to be a bleeding heart?

[Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong]

I am wondering if anyone else has this issue - I can get really overly sympathetic to different situations and frustrated by my inability to help, this can be draining and upsetting but I don't know how to switch it off. Sometimes its logical, for example I no longer read about or look at footage about Gaza as its too awful. Sometimes it sounds illogical, like I see a traffic jam in the opposite direction and I start to worry that someone might miss a flight or medical appointment etc. Or I see a child's teddy on the ground and keep thinking about the mother's panic. It also comes in the form of guilt. I am fairly financially secure right now but feel really bad for some friends and colleagues who are struggling. I also feel guilty when I see my kids enjoying an activity because I think of others who cannot afford this. Again, this guilt can be illogical too - I could drive past some people getting wet at a bus stop and feel like I'm lucky to be in my dry car but then feel like I'm a shitty person for the rest of the morning. Then sometimes I feel guilty for feeling guilty! I should be happy with my situation instead of trying to turn it into a negative.

I think it might be some sort of displaced anxiety. It's not that I have a lot of time on my hands, its the opposite really as I have 3 kids and very little me time. I have stresses in my life that I find hard enough to deal with, I shouldn't be wasting energy on strangers or hypothetical hardships. I should add, I have always been a bit like this so I don't have anything to atone for that might explain the guilt.

I saw a thread recently about someone trying to gift a large sum of money and so many posters telling her to keep it, I was genuinely taken aback at how people don't feel guilty about being selfish, so why do I? DH works with some very wealthy people all who have second or third homes and I constantly think, how on earth can they enjoy that without feeling guilty all the time? So I know its not something everyone experiences.

The catalyst for this post today is a homeless man I met the other day, I bought him a sandwich but when I came back out of the supermarket someone else had given him one, I said 'oh you didn't need it after all' and he said what he really needed was enough cash for a hostel that night. I said I had no cash on me and left, but I could have gone a few minutes out of my way to withdraw cash nearby, instead I went home. That night it was raining and I sat down exhausted with my cup of tea and felt like the most horrible selfish person because I didn't do something that would have been so easy for me that would have made all the difference to someone less fortunate.

Anyone else feel like this and have advice on what I could do to make it stop. I am afraid I sound like a crazy person!

I struggle with this too. I genuinely don't understand how people can have millions and not just use it for good.

I've set up some direct debits to charities that deal with stuff I feel really strongly about.

I also volunteer for a couple of things that I care about and which suit my skillset.

Having done those things, I then just have to be really strict with myself about not letting the guilt overwhelm me, and remind myself that I am doing what I can.

have always been a bit like this

What was your mum/dad/grandparents like? Were you (as I was) told to eat everything on your plate because of the starving children in Africa? Or to be thankful for the things we generally take for granted?

I'm not saying empathy is a bad thing but - like most things in life - if it goes to the extreme end of the spectrum it can impact negatively on your life. Figuring out why you feel this way is the first step to dialling it down to a more realistic level.

All the homeless charities tell people not to give money to the homeless, because it is usually spent on drink or drugs. So you can absolve yourself of this.

Night shelters are usually free. Hostels are longer term, and the staff will help residents to apply for Housing Benefit to cover the cost.

@Cheshireflamingo yes I think I would feel better if I could do some work for charity but I have absolutely no free time at the moment. DH and I try to give a lump sum at the end of the year, whatever we can afford but its still not much really. I mean we are considering what we can afford after gym memberships and a 2 week holiday abroad. Its not exactly leveling the field is it! But at least we try, its better than nothing. I'm glad you are of the same mindset. Most people I know are not.

Empathy is an excellent quality. However, this is extreme to the extent that you might benefit from professional support.

Sometimes it sounds illogical, like I see a traffic jam in the opposite direction and I start to worry that someone might miss a flight or medical appointment etc.

@Eyesopenwideawake I've been contemplating this a bit. I definitely have food issues and I partly blame those poor starving children in Africa! I was praised for clearing my plate and asking for seconds, I have a weight problem now and this is no doubt stemming from that time, if I don't feel like I'm ready to burst then i think I'm still hungry.

My family were middle class and very good to me but upwardly mobile and snobbish. On one hand they helped out with local charities but at the same time I was not allowed talk to children who were from council estates. There were many people in my town who hated us for it as they weren't exactly subtle and I realised somewhere along the way this sense of embarrassment led to me to a life time of people pleasing because I desperately wanted people to believe I am 'nice'.

This issue is different though, I'm not trying to be popular I just want to be able to enjoy the good things that I have and appreciate them without feeling shit about it.

Same, but only certain things push my buttons, eg. Children/babies generally on the news being starved by parents or beaten, I have to switch over as it gives me nightmares and I feel angry.

I try and save baby birds or animals that I find, I have seen ppl take pics of the situation laughing but don’t help etc but I go in hands on.

I do try and help someone that is vulnerable and has had genuine bad luck as opposed to choices. I have had ppl work for me and I have financially supported them out of my own pocket for big extras like buying a computer for their child or buying air fares to see sick relatives abroad.

For other things, I am the exact opposite, no empathy. Some of the MN posts I find annoying, ppl want strangers who are tax payers to help for things they and their family should sort out for themselves.

I've been reading 'Against Empathy' by Paul Bloom and whilst Empathy can be a useful quality, he argues that it doesn't serve us well in dealing with big problems as we over-focus on individuals that are most like us whilst ignoring whole groups who are suffering in far greater ways who are not like us.

We need to be rational and critical thinkers, rather than relying on empathy to guide our decisions, particularly around money.

I can totally relate to this. I’m currently training myself not to do this. I had a big life event recently and realised just how few people in my life stepped up and supported me in the way I would and have for them. It’s been utterly devastating. But the positive to come out of it is that I’m now fiercely protecting my own well being. If I don’t feel like doing something I don’t. Once my work and parent duties are done that’s it. I only help, look after, support if I’m feeling really well resourced. No more running myself into the ground. I tell you, OP, it’s bloody amazing!! Highly recommend.

Congratulations OP I think you got all of my feels. I totally don't relate but I can see that it would be exhausting to have your brain space taken up with other people's concerns all the time. I don't know how you harden your heart tbh, as I think mine was formed in stone.

This may sound counterintuitive… but you sound like you might need to work on your self esteem as a whole. You are looking for validation from outside sources that you care so you must be a good person. This has caused you to overdevelop your empathy. It also is is probably causing a spiral effect since you are getting emotionally caught up in things that you can’t do anything about which then lowers your self esteem even more. And let’s be honest it’s a convenient reason to flog yourself and tell yourself you don’t deserve to be happy when X is happening.

Everyone can get sucked into a situation, story, event, or experience and have it weigh on their mind for a bit. But the difference it seems is that you do this more and longer than most (which you realize). For me I’d see a teddy on the street and think ‘aww..someone’s going to be sad’ and then it’s gone from head. Or I may tell my DH about something that happened that day… we’ll agree it’s bad luck/a rotten situation/or whatever and then move on the discussion to another topic.

To a certain extent you need remind yourself that at any given time in the world bad things are happening and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it no matter how much you care. And even the surface things that you can do really won’t make an appreciable difference.

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong

Have a look at this article on core beliefs. Without wishing to come across all therapistic (I just made that word up!) you need to tackle the root of the thought patterns you adopted as a child.

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

@Womblingmerrily thanks for the recommendation. If people are writing books about it then it's not just me, it's a 'thing' so even that fact is comforting.

@saltinesandcoffeecups thanks for your insight, it's been really helpful and makes sense to me.