To be ‘one and done’

[Al991]

This is my own insecurity talking but hear me out. I always pictured myself with 2 children perhaps being one of 2 myself.

I have an 8m old baby who I bonded with straight away and love very much. But for me pregnancy, birth and having a baby have been so challenging. I had anxiety constantly throughout pregnancy. My birth nearly killed me. I found out too late that significant sleep deprivation makes me suicidal. As in I will literally wake up from bad nights with the baby and start planning my suicide for that day (granted after a cítele of hours i am able to rationalise and feel better). So now I’m thinking maybe I just want one child. The one I’ve got is fantastic!

I think mostly though the thing that makes me question myself about being one and done is the fact that so many people have more than one child, even those who struggle with sleeplessness or had a difficult birth. Am I just weak? Is there something wrong with me?! Honestly I feel like it pathetic for not being able to cope when people I know are already trying for no. 2.

It genuinely never occurred to me, before or after giving birth, that I’d have more than one child. I find other people’s subsequent pregnancies quite puzzling.

I think you need to talk to your GP about the suicidal thoughts. You may have PND but even if you don't you still need help with that.

Once you are mentally in a better place, you can then reconsider whether you want any more children.

I think it takes a great deal of strength and self awareness to decide what is best for your family and not be swayed by what other people choose to do.
I had similar thoughts when my eldest was a baby. It took me years to realise that I really should have sought support. It does get easier, but you don’t have to suffer through alone xxx

I think you're putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself unnecessarily. Your baby is only 8 months old so you are very much still "in the thick of things". Is there a reason why you need to make a decision right now about a second child?

But if you and (I assume) your partner ultimately decide to stop at one child then there's no need to compare yourself to anyone else. It's not " weak" to make a choice that is right for you and your family. I think your thinking is a bit muddled on this.

My husband and I wanted one child and we were fortunate to be blessed with one child. It was a good decision for us and we have no regrets. I have certainly never once worried about what anyone else would think of that decision; I don't need any validation or permission to do what's right for me and my family.

Echo the others in that you may need additional support through this time to help deal with the intrusive thoughts / suicidal feelings. And certainly not the time to be considering another - 8 months is not long at all! Try to enjoy this time, take things slow. Revisit this in 1-3 years time, there’s no pressure. You may decide that one and done is absolutely fine for you.

And if you did eventually decide you’d like another, you now know how post partum can be for you, to discuss this early on with your midwife and later health visitor, what support you need in place. You may also fare differently.

Please don’t be harsh on yourself; it does sound like you’ve been through a great trauma and still finding it difficult - the postpartum months are so hard. Not worth comparing yourself to others, how well it may seem they’re doing. I’ve found ppl generally struggle in different ways during and after pregnancy, for various reasons. Ultimately sounds like you’re amazingly- your fantastic little one is a credit to you.

I do appreciate the comments saying I need more support. I guess it’s just not that simple though. The GP prescribed medication. The medication does not make me less tired. I go to counselling. It doesn’t make me less tired. The only thing that helps is sleep.

Two of my sisters had one and only, they are absolutely fine. I think I had mine in a fug of hormones. I don't regret them obviously but God my life would have been different with only one. It's not mandatory and your baby is pretty young. Give it time.

Everyone’s different. FIL is one of six. Doesn’t make his DPs better people than those who stuck at two.

We chose to stick at one. DH and I get individual time with him any time to do our own things. DS (10) is happy and confident.

I agree woth everyone else, you are still very much "in the trenches". Sleep WILL come again. What practically can you do to improve your sleep right now? You've identified it (quite rightly I should say) as the crux of your problems right now.

Can you co-sleep? (I did at this stage with my first as he was up an average of 5 times a night and sleep training wasn't working for us)

Have you tried sleep training?

Can you and your partner work something out that prioritises your sleep? I EBF (not by choice, wilful child wouldn't have it any other way!) so I had to do all the feeding at night. He would then get up with our baby in the morning, do breakfast, play with them, get them dressed etc to give me a few hours of aplod sleep before the relentlessness started again, would something like this help you? Any family to take baby for a few hours each week to help you put your head down also? Initially I remember always feeling like I needed to "catch up" on sleep, but after a while I stopped thinking like that and it helped me to cope mentally with it.

Don't even think of adding to your family right now, that's just putting unecessary pressure on yourself and beating yourself down. I remember thinking I am NEVER doing this again, this is SO hard, how do single parents do it, parents of high needs babies etc etc because it IS hard.

The answer is, you wait until it feels manageable again. My about to turn 3 year old SLEEPS through the night, is smart & funny and just a fantastic little dude, this stage renewed my desire to have a 2nd.

Fmdont think about it now as I say, but there's hope for the future I promise ❤️

Your plan to have two is just an ideal and ideals are far from reality! It's probably a lot to do with social conditioning too, but having an only is absolutely fine! I think it's a better option than putting yourself through hell.

Yes, you're in the trenches now, but second time around you'd be in the trenches with a tantrumming toddler, or a pre-schooler who you need to get ready for nursery/a primary aged child who needs to go to school.

I was absolutely one and done when DS1 was 8 months. I did end up having a 2nd but we have a bigger than average age gap (just over 3 years). It took me a long time to get over birth and the first year to contemplate another. A lot of it was down to unrelenting sleep deprivation.

My second is nearly 10 months. Also not a sleeper. But it’s nowhere near so bad this time. I think because I know that, no matter how awful this bit is, it will pass.

Thats not to say sticking with an only is bad or incorrect. It’s a totally legitimate decision and being a better parent to fewer children is absolutely fine.

One and done was perfect for me and one of my sisters.
I too found being pregnant and the whole first two baby years absolutely shit.

Having just one brings a lot of advantages too.

I really empathise on the sleep deprivation. I am the same. I'm pregnant now and 2 nights ago I had a night of no sleep and was walking around, on holiday with DH, considering which car to step in front of. It makes me incredibly depressed or incredibly angry. It doesn't help that I just can't nap. I can't sleep in the day, at all. By the afternoon, once I've had lots of coffee and food, I get over it. By the next day, after 5-6 hrs of sleep I feel great again.

I'm not depressed, I don't need a doctor. If I have 7 hrs of sleep a night, I'm great. As long as I have my routine, I have no problem sleeping. Pregnancy has thrown that out the window, I've never had insomnia like this in my.life and I can’t cope. I'll be one and done also or I'll actually end up killing myself or someone else.

I knew as soon as I had dd that she was all I needed.

Talk to your gp immediately about your thoughts.
If you can afford it get someone to help with sleep training no reason an 8 month old can't sleep through
And from what you've said don't have anymore just enjoy him/ her as best you can

Sounds like you have a lovely bond with your baby! Suicidal thoughts could be quite a concern, you seem lighthearted but if it's a genuine concern please see a professional

I have one. She's almost a teenager and Jesus that bond is pushed at times but she's everything I hoped for and there is no chance I could cope with two of her! Loads of people have one child and it's not a bad thing. I am an only and always swore I would have at least 3 but life is what it is and one is amazing. Also means I get my life back sooner. You're a long time dead and that.

I never got to the stage of feeling suicidal, maybe more so hopeless so I really empathise with what you and OP are experiencing. I was similar to you in that that I really suffered from the lack of routine on top of the sleeplessness. Obviously there's a routine, its just relentless, monotonous and largely dictated by baby and I felt I was just waiting for the new routine to start (back to work/start of nursery) baby wouldn't wean and I delayed my RTW for 3 more months which was the WORST decision. I know this time, like you say, it's not forever, but equally I will RTW as early as my mental health needs it to happen.

In your position I wouldn't consider any more children if you spend days planning your suicide. Absolutely not. Just leave things be with the 1 child and take all the support you can get. You're not weak, but you do have some issues that don't happen to everyone if suicide is up there on a regular basis.

You need to completely stop thinking about this and focus on getting well. Do you have any extra support from your partner or babies grandparents that could help you get some sleep? Can your partner take some leave from work perhaps? Suicidal thoughts are not a normal reaction to sleep deprivation and it's good you've sort help but you really need to focus on your mental health now. We are not biologically meant to want another child when we are in the thick of caring for a very young baby.

You may feel completely different in a year. You may suddenly want to start trying again when your baby is older. You may stick at one. All of these are completely fine! You don't need to decide anything now.

Totally valid for loads of reasons.

We're one and done. Mainly due to our ages but having been through the sleepless nights with a newborn nothing could persuade me to put myself through this again. I love DS dearly but broken nights were hard, running round after a lively toddler is exhausting and we're happy focusing all our love and attention on him. We're both 1 of 2 so feel a bit sad about the lack of sibling for him but we will try and make sure he's close to cousins growing up.

Haha this! I too can't understand why a woman would do it again, by choice! I miss that hormone/mineral/substance I guess, the one that makes you forget the pain and suffering.
I waited for it, but never forgot.
One is enough for me. Also a very good one, can't be topped nor matched.
More children is just not for everyone I guess.
Nb; to be a newly single mum at this point, I am soooooo happy it's just the one!
One you take on your back and you're on the move. Share a room with at your parents house😉

We stuck at one because he was a dream baby, so easy, we were mid 30s and so happy and grateful after years of trying. Had an easy pregnancy and an ECS.
We both agreed we didn't want to risk a second. No regrets 30 years on.

One DD for me. Shes 15 now and every time i watch my Niece or nephew (who i adore btw) it all comes flowing back why i have one! We can afford to do more for her and give her a better start than we could have with more.

Obviously craip that you are going through this but nice to hear from someone who gets it. I know everyone on here and in my life thinks I’ve got depression but after a night of sleep I’m a happy, productive and fulfilled person. After a bad night I want to die. There’s nothing anyone can do unless they can get me sleep.