to ask if anyone else really struggled to accept they were heading into perimenopause/ menopause?

[AutumnAfterAll]

I've just got my prescription for HRT today. I've been putting off the appointment for bloody ages despite knowing that my symptoms were almost certainly perimenopause related.

Periods still regular but have gone heavier than ever (they've always been bad but last 6 months have been horrendous). Fatigue is off the charts, itchy/ restless legs at night, anxious, irritable, brain fog - oh my word the brain fog! Textbook really and yet I kept trying to come up with alternative explanations!

I'm 44. Didn't have DC till 40, that was the cut off in my head when we'd give up trying and we were incredibly fortunate that DC just snuck in there! I think a part of me always thought well maybe we might have a happy accident/ second miracle which is greedy but it's quite a hard thing to get my head round the fact that's definitely not happening. It's also weird to be contemplating getting the coil fitted (for the progesterone) after well over a decade of hoping to fall pregnant!

Anyway, I got really teary at my GP appointment this morning and still feel a bit sad about it now. I know I'm being ridiculous but I think I'm just finding it hard to accept that I'm at this age/ stage of life already, it feels a lot to get my head around but when I mentioned this to both my sisters they both said they didn't feel like that at all - 'it is what it is you've just got to get on with it' type of thing. Which yes of course I know that, but I'm finding it hard to accept I'm not 'young' anymore I suppose, end of fertility etc.

Did anyone else feel that way?

I’m 40 and yesterday the GP said it’s time for me to start HRT. I’m currently a sahp but youngest starts school in September. I feel like the rug has been pulled from underneath me.

I'm only mid thirties but I'm already getting peri symptoms and I haven't had a child yet. Hoping I will, but we've been trying for 4 years with multiple fertility treatments, so who knows.

I struggle to accept it in terms of fertility, yes, because we don't yet have a child and would like one. Also some of the symptoms like brain fog are unpleasant.

But in terms of ageing/ getting older, I'm more relaxed. I do miss being in my twenties, but I'm a very long way off being old, and very much able to do what I want to do in life.

I have started to feel more distant from people I meet in their early 20's and their cultural references are no longer making much sense to me, which is an interesting transition. But at the moment I'm finding it interesting to be coming into a new stage of life, rather than depressing.

I just think we have to try and appreciate every stage of life and ageing is better than the alternative. But ask me again when I'm 50/60/70/80 because obviously I don't know what any of that feels like.

Gosh, I'm 43 and really haven't thought about HRT yet. Cycles are shorter and a a bit weird, but no other symptoms - well, none that I wouldn't chalk up to another LTC, so not peri related.

But I do think it feels a bit weird to leave the childbearing phase of life. I have 2 dc (born when I was 32 and 37) and I do not want anymore. Like absolutely no desire for a 3rd. But I do feel funny when I think I'll not have another child. Like I don't want one! But it's strange still to think it will never happen (I mean, in theory, I guess it still could, but I hope it doesn't, it's not in the cards). I think it's a normal feeling. It's the end of an era really.

@Icanseethebeach has your GP said that in response to symptoms you’ve been having? I know what you mean about the feeling of having the rug pulled! I do feel like ‘I just had a baby 5 minutes ago what do you mean HRT’. (Although that ‘baby’ will also start school in September, albeit at only just turned 4).

It’s a weird one to be getting your head round when you still have very young children I think - when I used to see all the threads on mumsnet about not wanting to be an older mum because you’d be too tired and what about menopause blah blah blah I thought ‘oh don’t be ridiculous I’m no more tired than I was at 25’ and I felt that way right through pregnancy and even with the clingiest of Velcro babies who barely slept - in fact for the first 2.5 years of motherhood really, I was ‘new mum tired’ but no more than anyone else. Then in the last year that’s all changed. I absolutely refuse to let it affect my DC so I put a great show on of running around; playing with them, being an engaged, fun, energetic mum then I put them to bed at 7 and literally fall asleep myself because I’m just so thoroughly exhausted (and then my restless legs wake me up and it’s a vicious bloody cycle).

@IVFveteran I really hope it works out for you and you get your little one. We had fertility investigations and help but not IVF in the end (we were pretty much told it wouldn’t work anyway) so I can’t pretend to know what that’s like, but I do know some of the struggle. Although you absolutely are still young in the way you describe though, mid 30s was a weird one for me because I was going through a lot of stuff and it wasn’t necessarily an easy time, but it was a bloody brilliant time in other ways and I definitely still felt young and like I had the world at my feet - I still felt that up until the last year really when suddenly I felt about 100 with no warning. Definitely better than the alternative - I’m actually older than either of my birth parents lived to, so I have to appreciate that and try to make this stage as rich and meaningful as I can.

@mindutopia I do feel like 44 (45 later this year) is maybe a little early too but the symptoms have become pretty undeniable. GP
was lovely and said there’s no harm giving it a go, we’re starting with a low dose.

On leaving the childbearing phase - yes that’s definitely a huge part of it. I thought that if I could just have my one I’d never ask for anything ever again, then I did go through a phase of quite painfully wanting a second and struggling to come to terms with it. Now I know I don’t want to take the additional risks that come with having a child at what would be 45+, don’t want to risk it for my existing DC apart from anything else, and am just genuinely past the point I could do it all again. But knowing that intellectually and accepting it on an emotional level is different isn’t it?

Symptoms, absence of other obvious causes and family history.

Really hope the treatment gives some relief from the symptoms at least.

My friend who is a bit older and a bit further down this path said that she felt similarly about it when she was told she was (peri) menopausal but actually once the symptoms were eased by treatment and the various other things she put in place, that was all that really mattered.

Kind of like how emotional I'm feeling about it is partly a symptom in itself, because I feel weirdly over-emotional about everything at the moment - if that makes sense?

I'm 38. I've been in perimenopause for about 6 years. Only just started HRT though as noone believed me!

I've got 2 children and was 80% certain I didn't know any more but to have the decision made for me was difficult to accept.

I also feel 100 times better than I did a year ago so having my health back has softened the blow.

It's crappy though as literally none of my friends are in peri so I can't talk to anyone about it.

I’ve thought about this and I think it’s the age of your children. If you’d had a child at 20 who was now 24, you’d probably in your mind feel much more ready for menopause as you’d have a grown up child. Having a v young child when you’re at peri stage, is a bit confusing mentally, because you’re doing all the “young woman” thing like nursery, kids starting school etc.
no judgements here on age of mothers, I was an older mum myself and it’s with observations around me that I’ve come to this conclusion. I’ve def found that my friends who have struggled with peri, have younger kids, and those who had kids much younger, feel mentally ready for menopause when it hits

I get that. This morning I was explaining to my yr 8 old that a car had hazard lights on because it must have broken down and I welling up! I’m fine one minute, overwhelmed and depressed the next and irrational.

It feels like puberty all over again with the tiredness of early pregnancy.

I am 35 and been on HRT patches since last August - I don't want anymore children so no disappointment there but I did have a sense of feeling "old" - I know that sounds like a rubbish thing to say

I joined a few Facebook groups looking for others similar in age to read their experience but I found they were making me feel more negative than positive x

I did find it hard when symptoms started and I twigged what they were - in my case I was late 30's and had just had an ovary removed, clearly the remaining one couldn't compensate. I felt almost insulted, weirdly. Not helped by the first GP I saw refusing to listen to me and offering my anti depressants instead.

After seeing a different GP I had a Mirena fitted, which stopped the flooding. She said she fits more for peri-menopause than purely for contraception.

It was a bit of a strange one for me really.
I got sterilised after my second child when I was in my late twenties as I didn't want any more children, then I had the mirena fitted due to heavy periods, which completely stopped them, so I couldn't use those to tell if they were any different.
Then the menopause just kind of crept up on me. It wasn't until I had a few random, mild hot flushes and some brain fog, together with my libido disappearing, that I realised what was happening.
I've always been temperamental anyway, so no change there, apart from being maybe a little more snappy.
I can't have hrt due to severe hypertension, but according to my GP who specialises in the menopause, the mirena helps with symptoms, which I can only say is true of my own experience, so there is that I suppose.
However, I've always accepted that one day I will go through the menopause, so I didn't have any qualms about it.
I don't feel old, or past it. I'm enjoying life and see it as a new chapter to be embraced. The children are adults and have left to spread their wings and I feel like I have my freedom again after putting myself on the back burner for years to ensure their needs were met.
Onwards and upwards.
I feel so sorry for the women who have an horrendous time of it, I can't imagine the hell they must go through.

I’m with you. I think about it all the time. Life has just slipped by and now I’m approaching 40 but haven’t done or achieved half the things I thought I would, or wanted to.

Where has it gone? How am I not “young” anymore? It’s like I’ve leapt from 20’s to nearly 40. It makes me feel uneasy, sad, scared even.

Yes. I’m mid 40s and have been struggling with this for a while, not helped by the fact that I became desperate for another baby when I hit 44. Agree with PP that it shocking to no longer be young (and I’m older than her)- where did it go? I feel so sad that that part of life is over, I loved it.

I think this is a huge part of it for me. There’s a bit of cognitive dissonance between being in the young children phase but not being the ‘young mum’ I pictured in my head.

A lot of the stuff I read about being a woman in your 40s (thinking the Caitlin Moran type stuff) is about your kids being older; almost off your hands - I think that’s no longer true for so many women. Plus the talk of aging parents etc - again i lost mine very young so I spent my teens and 20s in that phase, although I am experiencing it to some extent with my in-laws. I definitely feel (or felt) like a young and energetic person with so much ahead of me and I still am that person, I hope if I can get some decent sleep and tackle the brain fog aspect I might be able to fully feel like that again!

It is quite a shock just not to be young anymore, I agree with that. And on a very shallow note noticing the way my face and body is aging isn’t nice either. Im the youngest of my siblings by a long way, used to being the ‘baby’ I suppose, and whilst I was never the best looking girl in the room I wasn’t bad - so I’m a bit like ‘who is this middle aged woman in the mirror?!

I feel the same. Recently started hrt at 45 but have had symptoms since I stopped breastfeeding at 43 and they’ve really kicked in over the last 6 months. I feel very young for my age and had children at 37 and nearly 41 so I just don’t feel ready.

The brain fog is awful and I lost out on a job as messed up the interview because of it. I’m trying to exercise but joint pain and hot sweats aren’t helping. And to top it all off I’ve lost my libido at a time when I was hoping for some decent sex having separated from my partner of 18 years.

I can completely relate. I have felt exactly the same. I hadn't thought about the age of children but its an interesting idea by PP that the age of DC makes a difference I think she could very well be right. I had mine at 39 & 45. I really struggled with the idea of my age and its taken some time to come to terms with it, odd as it probably sounds. These days seeing all the lines set in on my face, gray hairs mushrooming and my skin starting to sag whilst referring to myself as mummy to my (almost) 2 year old I occasionally feel like a fraud, how can I look like this but be parent to such a young child? Its very strange. I know I'm lucky to even reach this age/stage - we lost two friends last year both in their early 40's but coming to terms with accelerating through middle age never mind no longer being young (I say accelerating because time feels like it's moving faster as I get older where has the last 10 years gone?!!) I'm starting to accept it but its taken me by surprise a bit. Not just for myself either - if I meet up with old friends I haven't seen for a while I get a bit shocked to see that they've aged too, in my head they're still 25! Hope the HRT helps x

I was about 44 when I started getting perimenopausal symptoms but it took me a while to realise what was going on.

It took me a while to come to terms with it too, especially the loss of fertility. Which was silly as I'd had my third and last child at 33, knew I didn't want any more, and DH had had the snip anyway. It was just the thought that even if I wanted to, I no longer could.

My worst symptom was crazily erratic periods. Once I got a Mirena coil aged 46 I started to feel much better. It wasn't until ages after that I started HRT, and that has really improved things. Especially the creakiness in the joints.

Well, I'm not convinced "perimenopause" is a thing, but I was desperate to hit menopause! It was particularly annoying that my periods didn't stop until I was 56, but very delighted that they did.... finally.

I started HRT last year (45). I'm quite a black and white person and need solutions to problems so I was quite relieved to get a diagnosis! I had bloods taken at the time which were conclusive around estrogen levels. That said HRT hasn't been the panacea I hoped it would be in terms of resolving my issues but my lifestyle isn't great either so I don't doubt I could resolve some of the issues myself through diet and exercise,

I was totally in shock, because I thought of myself as young, even though I was about to hit the age my mother went through menopause. I'd also only just got over a nasty period including divorce. Only recently I was bemoaning the unfairness of it!

But after that I realised it explained a lot, not least my insane sex drive. I try to appreciate the lack of periods now, because my cycle was the bane of my life for 25 years.

I’m 53 and only started HRT 6 months ago. I don’t know why I put it off for so long. I feel much better.
It hasn’t bothered me one bit being on the menopause but so suppose that’s because I’m older and more kids was definitely off the cards (if even possible) anyway.

Be grateful you have a proactive gp. The number of women who struggle to get on HRT is crazy.

@wompwomp I'm very grateful the particular GP I saw is fab - I requested her specifically.

I have also had some issues for a while with 'overactive bladder' - I pretty much always feel like I need a wee and never seem to be able to empty my bladder fully, thinking I have but then immediately leaking when I stand up. Can also be painful/ stingy at times. I spoke to another GP at the practice about it, and was actually referred to a consultant, fully investigated etc so can't fault them there (I was getting recurrent water infections as well so there was that side to it.) I did ask both that (male) GP and the (male) consultant if it could be in any way linked to peri/ menopause and both laughed and were like 'oh no you're still young'. Now it may or may not be (I've read that it can be) - but clearly I'm not too young so I did find that a little strange!