Will I ever truly be satisfied

[happinessisagoal]

Hi

Aibu to ask you will I ever be truly satisfied and if this is a me problem or not.

Trying my best to keep this brief without missing anything.
I'm married with dc. In general I am happy with life and myself but I cannot pretend that there is not a feeling of something missing.
I'm not lying or delusional when I say all in all my husband is pretty perfect. He's kind, caring, gentle, a wonderful father, an equal partner and would do anything for our family. I'm the opposite in lots of ways. When we met he ticked all the boxes of what I needed then and probably now. I love him for who he is I truly love him I know that. I had been chaotic and in toxic relationships and was young and foolish. I lacked safety and stability and he was all of that, he was stable, kind, safe, mature and loving. He had his life together. There is a small age gap but it's not massive. I went in with my eyes open, I knew this is who he was and I knew he was quiet and happy to live a normal, quiet life. I don't want to change him or our family. I had a rubbish chaotic neglectful upbringing and promised myself I would never be like my mum or put my own dc through that. Yet here I am.

Two main things for me are that life is too comfortable. As a person I'm spontaneous, artistic, social and motivated. Dh is happy to now coast in life and quietly goes about his routine with no issues. He's a man a few words who has become even quieter over the years. He has no hobbies or friends and let all this go when our dc were born. He threw himself into family life and still does. This is fine but I have ended up being the driver in the family, the decision maker and the one who fights our corner, I long to see some passion in dh for me and for any wrong my family face. I long for deep connection and conversation and to feel desired and sexy and fun. I don't want to sit about waiting to die. I'm only young still and had dc very young. I want to live and flourish and strive for the best for me and dc, dh is very happy with the status and to live comfortably doing the same day in day out and saying little as he does.

The other issue is related. Dh does not show affection apart from when he wants sex. We don't connect and I feel emotionally abandoned day to day. We are in the thick of parenting young dc but we are roommates or lodgers until he wants sex then all of a sudden he physical and emotional affection starts, lasts a day then we are back to ships in the night. Sex is good but it's infrequent as I need emotional connection at the least to feel bothered about it. I'm left feeling used. I understand love language and mine is not particularly physical touch but I feel resentful that I get physical touch only under these circumstances.

I have spoken to dh about this more than once. He is genuinely remorseful and promises to address this. He says he is scared to lose me. But I honestly think he just doesn't see it or get it and so we fall back into the sane situation till I bring it up again.

Is this married life. Am I unrealistic. Am I the problem because I can't settle. Do I throw a grenade into my otherwise perfect family over this as that feels selfish. I can't see my living the rest of my life not feeling passion and spontaneity and sexy and desired but maybe I'm living in cloud coco land

I suppose the question is whether you spend the rest of your life feeling like you do, for two other people, or if you make the change for you. But be aware that change might not bring you the life that you crave.
And your DH won’t change, no matter how many times he says he will.

Thank you for replying.
I'm cautious because I don't want o make a decision I cannot take back that doesn't actually make me feel any better. I need to resign myself that this is how it is. I think I keep holding on to that eventually it would just suddenly become what I want/need but it won't. I don't know if I change myself to be satisfied with this but maybe I should try.

OP it sounds like your upbringing left you feeling restless and longing for stability that your lovely but boring and predictable husband provided, and the reality of that is now setting in.

Maybe things like chaos or insecurity (dressed up as adventure and spontaneity) are more familiar to you and therefore something you look for, more than the safe but mundane predictability that your husband is offering. It does sounds like you are ripe for an affair if this is not addressed, when someone comes along who offers you that excitement.

I don't know what the answer is, but if you don't want to upend your marriage, would you consider marriage counselling to explore both of your feelings or the fact that you are on different pages when it comes to emotional needs? Or find an outlet for that outside of the marriage - do something creative that fulfils you.

Fundamentally you and your husband are so different, and that can work if everyone's needs are met, but it seems that yours aren't. I also can't help thinking that this is something within you that may never be solved by someone else. Maybe individual counselling would help in that case.

I really sympathise with you. I think I am quite similar to you and my partner sounds similar to your DH so I can really identify with a lot of what you say.

My advice would be that it's easy to think that leaving your marriage would automatically lead to you being able to access those feelings of passion and desire but the reality is that dating is just an endless trawl through emotionally stunted, sexually inadequate men who will lie and manipulate to get what they want and rather than feeling sexy you will likely end up feeling used.

I say that from recent personal experience. I blew up my marriage and my life a few years ago and for me it was the right decision because there were more issues than the lack of intimacy that I needed to get away from. But there is no denying that the dating scene was awful.

I did meet my current partner and we have been lucky enough to strike a good balance. Thankfully he is willing to actively work on meeting me half way when it comes to finding that balance between the excitement and spontaneity I need and the stability he enjoys.

Would speaking to a marriage counselor be an option? I think given there are so many good qualities about your husband, it would be worth approaching this with him again and working together to find the solution that works for you both. My advice in those conversations would be for you to be conscious of where you are stifling yourself to protect his feelings/ego, and push that boundary a little. I have found that in the past I softened the blow too much at times to spare a mans feelings and the gravity of my feelings got lost. Your DH needs to understand how serious this is for you and how his inaction really could mean he loses you.

I could have written this word for word.

I am young too, and my DH is a phenomenal man who worships the ground me and DC walk on.

Please do not do what I did. I embarked on an affair with a totally unsuitable, "exciting" man. He had the body, the spontaneity and all the problems that come along with it.

I did not get caught. No one knows what happened, and I live totally destroyed by so many feelings. I miss how the OM made me feel, I miss the excitement - but I was not willing to destroy my children's lives over cheap thrills.

I have long since accepted that a boring, mundane life for my children and husband is where it's at. I am a magpie for chaos and drama, they set my soul on fire. I have to seriously limit my life, but it is the correct thing to do.

You married a family man so you could have a family, and now that you have this you need to be really not to throw that grenade and give your young DC the exact thing that you didn't want for them.

Thank you all for your replies. Definitely food for thought. I think counselling on my own first would probably be good then possibly together. You're right about that.

I need to work through the need for more or something else I suppose. I feel resentment at times because although he was always this way it has gotten worse over the years and I feel like without me we would never get anywhere in life or have any fun. I feel confident that I could buy him out the house as I'm the higher earner so I could ensure some stability remained for the dc. I definitely think we would do 50/50 but I'm not sure that is best for the dc so would probably become the resident parent as despite earning more my job is the most flexible and I always work round the dc now. He's been in the same role at work for years never having a pay rise or promotion. He likes it and it's steady. I could argue for an against all day and night. I need the therapy I think.

@suntannedsnowballsinhellskitchen im sorry to hear about how you feel following your affair. We all know it's not right but I understand it. If you felt the way I do then I get it. I think you can forgive yourself because you are human and you acted in a way to make yourself happy and that is a human instinct. We are built to make mistakes and that's ok.

@captivate I feel for you on the dating experience, I enjoyed dating at times when I was younger but it was often awful and men on the dating scene can be pigs. I can see it becoming tiresome very quickly. I'm still quite young but I think dating even at my age is going to be with men who have a host of issues. I'd be very happy with a no strings Fwb though, I can't lie about that.

My take on this is that your DH sounds like a decent guy, putting in 50% of the effort for the family unit, consistent and caring etc etc…. A Steady Eddie. Trust me, he’s a keeper.

I do understand that he’s not fulfilling your desire for affection though and that is problematic if like me you are a tactile person and need physical intimacy (not always sexual).

It is completely normal to have phases of wondering “what if” but the reality is that in a long term relationships things like that do crop up, you seem to have a solid foundation though.

I do think marriage counselling is a good idea, if you can save it …. do!