To ask you to help me understand marriage & finances.

[sparklealways]

I've realised I always thought about getting married like this....

"What dress would I wear? How many guests? How would I have my hair? Tear jerking speeches!"

I know, In the cold sober reality of adulthood/ parenthood, see that what im actually doing is contracting myself into a love and life with someone.

The part I want help understanding is the financial element. Does everything really become "shared"?

For instance, I have a property, some savings, an income. Passionate about my independence and the fact I can do/ buy what I want.

My partner and father to DD toddler is also property owner. And earns own money.

We don't have any shared accounts. Don't know exactly what's in each others account. Split everything 50/50.

IF we were to get married..... suddenly everything is just "ours"???

And theoretically if we married and then a year later he cheated, all my savings and house would be 50% his to walk away with...?????

I hear of couples having joint bank accounts where all money just goes into and I honestly cannot wrap my mind around this.

Surely you'd need to consult every time you buy clothes/ book a trip/ get dinner/ get nails done etc.

If you have joint finances... how did that happen? Did you one day just throw it all in one big pot or was it more gradual??

Help me understand.

Everyone is different, there is no 'official' way to do things. We have joint current and joint savings but also individual current and savings. Our individual is for buying our own treats/clothes/going out with friends/gifts for one another etc but everything else is split. We earn roughly the same.

The legalities of finances after divorce wouldn't necessarily be straightforward/same for everyone.

Legal differences between marriage & living together

It's not as simple as walking away with 50% after a marriage breakdown. Read the link above which explains how the marriage contract protects you.

We have a joint account for bills & separate accounts for our own spending & savings. We have ring fenced property & assets acquired before marriage so that won't be counted as marital assets.

Do you own another property in your own name and was that bought before marriage? Do you own a property with your partner?

What is right is different for each couple. We have everything shared and pooled. Everything we have we have built together from nothing. We were very young when we got together. I think it can be different, especially if marrying a little later with assets you want to protect if the relationship doesn't work out.

Gradual for us- we started off with a joint account for bills, food etc and still had our own accounts. Now after years of marriage we still have our own accounts but everything is mostly joint. We never, ever question each other's spending so you definitely don't need to be running every purchase past the other! You just get used to it and trust each other

Surely you'd need to consult every time you buy clothes/ book a trip/ get dinner/ get nails done etc.
Nope, we just trust each other not to do anything wildy extravagant. Booking a trip would need consulting but only to ensure the dates worked for the other person who was staying behind for childcare. For a trip together then obviously we'd discuss it anyway to decide together where we were going. Buying clothes, going for dinner all normal expenses that the joint account just covers.

If you have joint finances... how did that happen? Did you one day just throw it all in one big pot or was it more gradual??
Pretty much one day. Got a joint account when we were living together and started putting same amount into it but fairly quickly got bored with figuring out how much was fair and as soon as we were married we were both just putting nearly all our salary into it or into joint savings. Less faff.

Everyone is different. I've been with my dh since we were young and didn't really have any assets as such back then. We combine everything and it's all shared. We don't consult each other on what we spend unless it's over a certain amount. It works for us because we have the same outlook to money, spending and saving. If you're on the same page about stuff like that it's easier.

If you're going into a marriage with assets already, then you can obviously protect them through a prenup agreement. Lots of people do that now.

Lots of different ways of doing it. I like shared because it's simple and easy. But appreciate it's not for everyone.

just to note pre-nups have no legal standing in the uk. marriage is a legal contract by which you agree for assets to be shared. if you don’t want to do this maybe marriage isn’t for you?

I would argue you have already made yourself more financially vulnerable to him by having a child without being married. Assuming you follow the usual pattern you might have 1-2 more and end up being the default parent or using your money to cover gaps in employment then when things break down you can be on your own, responsible for a family and reliant on payment of child support.
We always had our own accounts, more or less split the bills equally. I spent the rest on the family and he spent his on hobbies and going out.
Whatever you do you should both protect yourself throughout the marriage. You could be the cheater too.

We kind of did exactly what you are saying. We bought our first house together just before we got married and had a one account mortgage. So we pooled everything and had a spreadsheet showing who spent what, who put what deposit in, etc

Then when we got married we scrapped the spreadsheet and just shared everything

It’s never been an issue for us. If we are spending a lot of money we just check it’s ok, and that there is enough money in the current account to pay the credit card. Otherwise we both just spend what we want when we want

The starting point for divorce is a 50:50 split of everything, but the result may well favour one over the other, according to need (and maybe history - especially if a short marriage).

But, yes. We opened a joint bank account, and used that as our main (and then only) current account. No discussion on spending required - but then we aren't big spenders, and are fortunate enough to have money left at then end of the month. Savings are all individual accounts, and we spend from whoever has the money available at the time. I "bought" DH's car because he'd paid for a patio to be laid 6 months earlier. Typically, I have more money directed at my savings account, as I'm in a lower tax band!

There’s no rules - it’s what works for each couple. But yes, the starting point for divorce is usually 50/50. We have a joint account for all shared expenses like mortgage, bills; food, car, childcare. We contribute relative to our take home pay. We have a joint savings. But otherwise we have our own money for bits day to day. We would discuss bigger financial things like a new car or saving for house renovation

I think marriage is only relevant for specific reasons.

If you are financially independent like me there is no reason to get married.

You do need decent wills in place if you chose not to get married though (and you should anyway)

You sound similar to me and dh although we married pre kids.

We have 3 accounts
Joint
Mine
His

Our salaries go into into out own accounts and a portion transferred to joint. Day to day joint costs go from there, we use our own accounts for hair clothes gifts whatever.
Our premarital assets were ring fenced (my choice by prenup)

Savings are separate

As time goes on we have shared more.
eg
Our annual isa allowance we flex / share. Ie i use his allowance to increase our savings.
I pay for his dental and medical via my work as its better (he doesnt contribute to this)

Neither of us will touch each others assets or make any significant purchases without discussion.
There has been one incident where we couldnt agree so one person used their savings to go ahead and buy the thing anyway (this was a smallish purchases sub £1k)

I think having the same idea of value and how to live / save is important. We are almost completely aligned on our views on money so it's very easy.

Edit: I married because i wanted children and i wante dthem wothin a marriage. while the higher earner my dh is no slouch and i wanted the security marriage brings (its an emotional commitment as well as financial) and i also didnt have enough large enough assets i could be confident i would always be financially independent and a high earner post children...i entered with around 5-600k worth.

I hear of couples having joint bank accounts where all money just goes into and I honestly cannot wrap my mind around this.

Surely you'd need to consult every time you buy clothes/ book a trip/ get dinner/ get nails done etc.

I don't know why you'd think you'd automatically end up having to ask for permission to spend money.
DH and I have the same attitude to money, and are both trusted to access joint money without needing to check with the other person. We have a joint account for combined things (like groceries, household stuff, stuff for the children), and after bills we are left with the same amount of spending money in our own account each month.
I'm not saying that's what you should do, but I find it odd that you say you really can't even comprehend it.

It only works your way if you truly split everything 50/50
All the childcare, housework, emotional labour.
If one of you starts to lose earnings because you are doing more family work then the splitting bills 50/50 becomes more unfair.

We started living together early 20s, bought a house, and got married. Both worked, neither brought much else in in terms of assets.
We had a joint account for bills when we moved in together and each put equal amounts in each month.
I earned slightly more which was good because women have higher personal expenses.....my clothes hair and make-up for example which came out of my own account. But some months we had no money left by the end of the month so you start swapping things around.

When I was on mat leave is probably when it just became our money...because my income dropped significantly.
Initially you ask for big purchases but OH always said yes.
Then you just start to trust each other. Neither abuses the system. Neither really buys much just for them. Most of our expenditure is house and kids so their is no issue.

I have more money than my DH and earn roughly twice what he does. No kids. We have an everyday joint account for food shopping, bills , join meals etc and a big spends joint account for holidays, big house repairs etc. We contribute to these in proportion to salary every month. We then each have our own private accounts and savings accounts. I have no idea whats in his accounts and he no idea whats in mine .. its not a secret , but neither of us are particularly bothered.

I think it also depends how financially comfortable you are. Some previous posters have their own properly and lots of disposable income and they have enough money to not know what is in their partners saving pots, but many can’t afford to live like that long term as both incomes are needed combined to pay the bills / to pay for holidays / save for uni etc

DH earns the family income which goes into his account, I am in receipt of several benefits which go into my account. We use a credit card to buy whatever we need and clear this every month. Nothing is questioned. If I need to spend money I spend it. He doesn't restrict what I spend.

Edited to add we have had a joint account since we married.

We have totally joint everything - savings accounts, current account, credit cards etc.

When we moved in together we just started lumping everything together and it went from there! We just spend day to day as we normally would, I don't check before paying for my nails or buying some clothes (literally just placed a £400 asos order for holiday 😂) or anything for the house. I'd check before buying anything hugely significant but this amount will probably vary couple to couple.

We're also married now, so it's all joint in our minds as it's just "our" money even more. We don't really abuse this and there's just the knowledge that we won't take the piss and start buying £££ solo holidays or similar!

We are joint everything but have been together since we both had nothing, I was 18 he was 22. We had no assets at the start. When we first moved in together, typical story, he earned more than me, I was independent too and insisted on paying 50/50. I had to pay for my car, he had a company car. I was sliding into debt, he was wasting all his disposable income on stupid hobbies.
Before we married, we decided to combine income and outgoings. It was a smart decision as we both have been the higher earner, it has seen us through 2x Mat Leaves, redundancy, him starting a business with little income for years. We also have similar spending patterns although his £12 haircut is very cheap compared to my monthly hair and beauty expenses.

Respectfully even with a prenup unless it's a very short marriage protecting your initial assets upon divorce is not guaranteed. AND if you accrue assets unevenly through the marriage almost impossible to achieve as they are marital assets.
Op you've got to have the same attitude to money, savings Vs spending and gender roles, childcare Vs paid work (and their financial value) to make it work.
Before marriage DH and I split bills 50:50 but I often paid more/all for big ticket things like travel as I earnt more. Only one joint account for bills.
After marriage and around kids we started to split according to income ratio, making sure our financial commitments were covered (higher earner paying more) then after they were covered giving ourselves the exact same discretionary spending money. The higher earner/part time worker/child care person was always treated equally. We also agree how much and what to save for and budgets for food, holidays etc. We have a huge spread sheet, multiple joint accounts for different pots and our own bank account for the discretionary stuff that neither has access to/ is bothered about. We never row about money......

Check whether your pensions will allow for non-married couples to benefit in death. Some schemes won't pay an ongoing pension to a partner only a spouse/civil partner.

It might work for you now not being married but of you're still together in 30 years it might be more financially beneficial being married.

Date of marriage can also impact pensions, so thinking "oh we will just get married when we retire" might not be as beneficial as you think.

TLDR think about long long term not just short/medium term

Not being married first before children would surely leave you more vulnerable as a woman? Never mind the financial stuff.

You can do whatever feels comfortable for you. We have a joint account for all bills and we both put money into it to share equally and we both have individual personal accounts. I will never, ever only have a joint account. I've seen too many people come to financial harm doing that.

We threw it all into the pot. We were young- I think it’s different if a blended family. You have some clashes along the way as to what your budget plan is and what’s important, but not being financially aligned is a big cause for break ups and I think that’s not often less because you keep finances separate - then you get unequal incomes and spending power and limited
right to input to the others decisions, and typically if there’s a negative impact it’s that women are worse off when you have children as they either take an earnings break or/and see and contribute more to the daily needs for children.
so we did an outgoings and incomings estimate, bucketed it all into categories, and went from there, that was close to 20 years ago.