Page 2 | Aibu or is my friend taking the piss?

Undeux · 2024-05-03T20:16:25+00:00

This morning I got a text from a friend saying they were going away for the weekend and needed to borrow an item of mine if that was OK and they'd said they'd be round after work. I said I needed to go and do an errand this evening and would do so after they left. All fine I text a few times asking what time they'd be here and was getting no response. About 10 minutes ago they text finally replying saying sorry for not telling me sooner but they've now borrowed it from someone else so won't be coming. I then told them how annoyed I was as I've been on hold for hours ruining my evening plans as I said I'd be here for them and they've utterly taken the piss out of my time. They've then got angry at me for being upset.... Aibu?

alrightluv · 03/05/2024 23:40

@Hippii that's not a friend. How rude!!

Original poster

Undeux · 04/05/2024 11:46

Thanks all. I weirdly feel more upset about it this morning!

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Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 11:48

Maybe your upset that you realise she wasn’t a friend and that hurts ..I’ve been there sorry your feeling this way

Original poster

Undeux · 04/05/2024 12:34

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 11:48

Maybe your upset that you realise she wasn’t a friend and that hurts ..I’ve been there sorry your feeling this way

Thank you. I'm not going to end the relationship over it because she's been great in a lot of ways but I am deeply disappointed. We are both autistic and she struggles to put herself in other people's shoes when stressed but to get angry at me being angry wasn't alright

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Spirallingdownwards · 04/05/2024 12:38

She considers her time to be more important than yours.

You now know. And for future reference.

I would have also done my errand and she would have had to wait for me rather than me her - if she needed it that much she would have - which in the end she didn't.

Original poster

Undeux · 04/05/2024 12:42

Spirallingdownwards · 04/05/2024 12:38

She considers her time to be more important than yours.

You now know. And for future reference.

I would have also done my errand and she would have had to wait for me rather than me her - if she needed it that much she would have - which in the end she didn't.

Part of my autism is that if I've said I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it. I don't do transitions well so I couldn't casually pop out and not be anxious about being back

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Doingmybest12 · 04/05/2024 12:44

I guess most people don't call others out on behaviour and she came back fighting instead of just saying sorry. Situations make us learn how to manage things like this next time, so I'll be in til..... or back after ....... most people will have experienced other people being late, not turning up, thinking you've got all the time in the world. I hope you salvage your friendship , its just one of those annoying things.

Original poster

Undeux · 04/05/2024 12:50

Doingmybest12 · 04/05/2024 12:44

I guess most people don't call others out on behaviour and she came back fighting instead of just saying sorry. Situations make us learn how to manage things like this next time, so I'll be in til..... or back after ....... most people will have experienced other people being late, not turning up, thinking you've got all the time in the world. I hope you salvage your friendship , its just one of those annoying things.

Yes I did ask the time and she said she didn't know. I should have just said yes, but I need to go out at x time so it'll need to be before then but I didn't think I needed to. I will learn from that going forward and not allow open ended limbo for myself

She did say sorry but was angry that I then explained how much she'd put me out and was angry at her taking me for granted. Then it was a ffs I've said I'm sorry, paraphrasing

Thank you, we'll be ok, I just wish she got that her behaviour has consequences

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Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 14:44

Undeux · 04/05/2024 12:34

Thank you. I'm not going to end the relationship over it because she's been great in a lot of ways but I am deeply disappointed. We are both autistic and she struggles to put herself in other people's shoes when stressed but to get angry at me being angry wasn't alright

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I get that totally and I wouldn’t give up a friendship over it either tbh …I have G.A.D so I understand as I can be a bit tricky sometimes I don’t mean to be and I’m sure this will blow over just have the chat xx

Sillyjane · 04/05/2024 14:54

I’d also not give up a friendship over this, the intolerance on here and scorched earth approach always surprises me. I would speak to her about it though, then move past it. She’s clearly made a thoughtless mistake and then felt guilty.

FlakyPoet · 04/05/2024 15:05

In your title you do an either or. Your friend did take the piss and you are not being unreasonable for expressing how much she pissed you off, but YABU to expect someone to not be defensive when you tell them off. It’s demeaning to be told off whether or not you were in the wrong. If you dislike that kind of confrontation there are probably ways of being clear and firm about how you’ve been inconvenienced and upset by the lack of consideration and how you would like them to make it up to you, without provoking a defensive response.

Original poster

Undeux · 04/05/2024 15:17

FlakyPoet · 04/05/2024 15:05

In your title you do an either or. Your friend did take the piss and you are not being unreasonable for expressing how much she pissed you off, but YABU to expect someone to not be defensive when you tell them off. It’s demeaning to be told off whether or not you were in the wrong. If you dislike that kind of confrontation there are probably ways of being clear and firm about how you’ve been inconvenienced and upset by the lack of consideration and how you would like them to make it up to you, without provoking a defensive response.

All I said was that they should be sorry as they've wasted my evening waiting on them and it wasn't a fair way to treat me when I was only doing something to benefit her. So I don't take any blame for 'provoking a reaction' because I did exactly what you said and still got that response. If you don't want people to be upset with you, don't do upsetting things, no?

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Original poster

Undeux · 04/05/2024 15:18

Sillyjane · 04/05/2024 14:54

I’d also not give up a friendship over this, the intolerance on here and scorched earth approach always surprises me. I would speak to her about it though, then move past it. She’s clearly made a thoughtless mistake and then felt guilty.

You take the reaction as guilt too? I hope it's that, shes never not had good intentions, it just snow balled after she got angry back and somehow I end up apologising

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BobbyBiscuits · 04/05/2024 15:24

She shouldn't have been angry with you, but maybe you did some what snap at her. I'd say you should've said, 'yes, pop round but I'm going out at X time so it needs to be before then.' Then if she's a no show just text saying, 'soz I missed you, but had to go out as mentioned'. She definitely should have told you as soon as she had the item in her hand from the other person, 'thank you so much but I managed to grab one off of x'. I would hope it wasn't enough to fall out permanently over though.

FlakyPoet · 04/05/2024 15:26

Undeux · 04/05/2024 15:17

All I said was that they should be sorry as they've wasted my evening waiting on them and it wasn't a fair way to treat me when I was only doing something to benefit her. So I don't take any blame for 'provoking a reaction' because I did exactly what you said and still got that response. If you don't want people to be upset with you, don't do upsetting things, no?

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I think it’s perfectly acceptable to express it when someone has mucked you about like that.

However, think it’s unreasonable to not expect someone to overreact when they’ve been pulled up on something. It’s human nature. Especially if they do something like your friend did. They obviously aren’t able to appreciate how they put you out. Expressing it informed your friend, but it was too much for them to take in at once.

If they say “sorry” and that doesn’t feel enough to soothe your sense of injury, what is it that they could do to make it up to you?

You can say, “Well we can’t turn back the clock, but I would like you to do xyz to make it up to me otherwise I’ll feel resentful”.

Original poster

Undeux · 04/05/2024 15:30

FlakyPoet · 04/05/2024 15:26

I think it’s perfectly acceptable to express it when someone has mucked you about like that.

However, think it’s unreasonable to not expect someone to overreact when they’ve been pulled up on something. It’s human nature. Especially if they do something like your friend did. They obviously aren’t able to appreciate how they put you out. Expressing it informed your friend, but it was too much for them to take in at once.

If they say “sorry” and that doesn’t feel enough to soothe your sense of injury, what is it that they could do to make it up to you?

You can say, “Well we can’t turn back the clock, but I would like you to do xyz to make it up to me otherwise I’ll feel resentful”.

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I think you're right, it was too much for her realising she'd upset me that much

I would have accepted the sorry if it wasn't spoken over me trying to explain. I just got a 'but you weren't going anywhere were you?' when I'd told her twice I was so I was frustrated at the minimising rather than just apologising

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FlakyPoet · 04/05/2024 15:36

Undeux · 04/05/2024 15:30

I think you're right, it was too much for her realising she'd upset me that much

I would have accepted the sorry if it wasn't spoken over me trying to explain. I just got a 'but you weren't going anywhere were you?' when I'd told her twice I was so I was frustrated at the minimising rather than just apologising

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Yes. Your friend sounds a bit crap at handling that sort of situation. I hope you can both patch it up when you are in less stressful circumstances. It sounds to me that your friend is a bit disorganised - needing to borrow something essential at such short notice like that. Maybe the stressful situation she’d orchestrated for herself put her at the limit of what she could handle, and being asked to recognise her impact upon others at that point pushed her over the edge.

Original poster

Undeux · 04/05/2024 15:42

FlakyPoet · 04/05/2024 15:36

Yes. Your friend sounds a bit crap at handling that sort of situation. I hope you can both patch it up when you are in less stressful circumstances. It sounds to me that your friend is a bit disorganised - needing to borrow something essential at such short notice like that. Maybe the stressful situation she’d orchestrated for herself put her at the limit of what she could handle, and being asked to recognise her impact upon others at that point pushed her over the edge.

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I hope that's probably it. I'm just pissed off that she's all sorted even though she messed up and I didn't ask to be involved and I'm the loser in the situation! Lesson learned

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FlakyPoet · 04/05/2024 15:52

Undeux · 04/05/2024 15:42

I hope that's probably it. I'm just pissed off that she's all sorted even though she messed up and I didn't ask to be involved and I'm the loser in the situation! Lesson learned

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I can completely understand why you’d be upset though, you were true to your word, you think it’s incredibly important to be true to your word and not let others down when they are relying on you. It’s affronting for her to be so cavalier about your thoughtfulness.

You probably need to have a plan for how you can bring it up in more relaxed circumstances and she can make it up to you, otherwise the resentment will eat away at you.

Caroparo52 · 04/05/2024 15:54

You'll know next time the answer is No

Original poster

Undeux · 04/05/2024 15:56

FlakyPoet · 04/05/2024 15:52

I can completely understand why you’d be upset though, you were true to your word, you think it’s incredibly important to be true to your word and not let others down when they are relying on you. It’s affronting for her to be so cavalier about your thoughtfulness.

You probably need to have a plan for how you can bring it up in more relaxed circumstances and she can make it up to you, otherwise the resentment will eat away at you.

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Yes, she didn't understand why I couldn't just go out and do whatever I needed to do.... Completely missing the point that I'd then not be there when she turned up and that I was handcuffed to my house until she arrived

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