Does my coworker not like me or am I being too sensitive?

[hberry]

just started somewhere new recently and so far it's going good, most of my coworkers are lovely and the job is interesting. But there is one coworker. When I started I got told she would be showing me everything when she got back, I got told she loves mentoring people. As soon as she met me she hardly spoke and I picked up on a attitude, very flat, but I thought some people just have that personality. even though in some aspects she’s been helpful I was just basically left to my own devices, like she seemed to not want to show me anything and just get on with her own work and talk to other people, which surprised me due to what I was told. Now a key thing is that she's rather cheery and paly paly with everyone else there, and she's in a clique of 3 girls (40yo her, a 26 yo who's lovely, and a 21yo) they pretty much just chat together on our table and I’m very much out of the circle, even when I try to get involved. She discusses stuff about her life and so on, never looks at me or asks me anything in relation like I would with someone to include them, she just talks directly to them even when I've answered something. When I've started telling a story the lovely 25yo is the only one who looks and acknowledges me and answers. When I ask her something I very much just get one word answers and also I’d hate to butt in as it seems nosey and invasive as they’re not talking with me if you know what I mean. Today when I mentioned to her I worry about work and scheduling therapy (which I need to work through my dads death which happened when I was younger) she just totally dismissed me without a word, I then said "so how are people suppose to do it working full time" and she just quickly nodded and went back to listening in and participating with another coworkers conversation about work. I also must add she's COMPLETELY different with the guy coworkers. Not in a sexual motive way as she's married. But she is so overly friendly with them and teases them and has that banter. Polar opposite with me. I say good morning and she ignores me. I'd usually think it was something I'd done but I've got this vibe from day one and honestly can't think of anything I've done. Maybe I have but I really hope not and I'm always cheery. I hope it's just me and things get better! Which is why I'm getting advice. Thanks so much if you read this and respond I appreciate it.

Some people take a little time to warm up. My coworker was a little cold towards me when I first joined and now we are very close friends.

that being said, she could just be someone who enjoys cliches and making someone feel left out.

i think you need to consider if this is affecting your work, if so, it may need to be raised as an issue. If not, then I would just stay cool and professional

Honestly, it sounds like you really dislike her. You've criticised just about everything about her.

She's perhaps picking up on that.

If she’s not mentoring you/showing you the ropes effectively, raise it. Otherwise, it’s not important whether she likes you or not. You need to schedule therapy outside of work hours, or your lunch break, or work to make up lost time.

Me and someone I had to work with on my first 3 days in a new job had a massive fall out on the second day 🤣🤣
me having a big mouth and say it how it is, and he’s super sensitive, lol
I did say I wasn’t going to return on my third day and I’ll be telling everyone I know who worked there the reason why 🤣
On the third day I did return, went to see the manager and told her exactly what happened and dropped him and a couple of other people right in the 💩, because they spent most of my first 2 days outside smoking and also had over a hour away off site, leaving me stood around or going to a different department helping where I shouldn’t have been!
We get on now though

Hm I can see your point, and perhaps she's picking up on a vibe but to be honest I can't really see it reflecting on it. I've actively asked her questions about her life and what she thinks about things, I'm only responding to how I think she's behaved with me but I have nothing against her just the behaviour

Some people are just weird. Maybe you remind her of someone, maybe you are someone who is intimidating or very attractive and she doesn't know how to talk to you. Is there anyone you can confide in.
Ignore the PP above (Greywitch2) you have been objective.

You'll be working well into your 70's....

You will always encounter these types in life...

Not your problem. Theirs.

Time to set your boundaries.

Some people take ages to trust other people.
They will sit there and talk but only make eye contact with the 'safe' people they know. They literally look through you and ignore you.
Has happened to me loads of times when starting somewhere new or when I was doing temp agency work.

Anyone who has done temporary contracts will tell you the same, some people are nice but others resent 'new' people.

And like you say, she's fond of a man so she is.

And they get loved bombed and danced attention on, but women are not to be trusted easily.

Must admit I'm a bit like that when I meet people. It's not that I want to be rude, it just that I want to assess what our common ground is before I pile my personality on, so I am unusually quiet and listen more before I work out how much to unleash 😁

Could she maybe see you as threat either socially in the workplace especially if you are similar ages, looks wise if she is a flirt or could you be a threat to her role or could your paths have crossed previously?

I once started a new job and felt similar to you everyone was nice to my face and spoke but I was definitely excluded from some conversations and a couple of social events. It turned out my role was a new role very similar to two other people’s roles in the office and several people were worried about their jobs following the creation of my role and my appointment. Also one person was going through IVF and she was quite emotional about it (so she had lots of hushed conversations about it). I handled it by being nice, turning a blind eye to it, getting on with my job and trying to one day I was eventually accepted and they were all lovely.

Maybe she wanted a friend to have your job? Not an excuse to be frosty with you though, obvs.

Probably normal if you've just started working somewhere, I'd expect a few months at least before the dynamics are all sorted out. I would just ignore it, be cheerful, don't share too much - your colleagues are not your friends.

I had something similar years ago, colleague helping me, training etc was very curt. I tried, was friendly, asking about her wedding etc - nothing. When it got to the point that she & her cronies were chatting & I would approach for work to be signed off they would all stop talking & start again as I left.

Ended up thinking life is too short & left after 3 months.

Couple of months later I bumped into one of the nicer people from the company who told me she was pissed as I was on more money than her. This was completely out of my control & I’m not sure how she knew but there was nothing I could have done to change this. Maybe it’s something similar?

I started a new job once and the first few weeks were soul destroying. I was never invited up to lunch when everyone else went and was never included in any discussions about doing stuff outside of work or popping into town at lunch-time. I had a lot of very solitary lunches and began to wonder if I had made a horrible mistake taking the job.

Turns out that three of the people in the office had applied for the job I got. It would have been a promotion for them and they were very, very resentful that the post had gone to an external candidate with no previous experience of the role. Understandable.

It all settled down after a couple of weeks and we ended up becoming good friends and a well respected "team" at work.

Hang on in there OP - keep being yourself, don't rise to it and hopefully she/they will come to their senses and get over themselves.

I also wondered if she feels threatened by you, somehow...

It sounds like she either feels threatened or she's fed up having to mentor and train someone (unless that's her role)
I'm glad I don't work now, I couldnt be arsed with all that nonsense again. You sound lovely OP, if it's affecting your training and how you feel about staying in this job you will have to address it, either with her directly or with your manager.

When you say mentor you ‘when she gets back’ where was she getting back from? A period of sick leave or something ?
Just wonder if she assumes you know and haven’t mentioned anything or doesn’t want to have to explain it?
or was training you dumped on her whilst she was away?

Someone I know had similar and they killed it with kindness.

Agree. If she’s not training you this needs to be discussed higher up. how long is your probation?

Sounds like she feels threatened by you. Are you nearer her age than the 20-somethings? Hold a position of responsibility?

She enjoys mentoring the younger women because she holds a position of authority by virtue of age & experience. She gets on well with men through flirting, being likeable & fun.

She sounds like hard work and very immature. I’ve encountered people like this over the years.
I don’t think you should be wasting your energy wondering what you’ve done wrong or what the chip on her shoulder might be.
Shes a grown woman snd needs to treat everyone at work with respect. Not just the ones in her clique or the male members of staff,
Focus on your job. Don’t expect to have any sort of relationship beyond surface level at work. Spend time with your friends and family who care and treat you with respect. If you find like minded others at work in the future then it’s a bonus.
I woulld stop making conversation with her unless it’s work related.
There are similar characters at my workplace, I ignore them despite their initial efforts to recruit me to their little gang. This consisted of the group slagging other members of staff in front of me whilst issuing several invitations to our of work events. I declined and pointed out the inconsistencies in what a certain non clique member had apparently said and done. This behaviour continued for a few weeks until they realised I wasn’t ‘suitable’ for their gang. They tolerate me but are vicious to others constantly causing trouble for certain people with management.
I realised after a couple of years service that every staff. member who isn’t in the clique all feel the same and are quite isolated and uncomfortable. Over time quite a few clique members have retired or moved on. Their power is diminishing and I find it very amusing.
Sorry my point is that you won’t be the only one who has been treated like this.
I would put something informal in writing to her asking about all the things you need to learn that she hasn’t covered. Give it a reasonable period of time then if she’s still failed to help/mentor then I think it’s time to go higher up. You have proof in writing that you needed her ‘mentoring skills’ and that she is not only shit at her job but also trying to sabotage you and by default your employer.
Good luck OP - it won’t be personal. She’s a bitch always will have been and she won’t change.