To make my DH the only earner in our house?

[Drippingtaps]

DH is in a very senior role. Happy in his job. Given how senior he is, it’s the least stressed he’s been in a job. Works 8-5.30pm each day and is a mix of wfh and office. I work 9-5pm four days a week term time only and at home. We have kids (16, 14 and 12). Our 14 and 12 year old have special needs and go to a specialist school. Youngest is very disabled. No speech, challenging behaviour and even their complex needs school has asked the council to speak to an educational psychologist as their behaviour is difficult.

I’ve only been back in work 6 years as finding anything term time only was difficult and the kids with Sen were in and out of nursery and school. I moved jobs about a year ago as last environment was challenging with a really unpleasant boss. New culture is lovely but I’m not enjoying the work. I feel like I’ve bitten off more than I can chew with a big project that is outside of my skill set alongside training people on this new system. It’s a lot more than I thought it would be and I’m feeling stressed all the time. Usually people who run this system earn a lot more and it’s usually their full time job so I assume they have a particular in demand skill set whereas I’m learning as I go and I’m the only one who can use the system. I do this alongside many other projects and it’s feeling overwhelming especially as the end goal is to sell this to people outside our organisation. The demands of the job and the demands of the kids is really beginning to take its toll and the reality is when our 12 year old leaves college, I’ll be their full time carer.

It doesn’t help that I have to stop work at 4 as our youngest arrives home and it’s impossible to work so I end up making up the hours on my day off. I’ve looked for other jobs but remote term time only is so incredibly rare unless you want to be a TA (which I don’t want to do).

My DH can see I’m stressed as can the older kids. I just feel utterly burnt out and panicked all the time. But I’m aware if I give up this job it’s highly likely I’ll struggle to find something else. I’m not especially bothered about missing elements of work as I’m trying to upskill myself using online courses to teach my youngest to use an aac device. DH isn’t worried about whether I work or not. The one who makes all the adjustments is me so he doesn’t feel the impact of me working aside from the money coming in. But has seen that I’m on edge and stressed. I’m 44 now and caring is just getting harder. Is it selfish to leave my husband to carry the financial burden? I’d be able to claim carers but we would lose about £1000 a month (although I am saving him in dog walking and cleaner costs as I do all that).

It entirely depends on your financial situation tbh. Will the family be ok without your earnings and would you be ok (one way or another) if your husband couldn’t work or you got divorced?

If you have plenty of savings/assets and your husband earns well then financially you’re pretty safe to stop work and it really comes down to whether you get more out of it than you lose or vice versa.

However if things are tighter and you are all very dependent on his wage continuing then there is quite a lot of benefit in keeping your hand in.

Does it have to be this job or nothing? Are there any other lower stress (even if lower paid) options you could look into?

If your husband's cool with it, and your family finances can withstand the hit, then...why ruin yourself trying to keep up? It's only selfish if you're forcing him into that situation...which your thread title implies, but your description of him says the opposite.

Consider a slightly alternative scenario: when you start to feel ready to go back to work, why work for someone else? Could you freelance, or even start a new business in a completely different area? What would you love to do or make, if you had no obligations?

You would not be unreasonable to quit. You would also not be unreasonable to keep working and use your income to fund anything that would make life less stressful (cleaner, laundry service, easiest possible meal options, respite care etc).
Giving up work would leave you in a challenging position if you and OH ever split up and if you like the place/people then as you adjust to the role it should become easier

Prioritise your health both mental and physical. How would your family cope if you get ill? Quit the job before it makes you ill.

Can you make it work financially? Now and in the future.

What about a pension?

Are you 110% sure your marriage is water tight and you're not going to be left high and dry with no income, no pension and a full time carer to your dc. How will you safeguard yourself?

If he's a high earner, will you miss the £1k pm?

Do you have equal access to all money and savings?

I'm amazed you have managed to work for the last 6 years.
You are a family unit, caring for children with disabilities can easily be a full time job.

I feel you should have a discussion about what is the best overall setup to make the family work

The may well.be you giving up work.

As a general rule, to 'make' somebody the sole earner is wrong.

Also, think about the consequences further down the line for you in terms of career, pension and divorce.

The biggest thing I am worried about is if we do split up. No real sign of it. Both a bit battered but relatively happy. I think we’d most likely split if I keep on the way I am as I feel pretty knackered. I have full access to all monies, am on the deeds to the house and have access to about 50k in my name only.

I’ve been looking for anything else that’s simpler but my only real skill is admin although have some other skills from where I am now. But there’s nothing that’s a great fit.

We’ve not any luck finding carers. To be honest the chores aren’t so much the issue. It’s the demands of work and the kids, well mainly my youngest. They’re full on from when they get home and I’m either climbed on, hit, screamed at, bitten or they’re on one with obsessively wanting something they can’t have. I just feel a bit wrung out and need some mental breathing space.

His salary doesn’t top 100k. So he’s maybe not a higher earner by the Mumsnet standard. We could manage without my money. It wouldn’t hugely affect our standard of living. I’m unsure how I’d safeguard myself to be honest. I’d get a standard pension as I’d get carers allowance.

@Hateam, I don’t think there’s ever the possibility of me having a career unless something happens to my DH and even then with my kids needs, I just wouldn’t be able to advance as mentally I’ve got my limitations. I suppose to a huge degree I’m financially reliant on him but then he’s only gotten to where he has as I’ve taken on the load of the kids and house.

I wouldn’t force him to be the sole earner as it would be a joint decision so I’ve probably worded it wrongly.

I gave up work 18 years ago when pregnant with my middle child. My eldest is severely autistic with severe learning disabilities and challenging behaviour. He was 7 at the time. I never went back to work. It was next to impossible with two little ones and my eldest, picking him up several times a week as behaviour too bad for the bus, same in the mornings sometimes. We both agreed it wasn’t going to be possible for us both to work and as my husband is a much higher earner I decided to stay hime. My son moved to a residential placement last year. I think about going back to work but I’m revelling in the freedom still at the moment! It’s not ideal but needs must sometimes.

Could you afford to pay into a pension for you from your DHs salary if you gave up work?

I gave up my job to be a FT carer. Carer's Allowance has meant my State Pension will be protected and my saving grace is that I did 16 years in a job with a final salary pension. I wish I'd known that we could have paid into a separate pension for me as well.

I'm amazed you've managed to carry on working for so long with 2 disabled DCs tbh. I know very few people who managed to hold down jobs in your/our circumstances.

I am in a somewhat similar position OP. We have two disabled kids in a special school though I work 2.5 days a week term time (teaching so like you always end up having work in my days off). It's tough to try to keep it all going. Most families I know with one disabled child have a parent who does not work.

@ohtowinthelottery, that might be a plan.

I’m just exhausted I think. Work are now talking about a project management course, would I want to line manage someone which my mum and DH think is great but I just mentally can’t take on anymore. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as tired.

@Bobbybobbins, that must be hard going as I know teaching isn’t easy. It seems to depend on the child but it seems rare that two parents both work when they’ve got disabled kids. I could manage if my youngest was like my middle child but my youngest is such hard work and having cared for them for both for such a long time it’s now taking its toll.