To think my boyfriend is being a prick?

[MissSqueak]

Today I got upset because I told him I was coming home, rather than staying at work late like I usually do on a Tuesday. He said “okay that’s fine”. He used to get super excited when I wasn’t working late, and I sometimes get really sensitive about wording. As in, my boyfriend thinks saying “that’s fine” is interchangeable with and the same as “that’s great, can’t wait”.

I know it’s something I’m very sensitive about and I’m trying to change.

He flipped and shouted at me, saying “oh don’t start this word thing again”. I thought the way he said this was really rude and nasty. I tried to explain to him that yes, I didn’t realise what I was doing and I didn’t mean to, but I was sorry.

He then wouldn’t apologise for saying something mean without ending it with a “but”. He denied this and said I was doing the same thing.

I tried to explain that I acknowledge what I did wrong, but it’s the way he said it that upsets me. That he comes to me so overly critical rather than telling me kindly what I did wrong.

He just doesn’t get this at all??? He said he did nothing wrong and that I’m trying to flip everything into him, that I can’t just take accountability without letting him know what he did wrong. He doesn’t seem to understand that actually he does stuff wrong too. He said he does, but he genuinely thinks I’m just “flipping it on him as a defence mechanism”. That I can’t accept that I did something wrong without us both doing something wrong.

He then hung up on me and said he “can’t talk to me when I’m like this” and “maybe I should’ve stayed at work”

im so hurt but I can get very sensitive and clouded sometimes so maybe I am in the wrong. Help???

'Joked'

He should've replied with a roll eyes emoji.

I can see I’m the only person here who thinks this but I agree with @MissSqueak .

If it’s ok for him to point out when she has done something that annoys him and expect an apology , then it’s fine for her to do the same.

I also think it’s a bit unfair to call the Op “ needy “ just because her needs are different from yours or mine. Some people need lots of physical affection , while others care more about their partner doing kind things for them. Lots of women like the OP need kind and affectionate words - lots of “ I love you “ , “ That colour really suits you”, “ thanks for a lovely dinner / organising the electrician / doing the ironing “ etc .

It doesn’t matter, as long as you know what you need and your partner is willing to try to meet your needs.

So if the Ops Bf knows that she needs lots of loving words/verbal reassurance / , he’s a bit of a prick not to at least try to give her that. So when she said

“Oh just fine? Thought it would be great news haha”

that was his BIG hint to say “ no of course not, that would be great, let’s walk the dog / go out for a drink / have an early night / whatever “.

There was no need to shout at her and pick a fight.

She was using her words to ask for what she needs. That’s what people in relationships are supposed to do.

@MissSqueak im sorry you’ve has such a hard time here. If I were you I’d have a think about whether he is the right for you, perhaps you are not compatible at a deeper level.

@MissSqueak

Today I got upset because I told him I was coming home, rather than staying at work late like I usually do on a Tuesday. He said “okay that’s fine”. He used to get super excited when I wasn’t working late, and I sometimes get really sensitive about wording. As in, my boyfriend thinks saying “that’s fine” is interchangeable with and the same as “that’s great, can’t wait”.

I know it’s something I’m very sensitive about and I’m trying to change.
So what did you say? You must have said something to him because you then say....
He flipped and shouted at me, saying “oh don’t start this word thing again”. I thought the way he said this was really rude and nasty. I tried to explain to him that yes, I didn’t realise what I was doing and I didn’t mean to, but I was sorry.

He then wouldn’t apologise for saying something mean without ending it with a “but”. He denied this and said I was doing the same thing.
Well often we are sorry that the listener is upset but we don't feel we were as much in the wrong as the listener is suggesting because of a reason. It's quite normal to say 'sorry I spoke harshly BUT you went off on one first' type of thing

I tried to explain that I acknowledge what I did wrong, but it’s the way he said it that upsets me. That he comes to me so overly critical rather than telling me kindly what I did wrong.
Tbh you are coming across as very critical. Maybe he's not the only critical one here
He just doesn’t get this at all??? He said he did nothing wrong and that I’m trying to flip everything into him, that I can’t just take accountability without letting him know what he did wrong. He doesn’t seem to understand that actually he does stuff wrong too.
You seem to want him to take the bulk of responsibility for the drama but this whole situation was set off by you having a problem with his choice of words which is frankly a bit ridiculous and probably very tedious for him.
He said he does, but he genuinely thinks I’m just “flipping it on him as a defence mechanism”. That I can’t accept that I did something wrong without us both doing something wrong.
Perhaps he has a point**
He then hung up on me and said he “can’t talk to me when I’m like this” and “maybe I should’ve stayed at work”

im so hurt but I can get very sensitive and clouded sometimes so maybe I am in the wrong. Help???
What was it that you said that upset him when he chose to use the word 'fine' instead of 'great' (can you see how weird this is to get upset over?)

This sounds like a frequent thing you have a problem with. Tbh I'd be so over having my choice of vocabulary constantly attacked that I'd probably respond as he did.

Can you not see how annoying it is to be criticised for using words different to those you would prefer? He said 'fine' you wanted 'FANTASTIC!!!!!' I couldn't cope

You sound really hard work.

So if the Ops Bf knows that she needs lots of loving words/verbal reassurance / , he’s a bit of a prick not to at least try to give her that.
Completely disagree! Sounds completely exhausting!

Honestly, I'd get annoyed with you too if you are really that sensitive that him saying 'ok that's fine' is enough to upset you. The description of the argument that followed is exhausting and petty. Some people have actual real problems. This kind of petty bickering is ridiculous! 🙄

He’s right though isn’t he? You were being over sensitive and you did flip it to make it all his fault and you were critical of him.

You sound hard work and he sounds at the end of his tether.

I wonder how you deal with actual problems in life 😱

Today I got upset because I told him I was coming home, rather than staying at work late like I usually do on a Tuesday. He said “okay that’s fine”. He used to get super excited when I wasn’t working late, and I sometimes get really sensitive about wording. As in, my boyfriend thinks saying “that’s fine” is interchangeable with and the same as “that’s great, can’t wait”.

But you can’t force a particular response from him. It’s been 1.5 years, people settle into relationships and can’t be excited about everything.

And it’s ok to to get annoyed with each other.

The thing is, you keep saying he won’t admit that he’s done anything wrong. But in the example you’ve given, he hasn’t done anything wrong, certainly not by any reasonable standards. He literally just said “Ok, fine” in response to a routine text. I don’t think any reasonable person would be upset or worried about that or make a big deal of it. You’ve clearly had these conversations before, and if I were in his position, I would be very fed up of having to tiptoe around you, walking on eggshells, having to question myself over every text in case it caused you to start fretting. You started an argument with him over NOTHING and I don’t see why he has to apologise for not using the precise words that you find sufficiently reassuring.

There was a poster recently (I’m hoping it wasn’t you) who was similarly annoyed with her boyfriend for ‘not apologising’ when he got fed up with her constantly asking him if he was going off her. If he seemed a bit quiet, she asked him if he was going off her. If he wanted a bit of space to go and do something by himself, she asked him if he was going off her, etc. She admitted that she had an obsessive anxiety about him ‘going off her’ but she also couldn’t seem to understand that he was not in the wrong for refusing to pander to it by constantly reassuring her and never behaving in (actually perfectly normal) ways that set her needy anxiety off. You sound exactly like her.

If you really cannot cope with your boyfriend’s communication style, and if you really feel hurt by such a completely normal response to a text, then I don’t think you should be together. You can’t police his word choices like this just to suit your hypersensitivity.

OP I would really think about your behaviour here, I couldn't stay with someone like this, I would feel I was treading on egg shells with you constantly

@J0S I think you’d change your mind if you saw OP’s other posts. He needs to end it with her.

Did you go home early from your paper round? You sound 14

Yes that's the thread remember @KreedKafer quite scary.

Given you sound like immensely dramatic hard work, I'm not that surprised he wasn't excited for your early return, super or otherwise.

OP, I would only let someone do this to me a couple of times, then I would end it. From the sound of it, you’ve already done this a few times and he must be getting pretty sick of it. I would really reflect on your behaviour and triggers here to try and prevent reoccurrence. Think how your evening might have looked if you’d just taken a breath and said “it’s not how I would have responded but he is his own person with his own communication style, and sent him a text back that said “see you soon!” Instead of all this unnecessary drama

You'd really try my patience OP.
Good for you for acknowledging that you are needy and knowing you need to change. Your boyfriend wasn't a prick, just exasperated. It's absolutely exhausting having to deal with someone who picks apart your every word and makes a big deal over absolutely nothing.

Ffs this guy has put up with tis for 1.5 years?! HOW.

But he didn't do anything wrong. He expressed his annoyance that you are (yet again) over-reacting and taking something he has said the wrong way.

I would be annoyed by your reaction to his reaction.

Perhaps your relationship could do with some breathing space and a break?

@MissSqueak for goodness sake!! get over yourself!!

You need help. He hasn't done or said anything wrong .

Jeez you sound hard work. Dont be surprised if he stops talking to you completely if you overreact to everything he does say

I used the phrase 'it's fine' interchangeably with 'it's great' etc. My DH mentioned it couple of times and I explained that it wasn't anything personal, it's just how I respond.
Now he just laughs and jokes about it rather than get offended.
Sounds like you could do with taking that approach Op🤷🏼‍♀️

Fuck this is what he's talking about. I couldn't live with you I'm surprised he can.

I'm sorry but you sound needy perhaps immature even.