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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to block deadbeat ex

5 replies

Sophiablue95 · 03/05/2024 21:57

Hi all,
dc2 father and I split up just before finding out I was pregnant (due to his cheating). At first he seemed alright about the pregnancy then demanded I got an abortion.
I didn’t go through with it and continued the pregnancy alone (he had blocked me
on everything).
A couple of weeks after dc was born I realised he had unblocked me so sent him a generic message informing him on dc birth and to contact me if he wanted to meet him. To my surprise he said he wanted to.
The first few visits went well but ever since he has been trying to cause arguments over messages which I don’t rise to and give generic replies or ignore. He then blocks and unblocks me. I presume he’s trying to make excuses to not see dc.
I’ve tried to keep the peace for dc sake but he keeps hurling insults over message. One minute he says he’s going to go for full custody and then refusing to see dc as I refused to get back in a relationship with him.
He also likes to brag that his deadbeat friend (both high earners) didn’t see his dc for years or pay maintenance and then took the mother to court and got 50/50 but only sees the dc when it pleases him. Clearly to avoid any CMS. He also keeps saying I must have got pregnant on purpose because he’s a high earner and I want money (I haven’t claimed CMS off him)
Today he asked to see dc this evening then never turned up.
AIBU to block him off everything and let him take me to court? I’ve never tried to withhold contact but his gaslighting behaviour is causing me stress. DC is only a few months old.

thanks in advance :)

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 03/05/2024 22:14

I don't have any advice for you, but hopefully someone else here has.
Sounds like a difficult situation!
I hope it will all work out for you and your family.

StSwithinsDay · 03/05/2024 22:18

Apply for CMS. And block him.

Ellie56 · 03/05/2024 23:14

StSwithinsDay · 03/05/2024 22:18

Apply for CMS. And block him.

Yes do this. What an unmitigated twat and useless father he is.

Sam0207 · 03/05/2024 23:44

I had a gaslighting, abusive arsehole ex.

Set up a generic email address, text him and let him know you will now only be communicating via that email then screenshot any previous messages (email to yourself), block (and delete) him on everything else.

Apply to the CMS. Takes ages but any money is backdated to the day you apply. Rough idea of what you'll get for the baby is 20% of his post tax income.

Don't offer times for contact but respond to email if he asks for it - I'd do a three strikes and you're out rule (in my head, I wouldn't tell him this).

All hand over and drop offs done in a public place (Costa, Maccy D etc). If he's 30 minutes late without emailing you to let you know just email to say you've waited 30 minutes and now you are going home - but don't respond to any "excuse" email. If he's late bringing baby back, email and ask why. This way you'll have a dated "paper" trail.

If he threatens court just say "ok, that's up to you" and enter no arguments. Don't fall for the "I'll do better" and "if you stay away from CMS I'll pay you more" - he won't, it'll just be another gaslighting tool. I avoided CMS at first as my ex was a builder (and I thought he wanted to do the right thing by our children). Until two weeks before christmas when he stood on my doorstep, waved a HUGE wad of £50 notes in my face and said "nah, I think I'll watch you struggle". And refused to take the youngest because I didn't have any disposable nappies for him. Fucking wanker.

99% guarantee he either won't bother or gives up when he sees:
A) How much it will cost him
and
B) He isn't getting a rise out of you (or any attention).

I've heard the grey rock method mentioned a lot on here - I did this with my ex - it drove him crazy that he wasn't getting under my skin. I loved it lol. The crazier he got the more I laughed (to myself or to my mates, not to his face, that would have been a disaster).

You'll probably get a lot more gaslighting and mentions of you being crazy, social media whining and possibly (if he's anything like my ex) his Mummy getting involved, heads up there is no such thing as Grandparents Rights. On that note, he doesn't have "rights" - your child has rights, he just has responsibilities.

Let it wash over you, don't play the game - take back your power, smile and enjoy these early months with your baby.

I stressed myself into an actual breakdown trying to appease my ex so that my children would have a father in their life. Turns out I was trying to make sure they had the father I wanted them to have and that they deserved. Not the father that he actually was.

Sophiablue95 · 10/04/2025 09:18

Thanks all for your replies and so sorry for my update! As expected, he disappeared and we haven’t heard from him since July. Hopefully it lasts!

OP posts:
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