Dh and son not getting along

[nettlesoup22]

Dh and I have been together 6 years, married 3. We have a toddler together and I have a ds13 from previous marriage.
Dh and ds get along mostly but now ds is getting to the rebellious teenage years things are trickier.
There's a lot of attitude and rudeness from ds. To me it's fairly typical teenage behaviour. He's hormonal, self conscious and often fluctuates between being silly and giddy one minute and angry the next.
Dh doesn't have a lot of patience with the general attitude and laziness and they are arguing a lot. I mediate as best as I can because sometimes dh is right, ds is being rude, but I also feel like dh needs to cut him some slack too and change the way he responds to him. Less criticism, less telling off etc.
It's fucking draining being stuck in the middle of them. I've told them both in no uncertain terms that if it carries on we will have to live separately because it's not good for anyone. But I don't want that. Our marriage is good and I don't want my younger dc having divorced parents because of this.
I know the general consensus on MN is kids always come first. I agree with this and if things did get too much I absolutely would move out with dc.
But this isn't some new relationship where my bf isn't getting along with ds. We are a family and dh has been around more than half ds life. There just needs to be a bit more mutual respect and less alpha male attitude on both sides.
How do I make them see this? I can only see it getting worse as ds gets older. I love them both and would always advocate for my kids but I'm sick of being caught in the middle.

I'm gobsmacked by the replies saying that your husband should step back all the time.

My parents were aligned on behaviour, and bad behaviour was not tolerated. They were great at allowing my perspective, listening and having conversations about stuff.

This type of child is number one parenting is why we have such behavioural issues in society.

I think you and your husband need to agree a common position on what behaviour is acceptable, and what can be 'allowed' before arguing about it in front of your son. Set the ground rules with your son (rules, not a debate, it's your house and family). Perhaps you do it rather than your husband. But in the heat you and your husband need to be aligned.

I'll grab my pearls and expect to be flamed for my old fashioned opinion..

I remember being utterly vile to my lovely stepdad when I was a teenager

I'm totally ashamed of how I treated him. I was dreadful. I knew which buttons to press and constantly after a rise

When I became an adult we had the closest relationship ever. He was a constant in my life and my best friend

He would get really angry and I loved to hear him arguing with my mum. (Ultimately wanted to cause trouble and my mum and dad to get back together was never going to happen and would have been disastrous if they had!)

Teenagers are unreasonable

But .... my advice to your dh. Is to grey rock the shitty behaviour

He wants a rise. Don't give him one. You deal with it. Not him
(Your son wants you to argue and take his side) be consistent and calm

Minority but I agree.

You need to put much firmer boundaries in place in terms of acceptable behaviour as it does sound like you are making excuses and blaming hormones (which does account for some behaviours).

Your husband also needs to learn how to diffuse the situation- his behaviour also isn't acceptable.

''@Maybethisyearornext · Today 08:57
To me it's fairly typical teenage behaviour.

no it isn't. Rudeness and attitude is not typical, normal or acceptable, and most teens don't do it.

I think this is the crux of your problem, you are allowing your sone to behave badly and expecting your husband to put up with it. Why should he?''

Equally anger, lack of patience and entitlement (demanding respect) is not acceptable in a step parent.

Behaving like this with a teenager is just going to make matters worse and it is not good parenting.

You can establish discipline and boundaries without behaving like a bully. That's the issue.

I am not defending my son's behaviour. He can be rude at times and he shouldn't be telling adults to shut up. However on the whole he is a loving, trustworthy and good natured kid. No teenager is perfect all of the time. He has become sulky and irritable. He does get emotional if he thinks someone is criticising him - this is relevant because often the 'ribbing' that they used to do now seems to provoke ds and cause him to become rude and argumentative. I have tried to explain this to dh.
I'm just sick of it. There is fault on both sides but ultimately I have to side with my son. I always will. I just wish dh could tone down his ego enough to actually consider he might be behaving badly too.

no words of advice, just that it sounds hard and you have my sympathy.

I hope your DH reflects and tries to make some changes to keep your family together.

Is family counselling an option?

Honestly if you don't discipline the rude now it will only get worse!
You say he's mainly rude to you, would you expect your DH to step in if it was a stranger in the street saying the same things to you?
I'm a step-parent that was told not to step in and discipline by my parents ex - which I have respected. Everytime I see my partner upset by something the SC have said or done to my partner I lose a little bit of respect for the SC. And get annoyed when my partner then complains about how they act.

Might be in the minority, but why is all the blame on your husband? Dealing with teenage child is not easy, even harder when not biological parent. Dealing with boundaries in blended families is tough, for it to work you all have to work together and all agree what is behaviour is acceptable when tempers are not high.

Telling someone to shut up shouldn't be acceptable, but how you deal with it is important. Just because your husband is the adult, doesn't mean he should just backdown and allow that kind of behaviour.

So you're DH is treating your son exactly the same way as he always has; but it's your son that's taking the huff!
It sounds like your DH isn't doing anything wrong but can't do any right and it's your son causing issues but he can't do anything wrong!!!!

I think even “natural” Dads and teenage sons can clash. It’s a case of both trying to be thoughtful and considerate to the other.

I do wish we wouldn’t hold children to higher standards than adults. Nowhere has OP stated that she just “allows” her son to be rude. But as adults, I highly doubt that anyone here can hand on heart say that there haven’t been times in their adult life where they have snapped at someone, or used a harsh or clipped tone, or been sarcastic. We are humans for crying out loud, we have a massive range of emotions, and as adults who have had time to learn and grow and manage our emotions in a healthy, respectful, and socially acceptable manner, if we still have occasional bad days then why are we expecting perfect behaviour from teens?

There is also a difference between correcting behaviour in a healthy and respectful way, than trying to assert dominance and demand respect when a teen or young person is already at the point of emotional outburst/anger/frustration, which in all likelihood is going to just add fuel to the fire. Imagine you were overwhelmed, stressed, wound up, and made a sarcastic remark out of frustration, would someone trying to assert their dominance, or demanding respect, or having an aggressive demeanour make you feel any calmer? Or would a better outcome be for that person to come to you once you had cooled down to explain calmly how you had made them feel, explain their perspective, and (again calmly) state or restate their boundaries regarding that behaviour? It doesn’t sound to me like OP’s husband is doing the latter, and so I can absolutely understand her frustration.

By 'demands respect' do you mean your DH demands that your DS doesn't tell him to shut up? If you want to co-parent with DH, for the sake of your older DS and your joint child, you really need to get on the same page.

I am a step parent and my older children also have a step parent. No other bio parents involved. No way are any of the kids allowed to tell either of us to 'shut up' without getting in trouble.

I feel sorry for your DH tbh.

Thank you for all the comments and follow up comments.
Thankfully when I got in from work that night the pair of them had patched things up between them.
FWIW I don't 'allow' my son to be rude but as a teenager I do expect a few outbursts. As his mum I suppose I'm more tolerant and empathic of it. But I also recognise that it's not acceptable for him to be speaking to dh like that and have told him so.
Also told dh to let me deal with it in future rather than adding fuel to the fire and engaging in some sort of macho battle of wits with a 12 year old. It's ridiculous and just makes a bad situation worse.
Ultimately we are a family. There's a lot of love between us all despite the odd falling out. I just hope we can navigate our way through the teen years without too many dramas.

Nc fail there but oh well 😂