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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

LPA for my brother

3 replies

WhatShallIdo11 · 03/05/2024 18:50

I've been battling this for 2 years now - long story but my brother become unwell 2 years ago - mentally incapacitated - shocking living conditions. After a 7 month stay in a secure hospital I moved him into a care home near me - he lived around the M25 - on a good run an 1.5 hours journey. Decided to have the house renovated - it was tough doing it from a distance especially as I was still working full time in a demanding job. Anyway builder did a runner and got away with owing £20000. Decided to sell as couldn't do dodgy builders again. Just completed and am having to invest a large sum as best I can to maximise his income. I decided to take early retirement last year as couldn't sort all his stuff out whilst working. I cannot tell you how many days/weeks I've spent dealing with all his stuff but, as his attorney, I'm not able to claim anything. I had a good paid job and I'm still spending at least 1 day per week sorting the legal stuff - ever bank I've dealt with have different criteria for opening new accounts in his name. I love my brother but we were not close at all - I visit him at least once a week but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he would not do the same for me - he would not help me when our mum died and our dad had dementia. I know he is very ill but I'm so resentful - I'm going away soon but have spent all of today sorting his stuff out instead of mine - I hate feeling this way but just want to scream!!!!

OP posts:
G123456789 · 03/05/2024 18:57

It's strange that we have feelings of me must do this or that it's our duty. Actually it's not. Perhaps contact social services in your area and tell them you are no longer prepared to do this work and they must take over your brothers affairs. You can still visit etc but you will know that you treated him how he treated your parents...avoided responsibility. Personally I'm an only child but I definitely would not take responsibility for my wife's sister or allow her to do so

WhatShallIdo11 · 03/05/2024 19:05

That is so easier said than done!

OP posts:
RudyKazoo · 03/05/2024 22:11

@WhatShallIdo11 I totally hear you. Having all that responsibility, whether self imposed or given, must be truly exhausting.

I don’t have any answers really, but can you claim minimal expenses or carers allowance? Even if it’s just a little pocket money for you.

The most important thing is to give yourself a break every now and again. A phrase I hear often on the carers/elderly parents board is “don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm”. You don’t have to step away from your brother, but you can be boundaried and protect your time/brain occasionally. Definitely speak with social services etc to see if they can help? Or can you pay for additional carers for him?

He’s lucky to have you.

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