Child contact

[CaMina]

AIBU - I want him to actually contribute to our kids? Ex partner refuses to pay towards anything and then claims I want his money for myself - he tells kids this, too.

I left abusive ex partner over a year ago.

We have shared care and I have just over 50% contact; was told by old solicitor I cannot argue this. Ex partner pays nothing towards our children, he's spent £10 on ONE school trip over a year, and still demands I provide for him. Won't contribute towards anything. I have paid out hundreds between trips and events and extra curricular.

Ex partner continues abuse using child contact - he also width holds children's clothing, shoes etc, to force me to repurchase and will return after I have - he knows because school post photos. Petty things like school clothes, shoes, water bottles, bags, hats, socks, pants, anything he gets his hands on. He withholds or sends back old items too small.

I have kept receipts that total over £800 in replacement school uniforms, shoes, bags, etc since September. I don't message him about it - he constantly accuses me of theft.

AIBU for wanting him to contribute? The financial strain is awful, he earns 10 times what I do and pays for nothing. Not even school lunches. I feel this is unfair as he has "shared care" and I cannot claim CMS because of this.

I have tried to claim CMS previously, he took over my child benefit - I was going to argue but he sent his friends to assault me and threaten me, so I have just had to suck it up because I don't want to end up in hospital.

I'm just exhausted

I keep feeling like I'm being unreasonable for wanting him to contribute but idk.

You need to get the child benefit back, you have more than 50% care. Do you have CAO?

Report the previous threats to the local domestic violence unit.

This is financial and emotional abuse. And the threat of violence. It’s appalling.

Can you speak to a solicitor?

Everything's already been reported, but got told there's nothing anyone can do - it's not serious enough etc

Emotional/financial abuse, because it's using kids, I spoke to solicitor and it's hard to argue because he will come in with "in the best interests of the children", you need to provide for the kids, even though he pays for nothing. as it's for the kids. It's viewed as "petty" otherwise. It's very frustrating. I have flagged it all to my solicitor and written down what kids have said as he's also told them nonsense/distressed. However while solicitor has agreed he should be supplying during his own time, I've been told there's nothing I can do to force him to.

I just constantly get told I have to supply for him and it's distressing when he earns so much more and should be purchasing his own clothes and shoes for them, I understand sharing school shoes between homes but then at least contribute to it. He won't even give £5 towards a haircut for them, or cut their nails, as it's "not his problem".

Do you have a CAO in place? I would be going back to court to argue shared care is not working. If you are having 50/50 or close to it the idea is you provide during your time. If this isn’t happening I would be looking to change the arrangement.

You can't use financial issues to say that contact isn't working, you'll get labelled as sabotaging the contact, being difficult or parental alienation. OP, I was in the exact same situation and you just have to suck it up, the courts aren't interested as long as contact is going well, and in fact look upon you quite poorly for kicking up a fuss.

Do you have a CAO? This should define everything and if this is being defied you have to take it back to court.

Does the solicitor that said there’s nothing you can do about this know about all the threats including any from his friends? If they do they’re an idiot and you deserve better frankly.

Anyway. You need to report this, all of it. I know it’s hard. I’ve been there. Talk to your local domestic violence unit and get advice. I’m honestly worried about your safety. he’s not just being a petty bastard he’s making physical threats. He can and will escalate this.

And yes, the ex is an absolute cunt. He’s not going to change, as you’re well aware. So you need to find a way to deal with him. I am so sorry you’re going through this.

And yes, the ex is an absolute cunt. He’s not going to change, as you’re well aware

I agree with this. He's an absolute bastard.

He should be giving you money. He shouldn't be keeping their school uniform. He should be paying half the school meals and trips but he's not going to because he's found an effective way of controlling and abusing you.

Beyond keeping detailed records of what's happening so that you can get some sort of court order later I just don't know what you can do.

Honestly, what I would do is flee. Rightly or wrongly I really think that's what I would do. Move to where he can't have them half the time.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you.

Mine is exactly the same.
You need to stop giving him the power to hurt you. You're not getting his money.

You got your freedom, that needs to be enough.

Send as little as possible with the kids. We'll even do transfer directly from the car to avoid handing over a coat. These men work off their image, he's not going to let his kids LOOK neglected in his care.

Send the kids in their smaller, less nice clothes. It'll be harder as they get older but explain that nice things bought at mums house need to stay at mums house, if you take it to your dad's you won't get it back. Your dad needs to buy you nice things for his house like I do for you.

What's the contact schedule, its 5050 care so hopefully that's in longer blocks. Don't send spare clothes. They need a wardrobe at both parents houses with clothes supplied. If he argue don't argue back, I get "have you got all their shoes, I don't have any" I say oh sorry I didn't realise I'd got your shoes, which ones did you buy? "None" oh well you should probably buy some then. And then leave or close the door. Conversation over.

If you only send them in one set of clothes and one pair of shoes he can't bring them back naked.

@Whatsitcalled38 has it spot on. He won’t suffer his image as the doting dad being tarnished. Fucking with his head is the only way to get your power back OP x

I don’t have words of wisdom but he sounds appalling and im sorry you have to deal with it. it’s an outcome of a bad system

can only suggest you don’t send the kids in their nice stuff ( but I guess he might pick up from
svhool )

This isn't the case, though. He just blames me, and tells me it's neglect towards our children, and it's my fault. My solicitor has said I have to give him things as it's in the kids "best interests", by not providing for them in his time he absolutely can use it as me being petty etc.

We don't see one another in person, it's all via parenting app. I have refused to do exchanges where he has access to me and he has kicked off about that, as it is. He refuses to put shoes or clothes in school bags, and tries to force me to do as he wants by leaving them elsewhere.

Threats via his friends/harassment, is dismissed as he denies any knowledge. Threats from him aren't "physical" - police have said unless he threatens to GBH you, it's just "not very nice". Even the coersive control, "you need to drop uniform now" (8pm) "or you're depriving our children once again, and being selfish. I will be bringing this up in court if you try to make an application." The police said he didn't threaten physical violence in writing so they won't do anything. Even the nastier stuff, I got told to "ignore it".

It's the fact I've spent hundreds on school uniform including shoes (he won't return them, and then once I repurchase new ones - he can see on the school app - then he suddenly returns them). I have never expected him to pay towards our kids because he hasn't even paid towards himself since the day I met him. But he's financially draining me by removing their school uniform, and forcing repurchases.

Child benefit, although it helps us, my main focus is not ending up in hospital. Everyone keeps telling me I need to fight him - I'd rather be there for our kids then hospitalised over £37~ a week.

You also can't say stuff to the kids to involve them in adult conflict - it's psychological and emotional abuse. When we have stuff missing, I just have to say, "it's not at home right now, I'm not sure where it is, I'm sure it will turn up" etc.

🫠 And yeah I'm aware you can't "remove" shared care... Even just because he doesn't cut their nails or brush their teeth or they come home every other week in rashes or sickness; or he doesn't pay for anything other than new video games or do their homework and they had bruises in strange places you've reported.

Positive though, social worker has breeched GDP. I flagged her months ago as inappropriate conduct, she's now accidently slipped in writing and proven that she was sharing my private information including my new number, medical details, etc to him. So that's now being investigated. Especially as she put in her report she never came to see me but visited him multiple times, and the whole report is "he says" and I can prove some of the fabrications. She gave him my address and everything 🙃

I’m so sorry @CaMina. It’s a struggle dealing with men like this and you should be getting more support than you are.

Even though you are divorced, this is still a continuation of domestic abuse. Could WomensAid help?

I would consider a complaint about the police, it is coercive control which is illegal. Then keep escalating.

This isn't the case, though. He just blames me, and tells me it's neglect towards our children, and it's my fault

Kindly, that's on you then if you're going to do nothing because he whines and pretends it's your fault. When you already know it's not.

We weren't even married/engaged. Thank god. Although he acts like we are!

Womens aid and all the other DA did what they can but because it's using kids, no one can help.

I'm just tired, he is taking money from our kids by behaving this way, the money used to repurchase items monthly could be used for them to go to activities or even birthdays. And the fact he can get away with it because "it's in the children's best interests" for me to provide, when he should be providing in his time... If I did this, I guarantee it would be child neglect. I will never understand it.

The b-word even has the audacity to inject himself into the passing of my family member and nasty, unwarranted comments about my family member with cancer; people our kids have next to no contact with while he claims they're "devastated" and "he's going to handle it".

I'm just going to keep the receipts and the day our kids ask me why their father could afford a new xbox one, or a holiday, or to purchase another escort, "why can't you"; I can shrug and say, "I have a box full of receipts."

I agree you need to speak to a domestic abuse charity which can support you as this is coercive control. Can you request that the school don't post their pictures on the app?

Can you go to school and get them changed out of uniform before he collects? Train the DC to get changed into cheap joggers and t-shirts and basic trainers at the end of the school day?