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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Obsessed or just lonely?

21 replies

Ilovepugs2017 · 29/04/2024 22:00

Me and DH’s 2nd cousin have developed quite a close friendship in the last few months. Usually chatting daily about anything and everything. I’ve been there as an emotional support for him in the last 4 months when him and his gf split.

Anyway, he’s told me recently that he thinks I’m perfect for him, that we get on so well and that he likes me a lot and would love it if we could be together.

Ive told him that it can’t happen for obvious reasons - that I’m with DH and that we would have to be friends only. He seemed reluctant to accept this at first saying he thinks I’m not happy with DH and that I’m much happier around him etc. I persisted with saying that nothing romantic can happen with us under any circumstances and that if he wants me in his life it would have to be as a friend and no boundaries can be crossed.

However I feel he’s already overstepping the mark and crossing boundaries even though he’s agreed that friendship would be ok.

Spoken to a family member about this and they think he’s become too attached to me as I’ve been an emotional crutch for him throughout his break up. Is it that or could he just be lonely and wanting something he can’t have?

I’ve messaged him today and said I just need some space and for him not to contact me for now….

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 29/04/2024 22:05

Example of crossed boundaries :

Trying to convince me that we would be good together because we get on so well.
trying to kiss me.
Telling me things like he’s masturbated over photos of me

Do I tell DH that his behaviour as changed or just hope that he will realise that he can only have me in his life as a friend?

I don’t want to cause a rift in between the family but I don’t know if he’s listening to what I’m telling him….

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 29/04/2024 22:08

Tell him he can only have you in his life as his cousin’s wife.

You sound more flattered than creeped out and he may be picking up on this.

Huldrafolk · 29/04/2024 22:10

StormingNorman · 29/04/2024 22:08

Tell him he can only have you in his life as his cousin’s wife.

You sound more flattered than creeped out and he may be picking up on this.

Yes, the fact that you are allowing these sleazy ‘attentions’ is unacceptable. Ask yourself why you appear to be flattered.

TeaKitten · 29/04/2024 22:10

Cut him out of your life, who cares wether he’s loanly or not? He’s an arsehole hoping to ruin your marriage. No you can’t be friends

Momstermunch · 29/04/2024 22:14

Well how would you want your husband to respond if the roles were reversed? Because I would expect my husband to be honest with me about what has happened and cut that person out of their life - and I'd have expected that the first time they crossed the line..I would feel absolutely betrayed if he continued a 'friendship' with a woman who told him she mastrurbates over photos of him.

TTPD · 29/04/2024 22:23

Telling me things like he’s masturbated over photos of me

I'd have blocked him immediately.

HampdenRadius · 29/04/2024 22:25

I’d cut him out based on what you’ve put above.

It’s one thing for him to develop feelings for you, it’s quite another for him to actively try to break up his cousin’s marriage and not take no for an answer. As for telling you he masterbates to your photograph - I mean really??!

ManchesterBeatrice · 29/04/2024 22:31

TTPD · 29/04/2024 22:23

Telling me things like he’s masturbated over photos of me

I'd have blocked him immediately.

F-ing hell me too.

Riverlee · 29/04/2024 22:33

I think he sees your friendship as more than that. For him, it’s slipped into emotional affair territory, and he wants to take it a stage further. However, you see it as platonic, maybe because you have safety net of your marriage around you.

i think its time to cut the daily contact. Ie effectively break up from him.

KreedKafer · 29/04/2024 22:43

Telling me things like he’s masturbated over photos of me

Why THE ACTUAL FUCK are you having to ask what to do?? Literally never speak to him again. He’s nasty little creep. Stop being so fucking passive, ffs.

Freesia9 · 29/04/2024 22:46

Does your husband know about this? If not, why?

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 29/04/2024 22:49

Ilovepugs2017 · 29/04/2024 22:05

Example of crossed boundaries :

Trying to convince me that we would be good together because we get on so well.
trying to kiss me.
Telling me things like he’s masturbated over photos of me

Do I tell DH that his behaviour as changed or just hope that he will realise that he can only have me in his life as a friend?

I don’t want to cause a rift in between the family but I don’t know if he’s listening to what I’m telling him….

What the actual fuck?

Where are your boundaries??? Thevfurst mention of any of those things and you should have cut it down and shut it off.

Are you liking the attention or what?

Angeldelight50 · 29/04/2024 23:03

I find it odd in any case that you are in daily contact ‘about anything and everything’ with your DHs male relative. I would say I am cynical but the fact he obviously has feelings for you says otherwise.

This man has not only openly admitted he has feelings for you, he has told you he has masturbated over you, and you’re hoping you can just sweep it under the carpet and leave your poor DH in the dark about all of this? Are you for real?

His behaviour is obviously abhorrent but I have no idea why you have kept in contact with him when it sounds like he has made his intentions clear.

Edited to add: Why are you talking to everyone except your DH about this?

LightSpeeds · 29/04/2024 23:13

You can't even have him as a friend - that wouldn't work and from his end would just be seen as (more) encouragement.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/04/2024 23:15

I wouldn’t have anything to do with him at all after this. What he’s admitted to goes way beyond boundary crossing.

RM2013 · 29/04/2024 23:16

He’s overstepped the boundaries massively. You need to block him and have no contact.

OliveWah · 29/04/2024 23:20

I agree with PPs, I would tell him you're definitely not interested, the friendship is over, then block him.

Closely followed by telling your DH everything. Can you imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed?

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 30/04/2024 10:01

Thank you all for your input, I do appreciate it.

We obviously developed quite a close friendship and I naively hadn’t seen the signs up to now that he was looking for something more even though I’m married to his cousin😏🙄

Not spoken to DH yet to tell him about these boundaries he’s crossed but will be having a chat with him later today after work.

He seems to want to be in constant contact with me and a couple of days ago said he’s sending me a gift via Amazon - my favourite perfume which is just too much.

I did message him to say I wouldn’t be chatting to him as I need some space and time to think and thankfully he’s respected that so far and hasn’t tried messaging me.

OP posts:
Serengetti56 · 30/04/2024 10:08

How on earth has he managed to say all three of these things:

Trying to convince me that we would be good together because we get on so well.
trying to kiss me.
Telling me things like he’s masturbated over photos of me

You should have shut him right down the very first time he said anything like this and left him in no doubt whatsoever that any further comments of that nature would be the end of your friendship.

Why didn't you?

OP, be honest with yourself even if you won’t be with us. You have enjoyed the attention. You have been flattered. You may have inadvertently led him on a bit.
Do you really think it is fair, and realistic, to “be friends” now you know the way he feels about you, and he knows you know?

Unless you would like your marriage to blow up, you know the right thing to do is to quietly, politely and very firmly, end the friendship.

newyearnewknees · 30/04/2024 10:20

You've crossed a load of boundaries yourself by engaging with him. If I were your DH I'd be furious with you and would seriously consider ending the relationship.

Riverlee · 30/04/2024 10:49

How did he know what your favourite perfume was?

Part of me thinks you enjoyed these interactions as well. Nothing wrong with having a friendship, but maybe you were a little bit flattered by his attention. Theres a fine line between a platonic friendship and relationship, and possibly you have both crossed the boundary. Although him more than you.

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