For missing the fags

[Tintackedsea]

It's been over 11 years but bloody hell I would love a fag right now.

Housework - so, so much every bastarding day
Kids - all the questions
Awful work - screw you boss person
Demanding elderly parents - om actually wtf

I just want 5 fucking minutes to inhale lovely, lovely nicotine and have a wee yarn with a fellow smoker outside. Just a wee 5 minutes of peace.

It was the first one in the morning, the ones after meals & with a glass of wine I missed most.

I still miss it too. But I know that if I have one that’s it - off the wagon, Even though the first one does make me feel sick! I’ve fallen off the wagon twice before - once after three years of not smoking, the second time after five years. It’s been 15 years now. I just eat instead and am three stones heavier- which can’t be good for my heart either!

I started smoking very young, gave up for a decade when I had my kids and then started again in lockdown and had to quit all over again, I do vape occasionally on nights out but a few weeks ago I accepted a menthol cig off a friend while out and my god it was lovely.

The next morning I was coughing like anything and did for a week or so 🙄

No more for me 😭 I used to buy a pack of 10 b&h with my dinner money for 95p back at school!

83p for 10 when I started! Awful when you think about it!

This is exactly it!

My occasional wistful longing for a fag doesn’t come from wanting the cigarette itself- gross, smelly- but from wanting to revisit my carefree party days, back when I had no one else to worry about, back when I was fun and beautiful, back when the weekends held so much excitement and possibility.

That is the feeling it triggers when I see someone smoking on tv.

I gave up 4 years ago when I got pregnant with my eldest. Very easy to stop. No concerns about relapsing. But it does feel like a link to my ‘real’ pre-baby self.