ended up great friends, but that’s not enough to commit to be with someone forever. I think you’ve done the right thing and will move on and look back and be glad you made this choice.

I don’t know about great friends 😅 but I see what you mean.

It’s very sad though and I’m allowing myself to feel sad. I’m not making myself believe any what ifs or could maybes … they do cross my mind - and I let them - but I don’t believe in them. In my head this makes sense 😅

OP posts:
EatCrow · 04/05/2024 18:03

Lilbly · 04/05/2024 17:16

Maybe? I don’t know… i honestly can not tell how much I tried to understand him.

we were together for a very long time … think of the range of nearly 10 years

I think all considering I’m not doing too bad. I do wonder, I do miss him but I’m very good at no contact. It super tough after such a long time being together and I’m only in my early 30’s

You can send yourself nuts trying to understand him. I guess he’s definitely a challenge but some challenges aren’t worth it for me.

Lilbly · 04/05/2024 19:39

EatCrow · 04/05/2024 18:03

You can send yourself nuts trying to understand him. I guess he’s definitely a challenge but some challenges aren’t worth it for me.

Oh I know! I did it throughout my 20s. Not an easy habit to drop but working on it

OP posts:
EatCrow · 04/05/2024 19:42

Lilbly · 04/05/2024 19:39

Oh I know! I did it throughout my 20s. Not an easy habit to drop but working on it

Same here! I had my issues for sure and I picked the baddies, I think I had a commitment phobia. Do you think you could have?

Lilbly · 04/05/2024 19:49

Commitment phobia? No, I doubt!

I have my fair share of problems though but I have been seeing a therapist for nearly 2 years now and working hard on myself.

I think that there is a lot of things I did wrong in my relationship, it wasn’t just him. A lot of it was him but it i certainly wasn’t innocent in it all

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread