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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my family should visit me and my 3 day old daughter?!

20 replies

dillinger · 02/04/2008 13:27

I live 250 miles away from my family, and had my baby girl on sunday.

Now my parents never visit me, my dad and brother have been to mine once in the 6 years Ive left home, my mum and sister have stayed on 3 occasions I think but my dp and I have either paid for their travel, or driven down, picked them up and then taken them home and driven ourselves home (hope that makes sense!)

When I had my son we went to see them as I knew they wouldnt come to us, my dad was in the pub for ages and I wished I hadnt gone, in fact I always regret going to see them but if I didnt then I never would. We've had arguements about it, tried talking, writing letters etc. My mums excuse is that she never has the money to visit, and my dads was that he doesnt like the drive, now its cos they dont have a car but my brother does, but they still dont want to come up. We dont have a lot of money either but always thought it was important to make the effort, its just not returned. They could save up but I guess they choose not to.

So I dont see them as much as Id like but to be honest Im getting pretty fed up with being the one doing all the running. I dont think its fair but I dont want to sound ungrateful or whatever. I just thought theyd be keen to see their first grandaughter, and it hurts a bit that theres no effort. Ive only spoken to them cos I phoned them, we havent even recieved a card!

I dont expect my grandad to drive up to us, and as I miss him so much hes always the reason I go down even though I feel a bit of a doormat where my parents are concerned.

So am I being unreasonable? What would you do? Was going to visit them on sat for the day but Im not sure I can be bothered seeing as they cant.

OP posts:

littleboo · 02/04/2008 13:32

I don't think you are being unreasonable dill, not having just given birth . I've been married now for 12 years and my parents have never visited us except for coming up for our wedding ( about the same distances as you).
I know now that they never will, which is sad.
Sounds like you've done all the running so far, its really unfair.

Original poster

dillinger · 02/04/2008 13:36

Yes I think Im getting used to the fact that things probably arent going to change, which is a big shame.

Thanks for your reply.

OP posts:

maisemor · 02/04/2008 13:36

yanbu, but you can't force them. Remember it is their loss.

SenoraPostrophe · 02/04/2008 13:38

not having a car is a really good excuse though! I know you say your brother could take them, but has he offered to do that? are they the sort to put upon someone for a favour like that? (and a 500 mile round trip drive is a big favour).

also I presume you moved to a town 250 miles away and not the other way round? my mum didn't come to see me when I lived 250 miles away either. It's a long way.

I can see where you're coming from, but I do think you're being a teensy bit unreasonable. I wouldn't go for a day with a tiny baby though. why don't you leave it a couple of weeks and then maybe stay somewhere for the night?

Squirdle · 02/04/2008 13:38

First of all congratulations!!

My parents are very similar. We always end up going to them, never the other way around and then they complain that they haven't seen the children. I now say that they know where we live and if they want to visit they know they are always welcome (not that they do)

When our 2 youngest were born we lived in London. My mum was actually there when DS2 was born as she was looking after DS1 (we had to pay the train ticket and make sure she got on the train etc) but when DS3 was born they didn't see him until he was 3 weeks old as we decided we weren't going to travel with a just 2 yr old and a newborn and it would have been far easier for them to come to us. We now live an hour and a half closer, but nothing has changed.

I suppose what I am trying to say is, that you need to just enjoy your baby and if people want to see her then make it clear they are welcome to come to you, ut you won't be travelling yet. Surely you don't want to be travelling a round trip of 500 miles when your baby is so very young!! Sounds like a nightmare to me!

Your parents sound just like mine and it has taken me a long time to decide that I won't arrange their lives for them, they are adults who can do that themselves.

Take care and enjoy that lovely little bundle of yours

Original poster

dillinger · 02/04/2008 13:39

I know its up to them, just a bit difficult to get my head round really iyswim! Theyre definately the ones missing out arent they. Other set of grandparents are wonderful, its one extreme to the next!

Nevermind hey.

OP posts:

Bluebutterfly · 02/04/2008 13:42

It is very sad dill - I have some different problems with my family, but understand the "never" changing element only to well. I think that you should spend the time focussing on YOUR family, your dh, your ds and your new baby. If your family have no intention of coming to you, then you should just state that they will have to wait to meet their granddaughter until you feel you have had time to recover from labour.

Honestly - they can't change, but YOU can change your behaviour in relation to them.

It is too bad about your Grand-dad, but perhaps you should mention to your parents that you feel it is a shame he can't visit and that you are simply too tired to make the trip. Afterall, you have an actual real baby to look after - why should you pander to other adults who are behaving like spoiled children?

Congratulations - if you were my child I would be there in a second - that is what you deserve.

meemar · 02/04/2008 13:42

dillinger - congratulations on your DD

It's very sad, but it sounds like they've got used to you doing the running so now they can't see why they should make the effort.

Don't put yourself out this weekend, you should enjoy your time with your DH and children. When they can be bothered to make the effort then accept them graciously, but tbh it sounds like you've done enough.

dmo · 02/04/2008 13:42

my parents live 10 mins drive away both retaired so have loads of time and in the 13yrs dh and i have been together they have visited our house 5-6 times i only see them if i go
on mothers day i was really ill so didnt bob down or phone and i thought maybe my step mum would phone but no i nipped up on sunday (4wks later) and nobody said anything

what is really funny is ds1 on a tuesday finishes school at 2.30 so has decided he would walk to his granparents on a tueday (bout 5mins walk from schoool) to see them and they drop him off but they dont get out of the car to see me or ds2 they just drop ds1 off outside

QuintessentialShadows · 02/04/2008 13:49

Why on earth would you put yourself and a few days old baby through a 500 mile round trip?

I am sorry your family seems not to care. You cant change that. Focus on your own family, and go see your parents and grandad in a few weeks/month.

There is no reason why your parents shouldnt put themselves on the train to see their granddaughter if they wanted to.

My MIL sat 48 hours on the coach to see her two grandsons. My sister flew in from the Canary Islands. You shouldnt have to do the running.

Time to set a new rule. You dont run after them, they are welcome to come to you anytime they want, and you can go to them WHEN IT IS CONVENIENT FOR YOU.

Congratulations and good luck!

Notyummy · 02/04/2008 13:55

YANBU. You should be posting here about how to keep over-eager family out of the house..its really sad that it is the other way round!

Since I was 17 I have always lived at least 4 hours travelling time from my parents, but they have come to see me. It used to be me who travelled more, but since we have had dd, they come up at least every couple of months. DH's Mum is the same. His Dad is useless, and can't remember dd's name. He has seen her twice, and both times we travelled to him. Dh has said that we are not doing it any more until his father makes an effort. He is wealthy, in reasonable heath, and retired. He has time to swan off on very expensive holiays, but not to come and see his granddaughter...his wife is actually very good and tries to be a nice stepmum to DH, sends pressies for dd etc, its just the actual blood relative that couldnt give a flying f**k.

Don't waste your emotional energy on them.

AbbeyA · 02/04/2008 13:56

I wouldn't go and visit them! Tell them they are always welcome to visit you and let them get on with it. A lot of people would be quite pleased-I am called unreasonable on another thread because as a future MIL I would like to see a future grandchild when 3 days old! (only hypothetical ones!). It is surprising how many people don't want any visitors.

AbbeyA · 02/04/2008 13:57

I forgot to say-congratulations-I should treasure your time with your lovely DD on your own.

ajandjjmum · 02/04/2008 14:00

My ds was 5 weeks old before PIL visited him (2.5 drive away). They didn't see dd until she was around the same age, and we took her to see them.

We get on pretty well, but I will never forget that - and I suspect dh won't either!

Congrats on your new arrival!

kingprawntikka · 02/04/2008 14:05

Congratulations on your daughter! a five hundred mile round trip with a new born, surely they can't believe thats fair to you. i'd just stay at home and if they want to see you they should be the ones making the trip not you .

casbie · 02/04/2008 14:05

you drove a round trip of 1,000 miles to bring them to your house? are you mad!

don't even think of making that journey with a new baby, just stay at home and put your feet up. it's difficult, but sometimes families just disintegrate because of apathy on one side, not just because they hate each other!

also, they always hire a car to the journey in, so not having a car isn't an excuse really, if they really wanted to come!

Ripeberry · 02/04/2008 14:11

Congratulations! 250 miles away is too far to be driving with a small baby even if you stay overnight.
Suppose your parents would moan about the cost of getting down to you, is there anyway you can all agree to meet half-way?
Meet at a hotel or inn or something.
At least then they get to see your new DC and have a hold and not be put off by the long journeys...just a thought.
AB

Original poster

dillinger · 02/04/2008 14:13

Thanks everyone, Im so used to it now that I feel mega guilty if I dont, which I need to stop doing. Youre right - theyre all adults.

I'll try and enjoy my own family for a few weeks.

Thanks

OP posts:

Ripeberry · 02/04/2008 14:14

Dillinger, the most important thing now is too think of your OWN familly.

Mum07 · 02/04/2008 14:19

The onus is on them to make the effort, car or not. That's what grand-parents do, they visit their grand-children and help out. They are missing out so much but, like everyone's said, their loss.

My DD has three sets of grand-parents and it's the ones that live the furthest away (about 200 miles) that make the most effort and have a great relationship with her. My Dad is about 2.5 hours away by train which was no problem when it came it to visiting me at University for getting drunk with my friends but he and his wife have cancelled coming to see us twice, she didn't even make the effort to come to DD's christening, and i no longer invite them, DD actually asked "who is grandad x" when i mentioned his name the other day! Sad but true.

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