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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For being really PO that another mum is jealous of my sons statement

49 replies

sussies · 02/04/2008 16:37

Today I was waiting for ds, when another mum came upto me and screamed in to my face, that it was 'fing disgusting that ds had a statement and her kid didn't when her kid is a yr older and was the same intellectually as ds'. She (after a lot more screaming while I stood there like this ) said he had only got his because he was a crip! I am so upset, I worked my arse of to get him his statement so it was in place when he started school (btw ds is 8 and yr 4, her daughter is 10 and yr 5). I took a deep breath and said well, she should do it herself and not rely on the school.
You don't have to post, I just needed to vent. And now I am going to feed my kids and take them swimming.
Thank you for reading. S

OP posts:

donnie · 02/04/2008 17:36

my good friend has struggled like mad for overtwo years to get her autistic son statemented and it was only when they threatened the tribunal that the education authority relented but this took two years of hell and hundreds of hours of her time. No doubt it's been just as hard for you sussies - that other mum sounds like a twat.

kittywise · 02/04/2008 17:41

how awful for you, what an ignorant bitch

Leonorap · 02/04/2008 17:44

I'm a teacher - you are totally in the right. Ignore her. Your son has a statement because he needs one. They are ridiculously hard to get because the government has put special needs children in mainstream education - which is a v good thing and then with drawn support to save money - v bad thing. It affects all children and they are trying to abandon special needs. This womans son does not have a statement for either 2 reasons 1. she has not fort hard enough - you shouldn't need to fight for a statement but unfortunately you do or probably the real reason 2. He cannot learn because he has not been equiped with the right social/behavioural/concentrational skills as other because his mother is teaching him how to behave and apart from that there is nothing else wrong with him. People like you deserve a statement, they don't just go to people with disfunctional kids who are looking for someone else to blame! i had a statement myself at school for dyslexia but now 'good' children with valid statements are overlooked because of 'naughty'ones on behavioural statements. Direct her to this chat then she can read what other people think to if she harrassessyou again.

bigknickersbigknockers · 02/04/2008 17:50

When do you know that a statement is needed?
DS2 has speech and communication problems and we have just applied for some funding for help for him when he starts school in september.
Will the SENCO/ Ed psych tell us if a statement is needed?

ancientmiddleagedmum · 02/04/2008 17:54

Bigknickers, you can't really rely on the SENCO or Ed Psych, as tbh anyone who's paid by the LEA has a different agenda to yours. Their agenda: save money. Your agenda: get your DS the right education. They will only give statements out now if your child has significant problems coping in school , otherwise they just put you on Early years or Action plus. Do you think he will cope? Can he understand most of what's said to him? Is he anxious about large groups? Did he cope in pre-school? My DS would never in a million years have coped in mainstream without an LSA, he would just have run off or the teacher's whole time would have been spent on him. It is a fight to get a statement, but it can be done and I can help with advice if that's the way you want to go?

chipmonkey · 02/04/2008 18:09

The woman is a nutcase! Well done for keeping your composure!

TotalChaos · 02/04/2008 18:15

bigknickers - agree with amum.

to the OP - that woman sounds like a complete fricking bitch. Without the common sense to ASK you nicely how and why your DS has a child and hers doesn't.

bigknickersbigknockers · 02/04/2008 18:58

Ancient, he loves pre school although he doesnt always understand what is said to him, he usually copies what everyone else is doing.
The Ed psych came to assess(sp) him and he just stared vacantly at her, until his key worker explained that he could only understand 2 key words. Ed psych said she had to apply the teast the same to each child, than when key worker said that you have to break down the sentence into 2 or 3 words she did re phrase the questions she was asking DS2
eg. instead of saying can you find tha pencil, she said find pencil. He did really well in the test when she did this but she said she would have had a paper with nothing on it had she done the test properly. I am now hoping that this does not mean the amount of funding is going to be a lot less than it would have been if she had applied the test correctly. I dont know where to turn, I feel sure there are children out there with worse problems than DS2, though I dont know who is actually on my side, and how will I know when to push for a statement.
PS Sussies, sorry you were treated so badly, and sorry for crashing your thread

Original poster

sussies · 02/04/2008 22:59

Oh wow, thank you so much for replying your replys made me cry, thank you so much.
I was in a state of shock when I came home from school that I was just so shocked, I mean every woman at some point has to deal with bitchiness, its just that this was awful and it was so out of the blue. DH knew something was up, but I couldn't tell him, his reaction would of been awful.
Anyway at swimming I bumped in to ds 1:1 (the lady who helps him in school) and she asked what the woman had said to me, (she said she could tell I was upset during change over and had seen the other lady walk away from me). She was upset as I am, and recommended that I tell the Headteacher tomorrow. The thing is although there was a load of witness in the respect people could obviously see she was shouting at me, no one was close enough to hear what she said, (the playground is big). I am sad for her that her son has reached year 5 and she hasn't got her son a statement of educational needs which he needs, I actually had not realised he needed that, but as his mother it her duty to do the best SHE can for her son, as it is also my duty, for my son.
As for the 'crip' statement, I am so shocked that anyone could be so cruel. I will say this though, if she had said it in front of ds, I would of killed her.
Thank you all once again, and for each and every one of you going through the statementing process good luck and the biggest and best wishes ever, because you are remarkable women.

OP posts:

Original poster

sussies · 02/04/2008 23:06

bigknickersbigknockers, I found great help from partnership with parents. This is a Kent organisation run through the council, link here if you look up your council, there should be one in your area, but, I am sure they send out info to anyone in the UK.

I have to be honest, whenever I go in to any meeting and fill in any form, I always give my information as the worst case scenario, as if I was giving my ds to you for a week ... as if you had never met him and knew none of his needs.

If there is anything I can do, any thing you just want to talk about CAT me, and if i can help then I would be glad too.

OP posts:

minouminou · 03/04/2008 11:07

Jesus....what a class act she is.
You must get this dealt with.
I would've headbutted her at the "c**p" point in her tirade.

SmugColditz · 03/04/2008 11:11

her kid is probably emotionally stunted if that's the kind of behavior he is witness to on a regular basis. What a fucking nutter.

FioFio · 03/04/2008 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

sussies · 03/04/2008 14:56

You know what Fio, a day later and I can see she is under stress, and out of all of it I am angry with my self for not having pulled her up on the c**p word, because that reallyx2 upset me more than anything. I had a word with the Headteacher today, and told him what happened and asked him to help her or get someone to help her, because next time the kids might be there and I cant have this sort of shit thrown at me in front of them. The Head was realy understanding and said he would see what he can do (we will see about that ) but, the kids break up today, so thats it for a fortnight which is a bit of a relief actually. Thank you all very much.

OP posts:

elesbells · 03/04/2008 15:01

I'm someone could say that to you, what an awful woman.

FioFio · 03/04/2008 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ladymariner · 04/04/2008 01:11

Stressed or not, thats an appalling thing that she said to you. congratulations for keeping your cool and not sinking to her scummy level, don't know how you did it as I'd have lost it, got all undignified and decked her!!

SparklyGothKat · 04/04/2008 01:20

DD1 has a statement, and it took me 3 attempts and 3 years to get it. I can't believe a mother would say that!! If someone said that about Ds1 I think I would have burst into tears

milliec · 04/04/2008 08:33

Message withdrawn

Original poster

sussies · 05/04/2008 12:40

Thankyou for your replies. It is a small school and we live in a small area, Ds Statement is not something I or his teachers have screamed from the roof tops, but when he is escorted out of school everyday, and the other students will see him working with his 1:1 all the time, it wouldn't take much to add things up and for others to work out he has a statement.
I am still angry with my self for not pulling her up on her c* comment I feel that I have let ds down. Got to say though, I am not normally backwards in coming forwards, so it is a first for me not to have said something. Sparkly, I did go home and have a cry.

OP posts:

Hassled · 05/04/2008 12:50

How awful - you should be congratulating yourself on your restraint. My DS3 is Statemented and I have had a few looks from other parents as he is a bright, happy, sociable, physically able boy. But he has "a sever phonological disorder" (verbal dyspraxia) and needs daily speech therapy in order to maintain what intelligibility of speech he has.

The point is a) you have to work bloody hard to get a Statement and b) they are never thrown away on kids who don't actually need them. Each child with a Statement is assessed by the world and his dog along the way. And as for that "crip" comment - it's like the Disability Discrimination Act had never happened.

dustystar · 05/04/2008 12:57

what a horrible women So far the only comment made to my face about ds statement was from a mum of one of dd's freinds who said we were really lucky that ds had a statement as we could get him into the school we wanted. Her dd is nt so no statement and, as she is out of the catchment area, no chance of getting into this school. I did point out to her that I would far prefer that ds didn't need the statement and couldn't get into the school either but I really don't think she got what i meant. I was shocked enough by her attitude but I am completely and by what this women said to you.

Peachy · 05/04/2008 13:02

I don't think the DDA has happened for a lot of epople sadly, even our school publicly issued a letter sayingt hey would be looking at introducing it later in the year as it was third on their list of priorities.

I am amazed you kept calm, Sussies- I don't know that I could have. I know other people struggle to get statements but we each have to sort it for ourselves, I've done it for 2 kids and it is a Hellish stress but just something you have to do.

It's ahrd for it not to be obvious that a child is statemented- especially if that child has 1-1 as Sussie's does and mine do, as the statement is the only way you usually get that.

I don't understand why people wait for school to apply for them- apart from the conflict of interests, you get so much mroe inoput (eg access to tribunals etc) if you apply as a parent. Besides, our SENCO at the time told us she'd applied and been refused.... it was a lie... he wasn't even on the register of SN at the time (DS1)

dustystar · 05/04/2008 13:07

I think poeple wait becuase they aren't aware they can apply for one themselves. I wouldn't have known if my mum wasn't a senco and had told me to do it. MN is great for this sort of advice but i only found it after ds had been exc,uded for the 2nd time and i had applied for the assessment.

I also don't make a secret of ds statement. i think it must be obvious to most of the parents of children in his class as he has fulltime 1:1. I don't broadcast it but I don't want ds to feel that it is something to be ashamed of or hidden. He has enough problems with his self esteem as it is.

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