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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder if gender disappointment always goes away after the child is born?

11 replies

doyouhaveityet · 03/05/2024 14:23

I know it’s sex not gender but if I put sex disappointment as a title it would be a bit misleading as to what the thread is about. So please don’t reply to inform me of this: I know!

I have read a few threads where posters have been disappointed by the sex of their baby when it’s been revealed at the scan but I haven’t read any where posters have been upset at birth. But does it always go away? I’m wondering if anyone experienced it at birth (when they didn’t know the sex) or even beyond?

OP posts:
sashagabadon · 03/05/2024 14:27

Yes I think so as the baby is no longer hypothetical but a real baby and they can’t be anyone else.

HelenaWaiting · 03/05/2024 14:29

I'm a bit baffled why anyone would be disappointed. As it turned out, all of mine were boys. I would have liked a daughter, but "disappointed " suggests that one sex is inferior to another in some way.

Peonies12 · 03/05/2024 14:30

I can’t get my head around anyone who’s disappointed. It’s 50/50, you know that going in. Don’t have a child if you have a sex preference.

mightydolphin · 03/05/2024 14:30

A friend I once knew really wanted a girl. She was upset that she was due to have a boy the first time around but loved her DS very much. She just transferred her hopes for a girl to her next pregnancy, which was a girl.

I imagine that most people who are set on a specific sex still feel a pang of longing if they aren't lucky enough.

I can't say that I've ever felt it personally, but I could see it meant a lot to my friend to have a daughter. I'm sure she would have loved a second son just as much.

AngeloMysterioso · 03/05/2024 14:41

You’re conflating two different things. Wanting what you don’t have is not the same as not wanting what you do have.

I had gender disappointment, particularly with my third baby as I’ve always longed for a daughter and knew this would be my last pregnancy.

I love my boys with every cell of my being. They are the most wonderful, beautiful, perfect children. I still long for a daughter. Both of these things can be true at the same time.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/05/2024 14:43

From what I’ve read I don’t think the disappointment lasts but something a longing for the other sex remains.

FlyingPizzaMonkey · 03/05/2024 14:57

I don’t think so always else people wouldn’t keep having babies until they got the sex they wanted.

I remember someone I knew years ago who was one of 9 children. Parents had 8 girls and kept going until they had a boy. Imagine being one of those 8 girls.

SadWench · 03/05/2024 15:00

I think for some people, especially women, it can be a very real longing to have a daughter. I'm not sure if it ever goes away, it's what some people really long for and if they don't get that then of course they can count their blessings for other things and it probably won't impact their lives on a day to day basis but the sadness that they don't have it probably remains in some way.

doyouhaveityet · 03/05/2024 15:00

I don’t think that’s quite accurate @AngeloMysterioso

Because when the disappointment is expressed it isn’t ’I wish we had more money / time / whatever so I could have another baby and maybe that one would be a girl’, is it? It’s ’I wanted this one to be a girl.’

OP posts:
WoolyMammoth55 · 03/05/2024 15:31

Hi OP, just offering my POV for what it's worth.

In my first pregnancy I was happy to be preggo, no expectations around sex of baby. Found out at a scan that it was a boy, great, knew we ideally wanted 2 dc so no biggie. Gave birth and loved my boy to bits.

Cue second pregnancy, my last due to finances, age, and general life choices. I was hoping it would be a girl. Was super close to my mum who died when I was young, grew up close to my sisters, majority of my friends are women - I would have loved a mum-daughter bond of my own.

It wasn't to be, and dc2 was also a boy. I didn't weep or scream or have regrets, I was just a bit gutted that I'm never going to have that relationship. I think losing my own lovely mum made it a bit sharper, maybe? But ultimately I felt very blessed for my healthy second pregnancy.

When he was born I also fell in love with him and would NEVER have swapped him (although hilariously we were in the recovery room with a couple having their second girl and the dad did make a joke about swapping the babies! Like the universe was testing me!)

But there are still tiny moments - shopping for lovely dresses for daughters of family and friends, watching them play with their dollies like I did while my boys are yomping and yelling! - and I think it's possible this will go on as they grow up: periods and prom dresses and first loves!

But ultimately I feel so lucky to be a mum to 2 fab healthy kids, have plenty of friends who struggled with men or fertility or both. I know I'm one of the lucky ones! The 'disappointment' is never enough (for me) to derail the love and luck I feel every day.

Wish you all the best.

ChristmasGutPunch · 03/05/2024 15:33

My mum used to say fairly often that she couldn't understand gender disappointment because she'd worked with so many kids with profound and life limiting disabilities that a healthy baby was a gift beyond measure.

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