To ask how do you cope with being put on by a man like this?

[Jumipppe]

We are not together. He will not change. I can’t just ‘leave him to it’ or ignore things as I have to think of our daughter. He has never once paid a nursery bill (as in sorted the finance, he does pay cms), never once dropped her to or picked up from nursery. Never looked round nurseries for that matter. Doesn’t know what size she is when I say she needs new shoes or coat. Doesn’t look up where to get shoes or coat. When she was 1 he bought her a scarf for one of her birthday gifts which obviously couldn’t be used. I plan all meals, sort all food for her and nutrition. I check when she needs anything new and research where to get it from.

I have to chase any organisation. Have to constantly follow up with him on things. It’s so shit.

I’ve had so many rows about this and the response is ‘you live with her and I work full time.’ I actually offered straight off to do 50/50 and he said no. I also work full time. He will not change, but how do I cope with this mentally? I’ve never been an angry person but i feel so resentful. I hate feeling this way.

Anyone who says just don’t follow up etc, I can’t do that. It’s not fair on our child who would suffer.

I just never expected anything and cracked on raising my son my way, the way I wanted knowing his father had little to no opinion and decided to take that as a good thing versus an ex who was controlling?

You have to forgive yourself for making a bad decision. It happens, we all make mistakes. Appreciate the positives, don't beat yourself up about the negatives. Don't make the same mistake again. That's all you can do.

Sounds exactly like my ex.

The trick is to just write him off. As a parent, he is a worthless, selfish waste of space. Not worth the air he breathes. Accept it and move on.

My ex is the same except with addictions. I don’t rely on him for anything. I used to burn with anger and resentment, it just ate me up and he didn’t give AF. Radical acceptance. It’s the only way

As with the others. The children are completely my responsibility. It is easier that way. They have one set of rules and expectations to follow. That way there is no conflict or confusion for them. There dad is just someone they visit from time to time. You will make your peace with it once you can let go of your frustrations.

Sounds about standard. If she's living with you then of course you're going to plan her meals ? Seriously. Choosing new shoes and coat that's a lovely thing to do I would y want anyone else doing it. You sound quite bitter. Enjoy these things they are over so quickly.

I relish the fact I get to do exactly as I want and to raise her the way I see fit. It really won't impact your children that much he may step up if he has to do it alone without you there to bail him out, just text him everytime the children change size so at least they have access to clothes that fit. You will feel less resentful because you know your doing it alone.

@ontheflighttosingapore oh come on..bitter? Give over. My ex chastised me once for complaining that that I see the 'joy and privilege of parenting" as a chore and he doesn't. No, because he doesn't bloody do any. You make a child with someone expecting that to be a shared enterprise and it's not unreasonable to be pissed when the other half decides actually they can't be arsed but you can't just hand it back or stop the enterprise can you? Let's take it as a given that the op and most of us SPs adore and love our kids but that doesn't mean we can't resent the fuck out of the lazy selfish arseholes who left them. And they DO leave them, when they back off to this extent. Taking them to Mac Ds and the payk once a fortnight is not parenting.

You can't force him to be the father you want him to be. It sounds like the one suffering is you trying to make him something he is never going to be.

I don’t why British women expect 50-50 parenting. Look around you. Is 50-50 parenting the norm, even among the younger generation? No! So why expect it as standard? If you aspire to 50-50 parenting (not unreasonable), you have to pick a suitable man to father your children and set out your expectations to him early. Expecting men to fall into it naturally because that is what is ‘fair’ is asking for disappointment.

British women are very far from achieving equality but the sad thing is that you are very keen to offer equality of finances where that is possible, without demanding the same in childcare and care of the household. Women usually get frustrated with the situation eventually, but by then it is difficult to break the patterns that have been set.

I wouldn’t. He’s never going to change so the only thing you can do is change the way you react.
Personally, that would be cutting contact to the absolute bare minimum forced on me and getting on with raising my child myself.

You can't do anything so you need to mentally write him off and have zero expectations then you can never be disappointed

Anyone who says just don’t follow up etc, I can’t do that. It’s not fair on our child who would suffer.

The obvious answer is you parent your daughter as if he was dead. You decide everything but take any money he gives to pay for her things. You arguing with him, getting angry and resentful, will harm your child more (and you). Just accept he is useless and cut him out of the process.

Welcome to the shit baby dad club. Accept you fucked up choosing a feckless idiot as the father to your child and move on. There is nothing else you can do. I spent too long feeling resentful and it ate me up inside. Once I'd accepted it was all on me, I started to enjoy it. You can't change him, you can't force him. You just do your best and know that he will reap what he sows.

Lone parent here for 14 years.
Drop the rope and stop being worried about him engaging. Once you accept this is all on you, it's stops stressing you out.

Do I still feel anger occasionally? Yes. But I know nothing will change so I quickly move on.

You sound strong and capable, you will be fine xx

Legally, the only financial help he owes you is CMS so he doesn’t owe a contribution to nursery and new clothes unless he has 50/50 in which case he owes half.
Does he really not know where shoes and coats can be bought? Clothes shops are hardly well disguised buildings - I would have thought that 100% of adults had heard of Primark or Next.
I am a single parent and don’t always know my children’s shoe sizes. I used to check their shoes before going out to buy the next size up 🤷‍♀️
Yanbu to be pissed off that he’s doing so little of the work when you probably planned your dd together but accepting he’s shit and restricting info that he doesn’t need to know is the best way to minimize head space. Does he need yo know much? The only time that my useless ex had to know something was the time that I last gave Calpol. He didn’t care or ask any questions if the kids turned up with glasses. He only contacted me when the kids were in his care when he had to take them to A&E. When I did the same he never replied, offered to look after our other kids or asked any questions.
This is a low bar to set but it’s better that he doesn’t care than be one of those exes who criticize any decision that you make. You’ll be able to make big decisions like her primary school on your own rather than have him demand that you use his address when he’s a very part-time parent. My kids are much older and aware of their dad’s shortcomings so have no expectations of him anymore. It works for them and protects their feelings because they don’t set themselves up for disappointment.

You sadly have the common manchild. I have an ex like this - only stayed in DC's life for a very brief time before remarrying and never seeing them. He did the usual drop in earnings then paid less than £10pw in maintenance.

Really you need to see yourself as a single mum. Don't rely on him, don't expect anything you really need his help with (friends ex managed to "forget" his weekend on her birthday weekend so she missed flights for a weekend away with 10 friends - charmer). These type of men do anything they can to make your life hard and miserable; it's never about the child, it's about point scoring against you. How dare you leave them!

It's actually very rewarding being a single mum - very hard too and you appreciate anyone who is kind and actually helps you much more than you would, I think. Try to find other mums in similar positions, there are far more women being treated like this than you'd think. Having a group of single mums can really help with the emotional load and as a support network.

Expect nothing from him and you won’t be disappointed. I took this approach with my ex in the end and it has worked out well. I made the decisions about our son although we did/do discuss things and he has always been kept informed. When I do need something and he helps out it is a bonus. There is much to be said for being amicable. You can’t make anyone step up and do 50/50 although that is the last thing I wanted. I did initially expect him to want EOW and a night inbetween but we have never done regular overnights. In fact I can count on my fingers the number of nights DS has stayed at his dads in the 6 years we have been separated. This is my son’s home and he hasn’t wanted to stay over so I didn’t push. Ex has suggested it occasionally but has also never pushed. A bit different maybe as DS was 11 when we split and we both wanted to make it is easy as possible for him. I also work full time and granted at times there hasn’t been much time for other things but being a single parent is so rewarding and I have a great relationship with my boy.

Your child's better off being raised entirely by you than she would be being forced on a man who clearly doesn't care about her in the slightest.

It’s simply not fair and you have to learn to accept that.

He is biologically an equal parent to his child but is no more involved than a babysitter.

This is the way it is for many single parents and it’s just not fair but there’s literally nothing you can do about it.

Just wait until he starts implying he’s such a great dad because he sees his kids a couple of times a week.

I’ve lost count of how many men I’ve spoken to on dating sites who claim to be single parents or involved dads and they’re barely involved at all.

You cannot force someone to be a good parent and getting frustrated or upset about it isn’t going to help you.

I don't think it's fair to blame the op for "fucking up and choosing a feckless dad". Whilst it may be true, plenty of us are SPs because our previously lovely, committed, involved partners who jointly planned the child got bored after a few months / years. You simply cannot predict what parenthood will do to someone. The difference is that in most cases, it's the man that thinks just pissing off is an option. Women fairly rarely do.

I think in our friendship circle we are generally quite close to 50:50. In fact, some of the men do more in terms of childcare. But as you say, it starts early. Lots of the men also shared in the parental leave, so have had periods of being the primary carer since the baby was under one.