To not go tonight?

[ChampagneSuperNova12]

Long story but DH of 20years birthday today.

We haven't had a great marriage, he can be quite emotionally abusive.
Last year I had a complete mental health breakdown. I could list the things he said & did but the upshot is that he wasn't very supportive or empathetic towards me.

I then had an accident which left me bed ridden for 4 weeks. He cooked for me and tidied the house etc but was made to feel like I was a nuisance.

We can't afford to separate at the moment and he still says he loves me but I am holding onto a grudge against him and need to let it go.

I have told him it's not a grudge but I can't get over the hurt because of the way he treated me.

After several weeks of not talking and seeing how it was affecting the children DS (19) DD (21) we agreed to just be nice to each other and get on.

His birthday today, I did get him a card (funny one not loving) and a present.

My DD and her boyfriend booked a meal and my DD asked me to go. DH said he wants me to go. I just feel a bit fake going. I in no way want the children to turn on their dad, but seeing their gushing cards to him just made me feel a bit upset.

They do not know how he treated me and I would never say, I don't want them to love me any less.

If we get on he seems to think that everything is ok, I have told him that this is not the case. I've been hurt too much but I don't want arguing or silent treatment because it's not healthy.

If I don't go then I think DD will be upset with me for spoiling his birthday!

What should I do?

we agreed to just be nice to each other and get on.

Your either putting a face on for the kids or your not, if you are then you have to go to the birthday. Or you could face up to your situation and be truthful with the kids and tell them you're not together and then you don't go... that's too late for today so you either lie and make up some excuse to not go, or you put the face on like you've said you will.

Personally think you should be truthful with yourself and separate if you're not happy together, even if you maintain the same house for a period, least it stops the lies.

I think you need to separate fruit m him and be honest with the children. They are not babies and although you say they don’t know what he did, you also say it was affecting them so they must have some idea. I would be tempted to go tonight, as you have left it rather late to make a decision but then to put in motion the steps needed to live apart.

Your children are old enough to know the truth about her father. They should know how he has treated you and then they make a choice on what kind of relationship they want with him. It is not your responsibility to decide that for them.

@Fiery30

I don't want their relationship with him to be harmed. My DS in particular had a time when they didn't get on at all. They have grown closer now and I think telling them everything Would only hurt them in the long run.

That's on their dad though isn't it? If they won't have a relationship if you told them. Reap what you sow and all that.

Personally I think I'd go for the dinner, but then in the very near future do the formal split thing (even if living in same house). Tell the children either the truth or maybe something vague like your experiences last year have meant that you have re evaluated your relationship and you have come to a decision to split.

The children don’t need to know what went on.

You should consider telling them that mum and dad have grown apart and are deciding whether they’d be happier staying the same house or living apart.

Your children will probably surprise you with a few thoughts of their own! They won’t have been totally blind to what’s been going on in the house.

Re tonight. Go and have a good time. It may be one of the last celebrations you have as a family. Don’t think about it as his birthday, just enjoy being together with the kids.

The children don’t need to know what went on.

They absolutely do! They are both adults now. Do not lie and sugar coat how your abusive husband has treated you in the past.

I'd probably go, and grin and bear it out simply because my daughter asked.

What good will it do the children to know?

Because the children are adults. And adults deserve to know the truth.

Sometimes the truth hurts, and is uncomfortable, but that’s life. Getting through shit makes us stronger and more resilient.

The OP has been emotionally abused by this man, from what sounds like, for years! She doesn’t want to go to his birthday meal. And she shouldn’t. She doesn’t even want to be with him anymore! Her adult kids deserve to know that. I know I would if it was my mother.

Your DC should know at some point, today is not the day I think. Regardless of whether or not you go this evening.

If you agreed to be nice to each other you should go to his birthday celebration.

You may as well fake it convincingly if you are going to bother faking it at all.

He is responsible for his relationship with him. You are not.

Yabu. Go out tonight, sort the mess out from tomorrow onwards. And don't sulk and be miserable - you are doing it for your children, remember. You need to take responsibility for choices here too OP.

your children are young adults - it's highly unlikely that they've grown up oblivious to any tension in the house.
you're doing no favours by pretending everything is fine for ever more, even if today isn't the right time to announce this & split.

It was my mother. I didn’t want to see, hear or know any of it. It didn’t make me more stronger. It gave me PTSD, I’m virtually estranged from my father and I have a trauma induced chronic illness.
But sure, I’m resilient if you mean ploughing on while burying my feelings like a champ.

Thank you for all your replies.

The meal was last night and we had a nice time, it was especially nice spending time with my DD and her lovely boyfriend.

Before we went I told DH that I wasn't sure about going, he said he wanted me to and even if we aren't together it would do me go to go out (I hardly ever go out) and to spend time with DD.

My children are fully aware that we are not getting on and will probably split. They think it's both our faults and my DD said she thinks we just have different "Love languages"😂

They both do get that some of my DH behaviour is not very nice, but he is a good dad to them.

I have no intention to tell them everything, this would only hurt them, it is not something they need to know.

So, it's not like we are playing happy families.

I have a tremendous amount of guilt regarding my breakdown and not being there for them. He obviously acted like he was the one keeping everything going and how it was such a stressful time for him!

I am seeing a good therapist and she agrees that to sell the house at the moment would not be good for my mental health.

He jogs along nicely, going to the gym, football, pub and I need to try and start making a life for myself. It's difficult as I'm not working at the moment and do not have many friends. But I know I need to push myself.

I think yesterday I was feeling resentful. He will never agree that his behaviour is bad and after 2 sessions at marriage counselling refused any more.

I also think I'm going to contact Women's Aid to see if I can get some help and advice.

Thanks again for all your replies.