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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell dd

16 replies

CatchTheBalloon · 03/05/2024 07:51

My daughter has just turned 7. She has not had much contact with her father and has probably seen him around 5 times in her life all his choice as he didn’t want to be involved. He text me yesterday telling me to say happy birthday to her (from him) no card, no present. Aibu not to mention it to her? She last saw him well over a year ago now and never mentions him.

OP posts:
Booksoverbros · 03/05/2024 07:55

I wouldn't tell her.

Did you respond to his message?

If not, don't.
Then you can say you never received it.

A bit different, but I was adopted and my birth parents were flakes, but made contact a few times.

I hated the sad and confusing emotions and wished that I didn't have to deal with that.

jeaux90 · 03/05/2024 07:56

Nope don't tell her. My DD15 hasn't spoken to her father since she was 3. She doesn't even ask about him anymore.

ThatshallotBaby · 03/05/2024 07:59

I agree, don’t tell her. He’s assuaging his own conscience, it’s not about your dd it’s about his own guilt. You are doing a great job Flowers

ThatshallotBaby · 03/05/2024 08:01

My DD’s biological ‘father’. left me when I was 5 months pregnant, she’s never met him.

JussathoB · 03/05/2024 08:01

Hmm I probably wouldn’t mention it unless she asks directly. In your situation I might sit down calmly one day and make a careful record of exactly how the communications from her father have gone. Try to be fair and note that this is your perspective . This might be useful in the future when the situation might be discussed. So credit him with sending the text, but if that’s all that happens that will be revealed as well iyswim.

GreyCarpet · 03/05/2024 08:05

No, don't say anything to her. You owe him nothing and her peace of mind.

GreyCarpet · 03/05/2024 08:08

ThatshallotBaby · 03/05/2024 07:59

I agree, don’t tell her. He’s assuaging his own conscience, it’s not about your dd it’s about his own guilt. You are doing a great job Flowers

This.

My son has never met his father (father's choice). When he was 6, his father's sister contacted me saying that her father was dying and would I take my son to meet him so he could meet his grandchild once before he died.

I did not do that either.

My son is now 25 and knows this happened. He also understands and completely agrees with why I said no. It wasn't about my son, it was about them and their feelings.

We've never heard from them again. Why would I have disrupted my child's peace of mind for that?

ZipZapZoom · 03/05/2024 08:13

Definitely don't tell her. This isn't in any way going to benefit her, in fact it's likely to do the opposite and leave her wondering why you mentioned it if there's no card, gift or visit to go with the verbal happy birthday.

He's just trying to convince himself he's a good dad because he sent the text. When in fact he's a twat and a shit father (although I'm sure you already knew that). She doesn't need to be reminded of him on her birthday and it sounds like you're doing a great job without him.

Roundandroundthegard3n · 03/05/2024 08:16

Absolutely not. If he wanted to wish his dd a happy birthday he could send a card and a little gift. Or even better, make the effort to see her. Don't disrupt your dd for some lowlife arsehole who can't be bothered with her.

I wouldn't even respond to him.

Original poster
CatchTheBalloon · 03/05/2024 10:53

Thanks all, no I haven't responded at all he is pretty much a stranger to her sadly I don't even think she would recognise him if we passed him in the street (his own doing) so I will leave it and not mention it.

OP posts:
MsMuffinWalloper · 03/05/2024 10:56

I wouldn't tell her either, he's probably just feeling sorry for himself and it's an emotional version of a booty call.

Actions not words.

Original poster
CatchTheBalloon · 03/05/2024 13:59

My son saw the message as he was playing on my phone when it popped up so I've told him not to mention anything, he said he has seen her less times than her age 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 03/05/2024 14:04

I wouldn't mention it, no. I don't think your daughter would think 'Oh, that's nice, Dad's thinking of me, he loves me'. I think she'd more likely think 'But if he wants me to have a nice birthday, why can't Dad phone me himself, and why doesn't he send me a card or a present?'

My friend's daughter had almost no contact with her father at all and barely remembers him. When she was a teenager he suddenly messaged her on social media for something like her birthday or to congratulate her on exam results or something like that. Her reaction was to think 'Oh. Bit weird' and block him.

Cyclebabble · 03/05/2024 14:26

Keep a note OP somewhere maybe on your phone of all the contact he has tried to have (which appears negligible). Some day he may want to get more of a relationship (when he will have less work to do), and if so he will try and blame you for the lack of contact. I have seen this happen. Just be clear this is all on him.

Original poster
CatchTheBalloon · 03/05/2024 14:31

Thank you I do have messages from where he said he wants nothing to do with her and to never contact him but not sure I would show those anyway as what child would want to know that?

OP posts:
Trulyme · 03/05/2024 16:52

No don’t tell her.

She’s too young and it will just confuse/upset her.

If he wanted her to know he was thinking about her then he could have sent a card.

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