Frozen Embryo's - when did you know it was time to let them go

[OneMellowLemonExpert]

I'm 44, DH is 52. We have 5 year old twins after 5 hard rounds of IVF.

Miraculously on our last round of IVF we had 5 x Day 5 Blastocysts frozen. When I was 39 we said that we'd keep these frozen for 5 years (at a cost of just over £500 for all 5 years).

We're now in a position when the storage is up for renewal and I'm finding it hard to make a decision. The costs for storage have sky rocketed. Five years ago it was £500 for 5 years, it's now £360 per year - although they do give you the option of paying DD 😏

We don't want anymore children - if I was 10 years younger it would be different but we have 2 amazing girls and I'm happy.

DH wants to either dispose of or donate to research the embryo's left. I'm really struggling with this. I keep thinking what if something happens

There is context to my anxiety, my Nephew died at 12 months old some years ago to SIDS, I think it is the trauma surrounding this that is making me want to keep hold of them even though we have no intention of using them.

Soooooo

IABU - it's time to let them go

YANBU - Keep them for another couple of year (and probably have the exact same conversation in 2 years time)

We had this dilemma last year (also have a five year old and am a similar age). I definitely don't want another child and think, on reflection, that if I did, I wouldn't want to use embryos that are older than my son (which I accept is not logical at all!).

DH also wanted to dispose of them. I wanted to donate but ultimately his wish was stronger than mine and we decided to destroy them. It felt like a really hard decision at the time but I have to say that until I saw your post, I'd pretty forgotten about it a year on. No regrets at all.

It probably is time to let them go, but for your own peace of mind I would suggest keeping them for another year at least if you can easily afford it. It's a difficult and emotional decision to make. I hope you are having counselling for your feelings and anxiety and I also hope you decide to donate when the time is right.

We had the same decision to make a few months ago. We decided to dispose.

Im nearly 43, definitely no plans for more children as my health has deteriorated much over the years since ds2 was born and don't think my body could do it. Storage was £350 per year (and we already paid for 4 years).

Yes it was sad, I did drop a few tears after signing the form. But ultimately no regrets and I only remember when seeing things like this.

We donated ours as soon as DS2 was born and we knew that we didn't want any more babies. It feels weird, but as a PP said, you don't think about it afterwards - and they will be used to train embryologists, so you're contributing to helping other families have babies in the future.

You are 44, feel your family is complete and due to age are unlikely to have a successful IVF pregnancy.

It is time to let them go and leave the hideous fertility treatment time of your life behind.

oh my god you are absolutely right. A million percent I couldn't do the IVF again, it nearly broke me 😔

I voted Yabu but I feel that’s harsh .

i think you know you aren’t going to use these embryos . But it’s taking away the choice.

Think what you could do with a bonus £360 a year .

i think it’s time to let go .

if you destroy or donate is very personal but if one doesn’t want to donate that decision is the way it goes

I would definitely donate to research but I wouldn't be able to donate in any other way. I take my hat off to people that can/do this but it's not for me.

I’m in a similar position, except I only have one child and would have liked two. But I’m 42 and can’t really afford a second.

My fertility clinic was the LWC and their embryo storage fees are the same. I think their price-gouging (not just for embryo storage) is appalling.

Anyway, I don’t really have any advice, but you’re not the only one who’s finding it hard to let go, partly because of the “what ifs?” Also, as I responded poorly to the drugs, I never expected I would end up with embryos to freeze.

I know how you feel OP. I have 3 blastocysts sitting in the freezer. I've been ignoring storage invoices for years (I was quite traumatised by some things that happened at the clinic and really wasn't able to deal for a few years) but it is probably time I bit the bullet and had them destroyed. I am 48 so they aren't getting used.

If you’re not 100% sure it’s only a pound a day, talk it through with a counsellor and hopefully come to a definitive decision by the time of renewal fees next year.

I'm currently in this situation too, we have two wonderful DDs having had 9 transfers in total and we still have 3 embryos frozen, we've just had the form through to decide if we want to store them for another year and I'm finding it very hard to know what to do.

We're so happy with our little family and I'm 99% sure we're done, for many reasons - age / finances / space / knowing the reality of parenting little kids (!), not to mention the hell that is fertility treatment. But we wanted those little embryos so badly and we put so much into creating them that I get quite upset at the thought of donating / discarding them. Both my DDs were from frozen embryos, my youngest was from the same 'batch' that these came from and it's really hard not to see them as potential children. I keep thinking that if one of our earlier transfers had worked she would still be in the freezer and I would never have known her. It's a really odd dilemma that I'm feeling far more conflicted about than I expected! It's so final too. DH is keen to just pay for another year but I feel like that's just delaying the inevitable decision and spending money we don't really have to spare, and maybe we just need to do it and draw a line under it all.

I'm having a counselling session through my clinic in a few weeks which I hope will help me feel better about letting them go. It's good to read about others' experiences on this thread saying they don't think too much about it now as it feels huge right now.

I'll be forever grateful for our girls, there's no way we would have got pregnant without our clinic, but the costs were (and I can't begin to imagine what they are now) absolutely horrific.

I remember on our final round, before we started there was a new consultant at the clinic. He tried to sell us all these new tests etc, my DH just looked at him and said there is no more money. So he said well what we'll do is we'll assume these tests came back positive and we'll go ahead with the treatment. I was then given blood thinning injections every day. I had to inject myself every single day up until 2 days before having the girls. I'm convinced that this is what made the difference.

If its not too upsetting for me toask, and please feel free to ignore if so. What does donating to science mean. What would they do with them for research? That would, I think effect my decision.

part of it would be to train embryologist, but also they could dissect the embryo's to look for any genetic anomalies which might be helpful for treatment going forward.

We're expecting our third any day now and decided beforehand that's where we'd stick so we have a couple of embryos left. I want to donate and my wife is on the fence but has said that she's happy to go with what I want given the effort I've gone through to create them in the first place (I'm also a woman and have done all the fertility treatments, pregnancies and births as she's a carrier for an autoimmune condition).
I panicked for a bit about them being potential children we'd never know but then decided that they're actually just some frozen cells and keeping them would be pointless and a waste of money.

A lot of women I know went through a period of regret/grief in the years leading up to perimenopause and many thought about trying for that last baby (knowing that they actually wouldn't and didn't). Then time passes and they and their bodies move on. It must be incredibly difficult if you actually have to make that decision yourselves and do something about it. Especially as they are physical and potential beings with all the effort bringing them into existence. My heart goes out to you OP and others here in similar/same situation.

I think if you know you don't want more kids then you shouldn't keep them as a back-up. If the worst were to happen (God forbid!) then I personally wouldn't then use another embryo to create another child. Donating would be amazing, if you're both comfortable with it.

I would donate them personally. What an amazing thing to do for someone else. I’m having private fertility treatment and knowing what I know now, I would have loved to have donated eggs if I was a tiny bit younger.

I chose to destroy the embryos and I don't regret it OP. I just felt so lucky to have a healthy child, at the age I was, and felt it was too risky to try again. I would have felt very guilty if I had a second baby who was suffering, for some reason,knowing the risks, again given my age.DP agreed and seems fine since then.

If you’re not ready to let them go then keep them for another year and then maybe each year reevaluate.

If in doubt pay the storage fee.

We have one frozen. We have two children and we're done but an unexpected natural pregnancy (ended in MC) made us change our minds. Currently saving but clinic has raised the costs which is annoying. I am not sure we would proceeding if we had more than one but we want to give it a chance.