I want to move away - but can I?

[WTFDIHK]

I’m estranged from my parents. They were emotionally/psychologically, sometimes physically abusive. The wider family are a mix of indifferent or have a bit of a spiteful streak. There is no support whatsoever. We have experienced some harassment from them and abuse since the estrangement. I’ve been left with severe anxiety and PTSD which I am on medication for.

I can’t restart my life. They’ve made up lies about me to protect their reputation and in doing so, have destroyed mine. Allegations such as I’m an alcoholic (couldn’t be further from the truth, I don’t drink. But the fact that I don’t drink plays into their hands), they’ve also reversed our roles and said everything they’ve said and done, I’ve said and done instead.

Im too scared to try and get a job in our small town because they know a lot of people and it would be over for me before I even started. They even know some of the parents at my children’s school and we have become a bit ostracised as a result.

I want to move away for a fresh start. Our eldest child is about to start Comprehensive school though and I don’t know if I can tear him away from that. He struggles a bit socially and I don’t know if he would cope being the new child in a school where he knows nobody.

We are on our knees financially and the way my anxiety and PTSD effects me I know I wouldn’t be unable to improve our situation living here. I am too scared of my family. My life is basically a bubble at home watching life pass me by.

I feel if we move away I’m going to be sacrificing my child’s happiness though, but if I stay it’s going to be game over for my life. By the time my children finish Comprehensive school I will be in my 50s with no income and no pension.

What would you do if you were me?

YABU - you need to sacrifice your life for your children and stay. They are the future and your life is over anyway.

YANBU - move away because you might be able to build a better life for all of you, even if it means your children will be uprooted.

YANBU- your child will have a better life with a happy parent who can work.

Absolutely move it would hugely improve your life and your kids life's

Same as PP, move

Thank you for your replies.
Im worried because my son struggles socially he won’t be able to cope with the move. If it wasn’t for that I’d move in a heartbeat.
I would hate for him to become unhappy instead of me.
But, I feel so bad living here that I almost got run over by a car today and instead of my heart racing or feeling fear, I felt nothing. Like I didn’t care if it had hit me.

I’d move but I’d make sure to enroll my child into lots of clubs of things they love to build a new group of friends and boost their confidence.

Apply on-line for lots of jobs and prepare to move.

The moment you have a job, pack up and move, you won't regret it. Remove your horrid family from your life and start to live. Their views are utterly irrelevant and your children will thank you, being away from such toxic nastiness.

Good luck.

Could these nasty people (or their kids) cause trouble for your son ? Would he be ostracized when trying to find a job etc too?

I would move away and not give my address to anyone in your family or connected to it.

I think you need to move for your mental and physical health - if you are suffering then your children will be too - I wish you every happiness xx

You need to move.

Your children will be okay. Comprehensive age they're often making new friendships groups anyway, and any old friends they are fond of they can keep in touch with one way or another.

Tell them you are moving and let them know all the positives of it. Accept it as a done deal, be confident and positive about it and let them follow your lead.

It must be a real strain being surrounded by these people. I have an estranged abusive parent, but luckily for me they already lived in a different town so I can happily avoid them and their unit of cronies.

I bet once you have moved you will feel a weight lifted.

Fresh start, absolutely move - but make sure that the move has the potential to make things more accessible for your son.

For example, does he have any hobbies or interests that can be made as part of the move? Or moving to a more urban area where he'll experience a bigger variety?

Just checking. He's moving schools anyway if he's about to start comprehensive? Perfect time to move.

I was moved to a whole different country by my mum when I was 11. It took a little time to adjust but, ultimately, it was the best decision for both of us (escaping DV environment). I slotted into a new school pretty well - I am autistic so it wasn't without challenges but not a disaster either.
Seeing my mum happy was massively beneficial to me as a child.
Move!

Yes. At the moment he is meant to be going to the same Comprehensive school as the rest of his school friends though.
We have to sell our house first, so I think it will be unlikely it will be done by September which is my worry, because it will likely be an mid-year move.

Primary school friendships often end at the start of secondary school because people grow apart and they meet people who match the new them better. I think it’s the perfect time to start the preparations to move.

There may be uncertainty while your son in on waiting lists in the new location but it’s better than your son having to hear these stories at a future date. I know you’re worried for him because he’s not confident socially but you’d be setting a good example of standing up for yourself. 💐

Friendships break up in secondary school. Get on the move as fast as you can but first year of secondary is a good time to move.

Thank you for sharing this, it makes me feel a bit more hopeful that it would be ok to move.
I don’t want to mess things up for my children. I feel selfish considering moving, but I can’t go on like this either.

My mum couldn't escape her abusive parents and honest growing up with her was depressing. I kept begging for us to move so she could be free of them and be happy but we never did. They are dead now and my.memories of my mother are of her crying, being depressed, talking about all the traumatic things they did to her and just basically bringing a black cloud over all of our lives, and for what? I was happy to move if it made her happy but we never did amd nothing ever changed. I got out of that town as soon as I could and my relationship with my mother suffered hugely.

Move. My mother's fear of moving away impacted my life growing up and still.affects us to this day and I'm in my 40s now.

If you child is about to start secondary school, isn't that a good time to move? Lots of the children will be starting afresh, without their friends. It sounds like there is nothing left for you where you live now, and you need to b able to work. Go for it!

I’d definitely move and start afresh if that’s what you need. Your ds will gain more from you being happy.

However, if you’re concerned, is there a halfway house that’s worth considering? Travel a bit further for work or move towns and drive ds to school? It sounds like you may not need a big move to be outside your parents circle of influence. Even if you had an hours commute to work that’s still doable. Or are there places to live within school catchment so ds could get a bus pass that could work?

Get your house on the market ASAP. Your son will adapt, and you may even find that when you are in a better frame of mind, your son is less anxious and more social.

Your family of origin are insane and you will all cope better living apart.

@Everthenever I am so sorry you went through that, thank you so much for sharing your experience of basically being in my children’s shoes. I’ve not thought of it from that perspective. I try not to show it to my children as much as possible, but they are bound to notice I’m different to the other mums. I don’t feel free at all. You’ve made me think differently about this, thank you.

Do it but it may not be easy in the beginning. I moved after being widowed with my 3 young children and one of secondary age. I also needed to get away from family, certain in law making life very difficult. It was really hard at first and yes, the children did have to change schools a couple of times to end up in catchment. In the beginning, I wanted to move back, but we have been here a long time now and the children couldn’t be happier. We all love it here.
Do lots of research especially around schools etc. Do you have an area in mind?