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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu?

6 replies

relly1 · 01/05/2024 20:23

Bare with me I've changed my name as some people know me in real life on here-

I have a stepson nearly 12- I've had him from young with his dad recently he's been acting very very strange. He's normally a very good hood quiet and respectful and someone I trust alot to play out and be safe etc. recently since going to high school he was doing great then I'm getting calls 247 for his behaviour which is so crazy because he's really not that kind of kid, I know they can be influenced at a age but recently he's been going to bed at 6pm which is very unusual as he can never sleep normally , not going on his Xbox which again he was addicted too.. then he came in the other day from playing out his fingers stunk of cigarettes now as a step parent I can tell when he lies as he is very big on lying, he will lie about the finest thing that I assure him wouldn't of ever got him in trouble but he still will and he will take that to the grave with him. We asked why he smelled of cigarettes he did a nervous laugh face went dripping white and then looked like he was about to cry. Now my problem is he's starting to play off me and his dad, I don't like being too strict but there is boundaries I have other children in the house , I told his dad personally he wouldn't be going back out or have his phone till he can tell the truth the evidence is there he stunk of cigarettes what more do you want, I'm in hospital right now due to my waters trickling preterm labour and his sons took it upon himself to ask to play out and his dads let him as he knows if I'm not there his dad will let him do what he wants as he "can't prove it" I don't smoke anymore so I could smell that soon as he walked in never mind when I smelled his fingers. I just feel like the parenting is really working against me and Ive had enough I've brought him up no different than my youngest and never will treat him different but he really doesn't listen to me no more due to his dad giving him his way. I don't know what to do anymore am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
relly1 · 01/05/2024 20:44

Bump

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mossylog · 01/05/2024 20:47

Ultimately you and the dad need to get on the same page about how to handle this.

This kid will likely keep lying to avoid trouble. Maybe a different approach is to try to work on connection so he doesn't pull away entirely. You need to be able to get through to him the dangers of smoking but he won't hear that if he's expecting a telling off every time it's brought up.

relly1 · 01/05/2024 20:52

@mossylog I totally agree. The thing is I've spoke to his dad about this so much and he does it till I'm not there and then just lets him do what he wants, I do a lot of gentle parenting with him as of course I brought him up but I'm still not his birth mum I don't step over boundaries he doesn't see her and hasn't in 8 years but still I keep that respect for him, but it just seems like the older he gets he literally couldn't give a sh*T and I do everything I can for him , ready to give birth and start paying a school trip for him for £1000 now if this was my birth son doing this I promise he wouldn't be going because they lying is unreal and no matter how much you tell him to stop or just listen he just continues and doesn't care

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relly1 · 01/05/2024 20:59

@mossylog also, we've always told the kids lying will get you in more trouble than telling the truth we would actually respect that you told the truth , I've said to him he wasn't going to get told off he would get a very stern word of advice of dangers and stuff etc but like I said his school and primary school have all told me about his lying there too whilst been caught doing things and blatantly lying to there face so I know he's never going to say something so serious like this and we are not them kind of parents I'm very sensitive I always make sure all the kids know any time of feelings they have at all please talk to me which he normally does when he's feeling sad or anything so I just don't know anymore

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mossylog · 01/05/2024 23:28

It's a really difficult situation to be in. Habitual lying isn't really rational. He must know he's not being believed. When I've known people like this, it was usually about saving face, avoiding shame. Hopefully as he gets older, he'll grow out of it, but it sounds like you're doing as much as you can do in that step-parent role. Ultimately, it's up to dad to step up a bit with consistency.

relly1 · 02/05/2024 14:18

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