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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut off sister or not?

29 replies

kcchiefette · 02/05/2024 21:04

I recently went on a trip away with my mum and 3 sisters and it was a disaster.

My sisters are 26, 21 and 17 but I have always struggled to build a relationship with my 26 year old sister due to her behaviour and how she acts.

In the past she has accused my mum of child abuse (completely made up), made her life hell and is now committing benefit fraud along with her long term partner. She has two kids. (They live together but havent declared it)

She constantly needs to be the centre of attention. Her life is always difficult. Between herself and her partner, they make more than me as a single parent but she will order designer clothing etc and take money from our grandfather every month (around £200 a month)

She is one of those types who will put others and their parenting styles down yet will play victim when its spoken back to her.

She spent the entire 4 day holiday antagonizing everyone, pushing their buttons for a reaction etc.

I finally snapped when she commented on my parenting techniques with my ASD son and told her to stop commenting on others parenting skills and techniques as they will be different.

She completely dismissed this, called me a bitch and told.me to get lost.

Nobody can say a word to her without her cracking up.

ATM I support her out of my own time by picking up her child from school on my lunch breaks and bringing her home despite her partner being at home.

AIBU to say I no longer want to do this?

I get nothing but slagged off, it isnt appreciated etc but I also love my niece and dont want to sever our relationship.

WWYD?

Suck it up?

Or stick up for yourself?

OP posts:
Littlefish · 02/05/2024 21:12

Stop being a pushover.

If her partner is at home, he can pick up the child.

Be prepared for the shit to hit the fan though!

speakball · 02/05/2024 21:13

Bottom line is call you a bitch is verbal abuse and it harms everyone who hears her talk like that. Being spoken to like that will make you unwell. Have you asked her to apologise? What would happen if you did. You are not expected to tolerate harm from anyone or for anyone. That has to be your bottom line.

Original poster
kcchiefette · 02/05/2024 21:17

speakball · 02/05/2024 21:13

Bottom line is call you a bitch is verbal abuse and it harms everyone who hears her talk like that. Being spoken to like that will make you unwell. Have you asked her to apologise? What would happen if you did. You are not expected to tolerate harm from anyone or for anyone. That has to be your bottom line.

I got no back up from any of the other 5 people on the holiday.

I have no pick ups until next Friday so O was going to say that I no longer can due to work commitments.

I am on the brink of telling her that I no longer can do that. I sacrifice my lunch break that day and have to work additional hours because I also need to do my own pick ups. I only did this to be kind as her partner apparently can't pick his lunch times and she is on a course.

OP posts:
Groovee · 02/05/2024 21:20

You'd be well within your rights to say no to the pick up. Do they do anything for you?

Greywitch2 · 02/05/2024 21:20

I'd be very clear that I was doing no favours whatsoever for someone who called me a bitch and told me to get lost.

She could whistle for it. Pick your own kid up, sis. Actions have consequences, and you don't give abuse to someone if you want favours from them.

speakball · 02/05/2024 21:41

If other family members heard it and barely noticed then there is a problem with your family. I wouldn’t choose to spend time with anyone like that. DNA isn’t magic. The bonds are like any, abuse people and they will eventual keep away.

Cherrysoup · 02/05/2024 21:44

Just tell her you can no longer pick up her dc. You don’t need to give reasons. She sounds like a total pain in the arse.

Original poster
kcchiefette · 02/05/2024 22:01

Cherrysoup · 02/05/2024 21:44

Just tell her you can no longer pick up her dc. You don’t need to give reasons. She sounds like a total pain in the arse.

You have no idea.

She spends any time she has with family pulling "jokes" or snide remarks then once they are given back plays the victim.

Spent the whole holiday flashing her designer goods about while pleading poverty as a "single mum" while committing benefit fraud.

Its offensive to actual single mums like me that work full time and earn less than her household.

I am ready to just cut her off to be honest.

And no other family members stuck up for me as its "how she is".

OP posts:
Original poster
kcchiefette · 02/05/2024 22:06

speakball · 02/05/2024 21:41

If other family members heard it and barely noticed then there is a problem with your family. I wouldn’t choose to spend time with anyone like that. DNA isn’t magic. The bonds are like any, abuse people and they will eventual keep away.

I have a great bond with my other family members and we rarely argue.

Every argument has her as the main factor.

They stay out of it as she's always been like this from she was a teenager.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 02/05/2024 22:08

Every argument has her as the main factor.

Perhaps. But she’s being enabled by your other families.

Their unwillingness to challenge her awful behaviour basically says she’s more important than you.

Not family I’d want to spend time with.

Cherrysoup · 02/05/2024 22:09

kcchiefette · 02/05/2024 22:01

You have no idea.

She spends any time she has with family pulling "jokes" or snide remarks then once they are given back plays the victim.

Spent the whole holiday flashing her designer goods about while pleading poverty as a "single mum" while committing benefit fraud.

Its offensive to actual single mums like me that work full time and earn less than her household.

I am ready to just cut her off to be honest.

And no other family members stuck up for me as its "how she is".

Show quote history

I keep seeing the ‘that’s just the way he/she is’ on here. You should not be tolerating this shit.

Original poster
kcchiefette · 02/05/2024 22:11

Cherrysoup · 02/05/2024 22:09

I keep seeing the ‘that’s just the way he/she is’ on here. You should not be tolerating this shit.

Show quote history

Absolutely

The holiday solidified this for me.

If its just us two, she is fine. More than us two, she plays up for attention and it isnt for me anymore. Im 31, too old for this and its something i would expect from a teenager.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 03/05/2024 07:21

If you decide to stop picking up her dc, consider whether you want to give no reason eg 'I can't pick up dc any more' or whether you want to confront the issue with her eg 'I won't pick dc up any more due to your behaviour towards me'.

Those two options are likely to have different consequences for you.

What I wouldn't do is say it's because you've got to work, or something like that.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 03/05/2024 07:42

Absolutely stop picking up her DC. But be careful what you say for your own protection. But be prepared for a backlash and NO support from the rest of your family as you face it.

If it ends in an 'argument' it will be easier for them to stop seeing you than deal with her retaliatory behaviour.

Original poster
kcchiefette · 03/05/2024 10:00

It will np doubt make things awkward. She is the type to take a huff, stop speaking to you if you cant do something for her.

I want to distance myself but we do have family events every so often for dinner etc so I will need to remain civil for those at least.

OP posts:
Testina · 03/05/2024 10:05

“ATM I support her out of my own time by picking up her child from school on my lunch breaks and bringing her home despite her partner being at home.”

That’s just ridiculous. Just like your grandfather giving her £200 a month!
I would phase her out, no announcement, no drama. And definitely not group trips again.

31, 26, 21, 17 though - talk about spacing you out! Your mum will have 32 years of parenting under 18s 😳

Original poster
kcchiefette · 03/05/2024 10:20

Testina · 03/05/2024 10:05

“ATM I support her out of my own time by picking up her child from school on my lunch breaks and bringing her home despite her partner being at home.”

That’s just ridiculous. Just like your grandfather giving her £200 a month!
I would phase her out, no announcement, no drama. And definitely not group trips again.

31, 26, 21, 17 though - talk about spacing you out! Your mum will have 32 years of parenting under 18s 😳

Yep I agree

We are all pretty spaced out lol - my mum remarried so had the youngest two in her late 30s

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 03/05/2024 10:26

She behaves like this because everyone enables her by not calling out her bad behaviour.

If she doesn't want to talk to you because you no longer pick her child up I would consider that a win.

windyweather66 · 03/05/2024 10:29

Talk about biting the hand that feeds her!

Hard as it is it's time to stand up to her. If she kicks off when you tell her you can no longer pick her child up, just remind her how she called you a bitch and is rude to just about everyone and you've had enough of it.

Also don't start the convo with 'I'm sorry but......'

speakball · 03/05/2024 10:31

“we do have family events every so often for dinner etc so I will need to remain civil for those at least”

it doesn’t seem to be your behaviour that is the problem. And it seems your sis has no desire to deal with her abusive personality.

Original poster
kcchiefette · 03/05/2024 11:08

Its basically all her insecurities she takes out on others.

Some examples below

On holiday, we all planned a spa trip. On the day, she then refused to go saying she would feel self conscious (she's put on a lot of weight). However, the rest of us went while she waited with a coffee. Our spa was massively cut short as my mum didnt want her waiting too long. She huffed the rest of the day because we "left her".

She spends a lot of time bitching about how lazy her partner is, but if anyone else even mentions it, we are told we are not entitled to and to shut up.

My son was staying with his dad while I was away (we co parent) and when I said I wasnt getting my son until later on the day we returned home, she said "oh you would think you wouldnt want to see him. I will be seeing mine the second I get home".

The incident where I was called a bitch was when I bought a son a giant bag of lollipops in the airport (DS is 7) and she asked who they were for. She continued on saying "oh really, I wouldnt ever give my child those lollipops" and rolled her eyes at me. I said it was none of her business to make any comment about it. If I dare give an opinion on her children, I get hit back, so I was basically just sticking up for myself. She told me to "shut up, you've been a bitch this entire holiday" and how I was immature and to act my age - lol.

She spent the holiday laughing and picking jokes at my mum who has mobility issues with her knees etc and struggled to walk. When she had a sore hip and was limping and we made a joke, suddenly we were making fun of her disability (she has EDS).

We were talking about BMI and I mentioned I was technically classed as overweight. Again, she huffed saying that apparently I was calling her morbidly obese?! 😂

Basically, she's all for making fun of others, saying what she likes, but if you say anything, she huffs and shouts at you.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 03/05/2024 11:12

She sounds horrible. Your family need to stop enabling her abusive behaviour and grey rock her, as should you.

Original poster
kcchiefette · 03/05/2024 14:42

RampantIvy · 03/05/2024 11:12

She sounds horrible. Your family need to stop enabling her abusive behaviour and grey rock her, as should you.

Edited

There has been many times my mum and sisters have not spoken to her for weeks at a time but they always seem to make up.

I think the longest I went was about a year.

OP posts:
OrderOfTheKookaburra · 04/05/2024 02:22

You need to learn strategies for talking to her to help. When talking about her husband instead of saying eh doesn't help, say "you were upset about him not helping enough before, is he still upsetting you like that?"

This will help a bit, but in all honesty, it won't be a cure all. You need to spend less time together. Suffer her presence at large get togethers, but don't go on holiday with her or seek out her company alone. She doesn't deserve your love, affection and support so don't provide it.

Grey rock her in conversations- look up the technique is you're unsure how to do it.

If your mum and your other sister moan to you about her, grey rock them too during the conversation. They're not strong enough to stick up for you. There is no need for you to support them in their dealings with her.

Original poster
kcchiefette · 04/05/2024 12:14

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 04/05/2024 02:22

You need to learn strategies for talking to her to help. When talking about her husband instead of saying eh doesn't help, say "you were upset about him not helping enough before, is he still upsetting you like that?"

This will help a bit, but in all honesty, it won't be a cure all. You need to spend less time together. Suffer her presence at large get togethers, but don't go on holiday with her or seek out her company alone. She doesn't deserve your love, affection and support so don't provide it.

Grey rock her in conversations- look up the technique is you're unsure how to do it.

If your mum and your other sister moan to you about her, grey rock them too during the conversation. They're not strong enough to stick up for you. There is no need for you to support them in their dealings with her.

I looked that up and thats what I do with my DS dad without even knowing I did lol

Yes, I will be stepping back from her. At family events, I will be seating myself away from her (we do have a family dinner at the end of the month)

OP posts: