To ask for advice about helping an alcoholic

[Sheeples]

Trigger warning… alcoholism/addiction

I know somebody who admits they have an alcohol addiction. Average probably 2 bottles of wine a day. This has developed over perhaps the last 5-10 years

Whilst saying they want to stop, or at least get it under control, it is clear there is no real drive there - despite on the face of things there being plenty of reasons for them to try and tackle this addiction. Money and family being two good ones. They have had so much support from family and friends who know about the issue, but for various reasons they are alienating themself a bit now because frankly some folks just don’t know how to help any more and are getting a bit fed up of the apparent lack of drive to make any effort to help themself. They say they will do X, Y, Z but then nothing happens. There has been some lying also

Any advice from anyone who might have been through something similar with a close friend, partner or family member?

Inpatient detox will not work as once out, I expect the drinking would just restart. How can I help this person start making some changes? They seek out dopamine hits which makes it tricky

Thanks for any advice you may have

You can't. The best advice I can give is walk away. I know this sounds harsh.

The person needs to want to get clean. If they have others (like you) monitoring and being in control by 'helping', the person doesn't have any need to sort themself out.

The kindest thing you can do to help is to cut ties with the person.

My ex was an alcoholic. Believe me, I spent years trying to help him. I tried absolutely everything I could think of. Nothing worked. There's nothing you can do that will make any difference.

Concur.

giving time and attention to an alcoholic is like giving money to a gambler: an absolute waste of your resources and creating a sense of entitlement.

Run away, and tell them to contact you when they’re serious. you know that they are bull shitting you, right? They don’t intend giving.

You can't fix an addict. They have to want to quit. As hard as it is, do nothing and perhaps at some point they will sink low enough to realize they need help. Unless and until that happens, there is absolutely nothing you can do.

Only the addict can give up the addiction. You can’t do anything.

Don’t make a fuss of them - care for the people they’ve damaged while if nec keeping them at a polite distance.

Another here whose partner was an alcoholic. I was young and naive but tried so incredibly hard to support him. He lied and lied and drank and drank. He died 2 years ago leaving our two young children devastated. He always had an excuse and blamed others.

Read your own post back to yourself....see how the addict has had plenty of help available but never changed? See how you have been drawn into their denial games..... "In patient detox won't work".

See how they have made their problems your responsibility?
See how manipulative they are?

Save yourself years of tears and heartache....Walk away while you still can.

Tricky. If people they love have confronted them about it and they still can't change there's not a lot you can do. There's a saying in recovery, "Addiction is a lift going down... you can get off any time you like but it will only take you lower". Sometimes another stop on the journey down will jolt someone into action, but quick floor it is depends on the individual.

This bit

Whilst saying they want to stop, or at least get it under control

Is indicative of their not being ready for sobriety yet (since they still think cutting down is an option).

But! So it's not all negative I'll give you some advice that could maaaaaybe help, depending on their character...

I think understanding the difference between psychological and physical dependency was a huge lightbulb moment from me. I leaned this from my key worker but there are plenty of books about it. Basically, people assume psychological dependency means = emotional/imagined. It isn't... It just means your brain kicks off when you quit rather than your brain and body. It's horrible. Your friend will be having very real symptoms when they cut down even at "only" 2 bottles a day which are scary and hard to manage alone. They might not have seizures and die but they'll still be going through all sorts of horrible stuff, so cutting back and tapering off needs to be planned with the corrects vitamins and lots of tips and tricks from other addicts.

Would they talk to other addicts? I didn't like AA all but the online SMART meeting are CBT based and very calm and practical.

The NHS community drug and alcohol support services are excellent but they do boot you out of you don't put the effort in, so they might not be ready for this yet.

There is a huge amount of excellent literature out there nowadays aimed at "early intervention" level drinkers, which is super helpful and doesn't make you feel like a saddo and a down and out for needing help. This Naked Mind is a great one to start with. If it's a man Alcohol Lied to Me might be good too.

As others have said, don't give more than you can afford to emotionally... Your nice for caring. Addiction is so hopeless and isolating.

My late dp died from alcoholism, the first thing to do is to get them to the doctors for liver function blood tests & to be referred for a liver scan. That will tell the state of their liver & if they have already got liver disease. Ask about the drug & alcohol service, in some areas you self refer, others you need to be referred, you will be given a drug & alcohol worker the first time you go. When you start your worker will talk to you about your drink history, how much, why you drink, what are your triggers, you will most likely have to fill out a drink diary for the first few weeks. Once they decide you are ready you will start a detox which involves a worker coming out to see you once a day where you do a breath test like the police use to check you haven't been drinking before giving you your medication for the day to stop you having withdrawals & reduce the risk of alcoholic seizures, it's usually Lorazapan & Acamprosate, they do this for 5 days before tapering off the lorazapan, you stay on the acamprosate until you are used to not drinking, they can put you on Antabuse if needed once you are clean, this causes horrific side effects if you come into contact with alcohol, even in toiletries which are throwing up, sweating, palpitations, breathing problems, you have to check everything you eat, drink or use on your skin, I made the mistake of kissing dp when I had drunk a low alcoholic wine & he threw up for 12 hours. They need to follow the counselling, it is more psychological than if you go to AA which is more religion based, chances are they will relapse, but they need to keep on following the process & not give up. It needs to be the person who drinks who wants to give up, not them going because they are pushed into it. Don't forget that it isn't your fault they drink, you didn't make them into an alcoholic, they will lie, cheat & steal to feed their addiction & there is no shame into walking away.

You can't. I lived briefly with a partner who had an alcohol problem. When that was over, I did some reading etc and came across the quotation, 'Alcoholics don't have relationships. They take hostages.' It really resonated.
So yeah, you can frogmarch them to the doctor for scary tests and detoxes but it won't work until they want it to.

@Sheeples , absolutely nothing you can do to ‘help’ in this situation; sorry. The addicted person needs to come to a place where they feel sufficiently beaten that they want help.