To not be happy about this.

[Whatdoido28]

DS3 has 5050 contact with his dad. By his dad's insistence. I think it's an ownership thing "he's as much mine as yours" more than an avoiding CSA thing, not that I'd ever bother claiming, I don't need his money.

He doesn't have a bed there, despite it being a 2 bedroom house, one of the rooms is DSs room, and has/had a cot bed, I know this, I used to live there, I decorated and furnished the room. DS still has to sleep in bed with his dad because he cba to make it into the bed form or settle DS in his own room.

He buys DS no clothes. He has a very small amount of stuff he has managed to skim off me.

He still sits in a highchair despite there being a dining table there.

I feel like we can all agree this is shoddy parenting. But is it shoddy enough that a court would say he doesnt deserve 5050 becuase of it?

I feel like I'm letting DS down massively by letting him be there so much but challenging it would be a huge conflict and unless it resulted in me getting DS more, it would be detrimental to DS and I. It is not a no risk situation. Should I bide my time until parenting DS in that situation becomes too hard for him and he gives up or sorts himself out or should i take the risk and act.

Of course it's not enough, he's only 3.

A 3 year old isn't entitled to a bed and clothes?

It doesn't warrant challenging 50/50 because he isn't in his own bed there yet. Is he cared for? Is he loved? Is he clean? Is he fed? Is he happy?

Can I check if you've raised your concerns with ex? Could this be done in a non-confrontational way?

Not that you should have to, but if you don't feel you can discuss this with ex, could you raise it with a family member who could have a word?

I think it's important that 50/50 is retained, as it means that your ds gets equal access to both parents which is a good thing.

It does sound like your ex is a lazy arse, but is he perhaps a bit oblivious to what is required?

YANBU. I grew up in poverty and didn't have my own bed or room.

If he can afford a bed he should prioritise this.

I would refuse to send DS until he has a bed there.

Are the things you list part of a bigger picture of concerns?

Neither the bed or the highchair thing would bother me at age 3.

I have four kids, and the oldest two were still in highchairs at 3 years (albeit at the table with the tray removed) because I didn't know about junior chairs and they couldn't reach the table without being raised.

My eldest three kids moved from my bed to their own rooms at 3.5 years. My 4 year old is still in my room, and my 9 year old sleeps in my room 99% of the time too (though does have his own room!).

Is your child happy there? Is the house clean and safe and does it feel like [one of] your child's home? These much bigger things are far more important than the details of how the loving home is run in terms of dining seats and sleeping arrangements.

There are no MAJOR concerns for safety, that's why it's so hard. It's an overall substandard level of care. Cleanish, I have battles over hair combing and teeth brushing, house is cleanish, not hoarder level, but smellyish, DS recently started complaining beucase I make him sleep on clean bedsheets instead of the bare mattress. There have been many "daddy said" where its either not a nice thing to say in general, women are rubbish drivers, bitching about me, not nice things to say to a child "I'm hard work".
Not a good parent, no. Would it warrant social services involvement if he was the only parents? I don't think so. But is that really the line? Social services wouldn't remove him so I have to let him?

@Whatdoido28 - I agree with you on a personal level. On a professional level it’s nowhere near grounds for removal or reducing contact.

I do think this is one of the problems when LTB is pushed on here - I don’t mean you, but generally I do think people mimimise how hard it is for a mother to just accept shit parenting 50% of the time.

I have raised many a concern. Every single thing I raise starts with an argument before we even get to the argument about the thing. He has to do the whole "you're attacking me" thing. Then we can argue about the dangerous/neglectful issue I have. Then he can threaten and whatever else. Then he'll say he's sorted it. And then months down the line it turns out he didn't and I have to do it all again.

Mine was one of those situations when men become abusive after a baby is introduced. So I had no choice unfortunately. I had hoped, since he paid so little attention to DS while we lived together that he'd get bored and move on and let me raise DS right. But no. He enjoys the little control he still has too much.

So your ex dh is sleeping on a bare mattress (since you say ds shares a bed with him)? That's weird.
I think just jumping to not sending ds there smacks a bit of bitter rancour. If 50/50 is to work then it takes both parents being capable of raising issues such as 'ds mentioned the cot hasn't been converted into his bed yet - I think the instructions are online if you've lost them' and 'ds's big thing this week is sitting up at the table like a big boy'. There are going to be many instances when you both need to point out to the other that ds has met a milestone, changed his mind, developed a new independence skill, decided he no longer likes eating broccoli- you need to develop ways of communicating that don't involve jumping to level X immediately.

I’m not questioning your decisions, @Whatdoido28 , please don’t think that. It was more of a general point than aimed specifically at you. I really hope things improve soon.

Well he never did a load of washing for the 10 years we were together. He would kick off over being asked to put his own dirty clothes in the washing basket. Him not washing bedding or making the bed is not in the least bit surprising. I don't care how he lives. I care that DS is living like that too.

I agree. We should be able to raise these things. I can't. He either ignores blatantly what DS needs or kicks off. I have told him time and time again he needs to provide DS with clothes at his house. He still comes to my door complaining that he doesn't have any clothes for DS and no amount of "you need to buy some then" changes anything . I sent him links to second hand cheap beds, I offered to go round and set the cot bed up for him. I tell him DS clothing and shoe size. I tell him when his car seat needs upgrading. He will not do ANYTHING for the benefit of his child. How do you coparent with someone like that?

Was the contact court ordered?

If yes, you have to go back via court to vary it.

If no, you can vary contact unilaterally and let him take you to court.

You need legal advice.

I'm not saying you're wrong OP, but I don't think this would be anywhere near bad enough for a court to remove the 50/50 arrangement.

@Whatdoido28 was your ex brought up in a tip? did he not bother about personal hygeine when you met him?? whatever attracted you to him in the first place and why has he started neglecting the cleanliness where his child is involved?

I replied earlier to say I didn't see too much of a problem with the high chair and the sleeping situation.

You have since added a whole load of more worrying things, particularly about lack of clothes and bedding and car seats, which is absolutely a problem.

Could you speak to your Health Visitor? They may have some ideas or be able to visit your ex and offer advice and information? He might take more notice if the advice comes from a professional rather than you?

Realistically, I don’t think a court will take away the 50/50 contact as it’s already in place and he’s not in danger. I don’t think the high chair would bother me, if it was still comfortable for him, and if he’s comfortable and safe either in his dad’s bed, or in his cot, I’d probably be ok with that too. I’d draw the line if there was a safety issue, like a car seat being too small.

I think that if you want the situation to change, you need to start playing him at his own game. Stop asking him to buy beds, appropriate seats etc. He is never going to do it because he knows it annoys you. Instead, focus on telling your DS what a big boy he looks, in his big boy bed and his big boy sheets. If you can afford it, let him choose his own bedding. He’ll find it much less fun dealing with a three year old who doesn’t want to be treated like a baby anymore, than it is ignoring you and your concerns.

If he knocks at your door telling you he has no clothes for him, you say ‘ah, that’s a shame. Asda has got a good sale on at the moment. He’s in 3-4 years. Let me know if you find any good bargains.’ If he complains a second time, ask him what he’s telling you for and tell him that he’d better sort it out before his neighbours report him to Social Services.

He’s currently getting a great deal of enjoyment knowing that his refusal to provide for your DS is really frustrating for you. Well he wanted 50/50, so all the time your son is not in any danger, he’s got it. Currently, you’re picking up his slack so any work he does do is far outweighed by that little bit of control he has over you. Stop picking up that slack for him and let him be the parent he is clearly so desperate to be.

And encourage your DS to think rationally about what his dad is saying, obviously in an age appropriate way. If he’s coming out with things like ‘daddy thinks women are rubbish drivers’ talk to him about a woman he respects, like a nursery teacher, aunt etc, and what a good driver they are. Tell him that it can’t be right that all women are bad drivers, and maybe it’s just some women and some men. Or laugh and say ‘daddy does say some funny things sometimes. He’s only joking’. Is there a male relative on your side who he respects? Someone who could casually drop into conversation mention of women who have achieved massive things, like flying or sailing or driving round the world. Someone to show him that it’s ok to show respect for women.

ETA - if you’re concerned that there is a safety issue, like a car seat, I’d only offer supervised contact at the weekend until I saw a properly fitted car seat with a receipt. If he doesn’t like it, tell him to phone the police.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld no but he was raised by a mum that did everything household, childcare etc and worked. His dad's contribution was a small amount of his wages and he was waited on. He always said he thought this was unacceptable but he still acted as though every tiny thing he did or was asked for was above and beyond what he should be doing. He was all talk, he peddled this fantasy of what our life would be but he never had the gumption to actually do anything.

@HappyAsASandboy I think the highchair is a symbol of how he won't think about our child's needs and change what he does for the benefit of our child. The highchair is what I left behind, what we used when he was a baby. As DS got older I moved him to a boosted seat at the table and now he just sits with us as normal. Becuase I'm constantly adapting and trying to give DS the best I can, becuase im thinking about his needs. Whereas his dad isn't thinking about his needs.

@Nagado I do honestly pretty much exactly what you say. I'm very careful to do it without him feeling like I'm attacking his dad, I want him to be able to talk to me and not feel like he's going to get his dad in trouble. The 5050 isn't a longstanding thing. Contact schedule has been changing over time to give dad more time, building up from single nights, we've been in this schedule 6 months ish. And DS is only young so I feel like the longer I leave it the worse it is. Its better to change it now while he's young and it isn't "all he's ever known".

I fear I may just have to take the jump. Enforce what I think is best and let him get his tantrum out the way, however big it is. Realisticly, he's the one that wouldn't be able to afford court. I don't have alot but there are people in DSs life who love him and would protect him and would help us.

Very poor advice