Unreasonable to go through CMS?

[Cmct]

I am 37 weeks pregnant with my now ex/ ex-fwb and am debating going through the CMS for support.

He has not contributed at all towards our son financially, apart from going half on a travel system. I have thought of and bought every little thing on my own and have never asked him for a penny. I did mention that he has not contributed, and he told me I knew I was going to be a single mum so I should go get benefits and handle my business.

He earns 6 figures a year, and is able to go for daily lunches/dinners, maintain an expensive car, home and dog, go on luxury holidays, wear everything designer and even bought a Rolex upfront recently, so I know it's not a case of he can't afford it. He even held his own baby shower, and kept the money he got to himself, rather than asking if our son needs anything (there are still items to buy). All of the money I got for my baby shower, I spent on my unborn son and things he needs.

He said he will be involved in our sons life, and will pay £400 per month towards him, or whatever 'the minimum' is. I am aware that when our son starts nursery in February, it will cost around £1200 per month, so I suggested he can contribute a little more when he goes as I cannot afford it alone and I would like to go back to work to be able to provide for him, and also just have my life back for a few days whilst our son learns to socialise separate from me.

He basically told me that if I can't afford childcare, I should not be going back to work and I should stay at home with him and use benefits, or, I should have 'thought about that before getting pregnant'.

He accused me of getting pregnant for his money, and because I am 'obsessed with him', and called me a gold digger, and it's not up to him to 'fund my lifestyle'.

After painfully standing my ground and threatening to go to the CMS if he can't negotiate with me (after which he told me he will fiddle books or take me to court for custody and have me pay him CMS), he agreed that when our son goes to nursery, he will give me £700 per month to contribute towards it. I agreed at the time.

After months of thinking about this, and his lack of consideration for me and our son so far (he rarely asks how the pregnancy is going, even though he saw me everyday at work and acted like I was invisible despite carrying his child, seems disinterested in selecting a nursery or anything to do with his well-being/ forward planning of his life, lack of financial contribution, and outright lying about multiple things), I feel I want to go through the CMS to get the maximum I can from him (petty I know), but more so to have the security that he cannot back out of paying one day whenever he fancies and leave me and my son in a difficult position.

I feel awful, as I hate breaking agreements and I can imagine me going to the CMS will make him feel like he is backed into a corner that he doesn't really have control over, but from his track history throughout our relationshit, he is very fickle, hot and cold and has no sense of loyalty or commitment to anything or anyone bar himself. I feel I need a sense of stability and security financially for my son, which he never has given, why would it be different now?

I am aware that single mums get by on barely anything, and I am lucky that I do have other support available and a job to go back to, however, if my sons father is able to cough up a little more than what he offers, which will be beneficial to our son and my ability to ensure he has a comfortable life, why shouldn't I go for it?

I'm not expecting him to pay for everything, as I mentioned before I have never asked him for a penny and even when we were together, I always offered to pay half/ never expected anything despite how much he earns. I am always happy to pay my way. I just feel our son deserves the maximum, even if I just put it into a savings account for him.

Am I being unreasonable to go to CMS?

I guess his comments have made me feel like I am being greedy and unreasonable.

Too late. She’s 37 weeks.

She thought he would come back to her if she had the baby and he won’t.

And I do agree with a PP that he’s right, he isn’t there to fund your lifestyle.

If he's PAYE then I'd definitely go via CMS.

If he's offering you £700 and say he had the child EOW for 2 nights the he'd be earning about £100'000 a year.

If he never has the dc overnight, to have to pay £700 he would earn £80'000 a year

CMS all the way.

If your ex didn't want DC then he had choices to prevent that.

You will still need child care on the day you wfh.

I did not think that. I kept my child because I wanted to, regardless of how things would be with him. I love my son and will do everything I can to ensure he grows up loved, healthy and supported. Please take your assumptions elsewhere. I posted here for advice, not criticism.

Take no notice of the knobheads suggesting that you want him to fund your lifestyle.

If he didn’t want a child and have to financially support it then he should have used contraception. He didn’t, so tough. Go via CMS. He should be paying towards keeping a roof over his child’s head, food, clothes, nursery etc.

You have every right to continue working, which means he either pays towards nursery fees or he can give up work and look after his own child.

I would always go through the CMS, even if you end up with a lower amount, it’s far better for it to be formal, rather than an informal agreement.

My ex shafted our child for years, and when I went through CMS, he was underpaying and the maintenance was actually meant to be 50% higher! He also became legally bound to pay arrears. CMS checks your earnings through the tax code / HMRC, so they cannot lie or make excuses for payments. I sent them a screenshot of my exes LinkedIn to prove he was lying about income and employment!

Yanbu. He sounds like the type of person who would be unreliable with payments agreed informally.
CMS will bring certainty- regular payments on time ( unless he leaves his job). Is he interested in being actively involved in his child’s life? He may argue for 50/50 care in the future to avoid paying CMS.

It's never unreasonable to go through the CMS to get whatever amount you should be entitled to in child support.

And obviously he should have worn a condom. But I can see why he believes you knew you'd be 'a single mother'. I thought the whole point of FWB was a shag with no commitments, so it's unsurprising he's not stepped up to be Father of the Year.

He didn't want a girlfriend, never mind a child. He should have invested in a Durex rather than a Rolex IMO.

This ^^ 100%

OP, I was exhausted just reading that so goodness knows how you must feel living it.

Just go through the CMS and cut all the stressful shit out.

Anyway, I wouldn't trust his offer.

Why start a 2nd thread?

You posted about this last week?

My EXDP wanted to pay the same to me for 2DC as he was paying to his EXDW for 1 DC as ours "cost less because they live together".

I put in a CMS claim, and he tried to pretend he was self-employed to avoid paying. I sent them his payslip (from when we'd last applied for a mortgage), his employers name and address and provided an HR contact.

Lo and behold CMS awarded the amount I'd asked him for initially, plus £10 on top lol 🤣🤣🤣 Instead of messing me about as previously, he now pays religiously on the date stipulated, as he knows the next step is deducting from his salary and he doesn't want his workplace knowing how poorly he has behaved.

100% go to CMS to avoid all the drama.

Doesn’t matter what you think is plenty. There’s a benchmarked service that decides what is the minimum. Their minimum is 50% more than you think is plenty. Her costs are automatically higher because they aren’t together. 1000 a month doesn’t cover half of nursery, food, clothing, keeping a roof over baby’s head and making sure that home is warm. These things all cost money.

It will mean OP is more able to work full time if she chooses.

Did you not post this before? Very recently The bit about him having his own baby shower?

CMS can court order payments with the three of jail time if they don’t pay. If he’s a high earner he’ll keep the job. No court will order overnights when the baby is breast fed and under a year old.

Dividends are taken into account by CMS, and can’t be “hidden”. They are on the business tax returns.

if someone has a limited company they are still a PAYE employee, not self employed. It all goes through HMRC the same. The only way to “fiddle” would be for example to not take an income at all, and employ a spouse instead who can then transfer money as a gift.

if someone is self employed income is easier to hide. Taking cash in hand etc. that’s different.

I'd go through CMS and it tell him I was doing so. My reasoning - you work together and don't want it becoming any more awkward.

And I'd do it from day 1. Yes nursery costs more, but you will loose alot of earnings over those first few months and babies cost money to set up. Any over you can always save as you will need money down the line.

Use the CMS calculator online and see what it says he should be paying. My ex earns 6 figures and doesn't have to pay anything like £700 so depending how far into 6 figures he is you may be better off taking the £700.

But it's NEVER unreasonable to go through CMS.

I also advise you keep all contact going forward in writing- preferably an email address you set up just for ex. If you text screenshot and email to that email address. Never ever speak verbally. Don't act like you are prepping for court but keep that in mind with all your communication with him, imagine everything you write will be read in court. Hopefully he will make his threats to go for full custody/fiddle books etc in writing and you can keep that evidence for court. Don't be cared if court- unless he can prove you are a danger to your child he won't get more than 50/50 and if he has 50/50 he will be responsible for the cost of childcare his days so the loss in maintenance will even out in the cost of childcare.

CMS costs about £20 to set up a claim and they will backdate the money owed to the date you apply so don't worry about if you don't use them and then he doesn't pay you can apply very easily.

Another thing about CMS is they track income with HMRC do future pay rises don't slip past and leave your child missing out on money. My ex pretends he's had no pay ride constantly but HMRC know different amd CMS adjust yearly

That's not true. Court ordered my breastfeeding 7 month old to do two overnights in a row a fortnight with my abusive ex. People have took h faith in the court system putting the kids first

Go through the CMS. Have as little as possible to do with him.

My concern would be that if he feels backed into a corner by you, he will take you to court for 50/50. He won't get it at the start, especially if you breastfeed, but eventually he could be granted it. Then you will still have all the expenses, but with a fraction of the money he is offering now. You need to play this smart.

100% in same situation, he is defiantly a narcissist and you sound like a kind loving person who he is trying to bully. take him to the csa if he earns 6 figures the CMS take 4% from you and add 20% onto his payment. fuck him you will get between £900 - £1200 dependent on his exact salary. don't put him on birth certificate keep everything in writing. don't bit or engage with his threats or horrible comments. good luck they are soul draining individuals your not in essex by chance ?

This thread is 15 months old.