To not go on abroad holiday with PIL?

[Nillim]

Every year my parents pay for a family holiday with them- they pay for a villa/air b&b and all our food/meals, so all we have to do is pay for flights. We wouldn't be able to afford to go on this kind of holiday otherwise. My parents pay for my siblings too. They do this as they want our company, and especially the grandkids, with them on holiday. It's not expected - they bring up location and dates etc with us. I'm very grateful.

MIL has expressed her upset to DH that we holiday with my parents and not them. He did explain that my parents pay and we are essentially invited on their holiday- there was a lot of sniffling and humpfing.
I had recently suggested to DH that we can ask PIL if they want to book a caravan on a trip we are already booked on- so he went ahead and said to his mum that they were welcome to book on and be at the same site for a week but apparently a wet weekend in Wales isn't the same 😬
His mum made some comments inferring they are being neglected as the less well off grandparents.

There's always a backstory with these threads- my PIL are ok, they have their moments, but money goes through their hands like water. They got a lump sum a couple of years ago and splashed out on a luxury villa holiday then, and we most certainly were not invited with our infant children. It's only now they've burnt through it all again that this has come up, and possibly now that DC are preschool age and more interactive.

DH felt bad and wondered if we could plan next year to go on holiday with his parents. However to go on the kind of holiday they want with all the additional costs on top is going to be our whole holiday/weekend away/ days out budget for a year. There will be no going to sealife, no zoo, no caravans, no holiday with my parents, for a year.
He is umming and ahing now.

Would we be unreasonable to say to them it's a caravan holiday with us or no holiday with us, and that we can't stretch to an abroad trip?

They feel like they're missing out. They would like to invite you all to fab holidays. I agree a caravan holiday isn't the same

Ignore them. Have your own holidays without feeling obliged.

I'd absolutely stick with the type of holiday you CAN afford and if the PiL don't like it, tough.

No chance would I cave in.

Not unreasonable at all. Just explain that you can’t afford abroad holidays as it would eat up your entertainment budget for the whole year so, if they want to do the same things as your DP, they will need to pay for you too as your DP do.

I’d ask them to pay for it all then and then I’m sure that would stop their whining and moaning. I wouldn’t even want them at the caravan if they had attitude. They’d sour the whole trip.

Don’t blow your budget on a holiday that PIL want.

Tell them the caravan holiday is all you can afford.

I wouldn’t get into debt or reduce my child’s overall quality of life for a year just to stop someone moaning about something they aren’t prepared to compromise on themselves. Either it’s about spending time with you or the kids or it’s about the flashy holiday.

I can't abide it when people turn relationships into a competition in this way. The objection tends to runs to the tune of: 'if you do X activity with Y people, you're also obligated to do X activity with Z people'.

No nuance, nor any recognition that practicalities make the whole venture a pointless proposition. You do not have to scale back on the quality of your children's holiday time to appease this kind of self-pitying, dog-in-the-manger attitude. I'd completely tune out their complaints and carry on as you are.

How tedious, and unbelievably childish.

Absolutely YANBU.

Your in-laws do not have access to your bank accounts and do not know what you can or can't afford. You need to tell them, very clearly, that you physically do not have the money to pay for the kind of holiday they want to have with you. Don't say 'if we do this holiday with you, we won't be able to afford days out...' or anything like that. Just say 'We don't have the money for that, sorry.'

If one set of grandparents is much more well off than the other, it can obviously be difficult for the less well-off ones sometimes if they feel their lack of funds means they miss out on family time because they can't provide expensive treats etc. But the answer to that is to spend time with the grandkids/family doing different things - like the caravan trip you've suggested, or fun days out, or other quality time. I can understand why they want to spend similar amounts of time with you to your parents, but they can't expect to spend that time doing the same things if the financial situation is different.

Their relationship with their grandkids will not be built on expensive holidays. Whenever my siblings and I reminisce about our grandparents, the amount of money being spent absolutely does not ever come into it. We remember them because they were kind and funny and interesting and used to play with us. We would not be remembering them more fondly if they'd been on a holiday in a luxury villa rather than a day trip to Margate.

Please don’t be pressured into spending money you don’t have to appease family. I doubt it will make them happy, it’s just about scoring in the competition.

Ive had some cracking holidays in the UK, and if it’s about spending time with you all i really think you’ve made a lovely offer.

I agree with @Haydenn , @KreedKafer and other posters; positive memories can be built on a modest budget. When I was young, working mothers were much less common, and holiday childcare was an issue; my parents settled the matter by sending me to stay with relatives, who lived in a rather nondescript new town. I'm not denigrating it, just making the point that it was no exotic holiday location.
However, I had cheerful company, attention from kindly adults and simple entertainments such as "country" rambles (ie less urban than my London home), trips to the swimming baths, time at the playpark and the chance to roam and play.

Oh god I wouldn't do this. Sounds like a miserable year, holidays with in laws likely to be fraught with difficulties and what happens when they want to do it again the year after?

Thank you for the solidarity.

FIL has since rang DH telling him off for upsetting his mum 🤷‍♀️

Apparently they can't go to the caravan as we were planning outdoor pursuits and they don't want to do those activities - DH did say we can change up things and we aren't expecting them to climb Snowdon but to no avail.

Honestly the cheek. Have they actually come out and asked yet to bring them on an all expenses paid holidays somewhere or is all just hinting around the edges?

Well this solves the problem. You have outdoor focused holidays as fresh air and activity is what the children need right now. Obviously you wouldn’t compromise on the children’s needs, and you wouldn’t expect the in-laws to spend their money on holidays that make them unhappy so it’s best to holiday separately until the children are older.

What's wrong with a caravan holiday anyway? We've been several times with friends to a lovely place in the north east and had a whale of a time! Even though we could have afforded to go abroad we chose to do that as it was great fun with nice people.

Tell your PILs you can't afford what they're suggesting and send them links to where you can go. Or can they join on some days out maybe?

So they want you to pay? This isn't about seeing the DGC is it?

..

@Nillim So they're only interested in making memories with their grandchildren if it's in 30 degree weather, next to a pool?!

Stick to your guns. They're being childish & ridiculous.

I was incredibly close to both sets of grandparents growing up & we never went anywhere together, other than the odd UK seaside!! It's not about location.