To leave somewhere I love for friends and family?

[cardinalsoph]

DH grew up in Edinburgh. I grew up in the home counties. We met in the middle at university. After university, we moved to Edinburgh for a job opportunity for me. This was only ever temporary (we've both been remote workers for a while, and I'm now a SAHM anyway) but we've not yet left and are now late 20s with a near one year old.

In short, we love the city and our life here. DH still has a lot of family here and they all love our baby and are happy to babysit. In turn, I really enjoy their company and there is always some kind of family event happening. He also has old school friends who have welcomed us back into their fold. We love the city and currently live within walking distance of the theatres, museums and galleries, the meadows, multiple restaurants, libraries and cinemas, multiple baby groups etc. We make really good use of the city's amenities and are always out and about. We also love the hills and coast and are frequently out walking. I've really settled into SAHM life and have started to make friends. We have a very active social life and always have someone to invite for dinner. Our current home is small but we could afford to live in a really nice property in a part of the city we love if we committed to staying.

However ...

I really feel the distance from my own family and close friends, even more so now that we have a baby and our friends are getting busier with their jobs and own families. We used to have a constant stream of visitors but this is harder to organise now and I crave weekends alone to spend as a family unit. I know that if we commit to staying here, the friendships at least will just be unsustainable. As I said, we have an active social life here but I've definitely not got many close friendships and I do miss my friends. More importantly, I really miss my family and feel so sad that they won't be part of my son's daily life. My parents are retired and visit regularly but I have 3 sisters who are spread across the south-east who have only managed to see my son a handful of times. I feel like staying in Edinburgh is just committing to not having my friends and family as part of my day to day life (and yet I meet so many Europeans here who seem to struggle far less with the distance so perhaps it is a mindset thing?!)

We have been looking at moving back to the South East (I don't want to name the exact area but think Winchester / Chichester / Cambridge type vibe). It is a very pretty, sought after area with good schools, lovely countryside, good access to London etc. but definitely not Edinburgh. We'd be very close to my parents (who have offered to do childcare should I wish to return to work in any capacity) and much closer to friends and siblings but still 1-2 hours from most.

I'm really struggling to know what the right thing to do is here. Committing to staying is hard but leaving the city I love (and all the connections we've made here) is also so hard.

NTA in either direction I think

YABU to write so much but Chichester is delightful its the things u don't do that you regret

Don’t do it for childcare and 1-2 hours is too far for regular visits from busy friends. There are so many threads on here about these things. GPs find childcare too much and friends don’t pop round as much you thought.

Chichester is like one big family though

I think if you don't know / aren't sure don't do anything now and stick where you are for a bit and see how it goes/whether the desire to leave grows.

I wonder about the balance of reality vs possibility.

In reality, in your current day-to-day life, it sounds like you have a lot that ticks your boxes. Living in a great city, being close and involved in one side of the family, being sociable at home and having culture, leisure facilities and nature on your doorstep (or at least within a 30-40 minute drive or bus journey away).

Or the possibility. You could live closer to your parents but would your siblings 1-2 hours away actually offer you the kind of strong family network you might want? If they've only seen your dc a handful of times would they (or you) really be travelling a few hours to meet up more regularly, or are they all a bit busy with their own lives anyway? Ditto your friends. With the exception of your parents would any of them really be part of your day-to-day life?

If you were living closer would you spend more time together or are they similarly craving 'weekends alone to spend as a family unit'? Or perhaps they also have expanded families (in-laws on the other side that they have to also spend time with). Maybe your friends have new friends, ones who live round the corner and are the first call for a coffee/play date.

Perhaps when your family or friends are free to meet up you'd find you had already committed to a 4 day break in Edinburgh so you and your dh could connect with his family or join a famly event. Everyone being pulled in different directions. Like a giant Christmas jenga!

I suppose I'm wondering whether there's a risk that you could give up a GREAT reality for a possibility that doesn't live up to what you imagine it might be.

I know that in my own period of having kids and my friends having kids and me and dh's siblings / cousins etc having kids, ALL the relationships changed. Sometimes regardless of distance. My closest bff lived 40 minutes away but 4 years passed when we didn't get a chance to meet up. Other friends travelled between London and Aberdeen 3 times a year because they had dc the same age.

The loneliest I ever felt was re-joining a group of friends (we all had dc of about 4-5 years old). I was excitedly anticipating a return to our previous friendship group, but with extras, that common bond of being a mother. Nope. Wasn't like that at all. But 20 years on and we all had a fantastic time at a lunch together. Relationships are dynamic.

Build strong friendships where you are (wherever that might be). You can't rely on old friendships always, sometimes you can't rely on family.

@Chichonian the place isn't actually Chichester (but I'm glad you like it so much!)

@StormingNorman I'm as confident as I can be in our childcare (my parents do a lot and really enjoy it when they visit) but you're right about friends

@moderndilemma really thoughtful and helpful post and the exact kind of thing I'm worried about ... it is just so hard as to remain means I really won't see my friends and siblings much at all, but if we return it could go either way...

Ok but if Chichester is an option for you I think you should consider irrespective of friends/family (all fleeting, unlike our 1900 year old town).

as we say around here: ‘a chich in time saves nine’

Everything @moderndilemma said.

Whereas I can understand it is hard to be so far from your parents, whatever you decide you would be far from one of your sets of parents, as you come from places so far away from each other. However you sound like what you actually have in Edinburgh is as perfect a life as you could describe, whereas moving to a place that is still 1 - 2 hours away from all you are dreaming of, will still, in reality, mean you won't see them and be part of their daily lives.

I think you are imagining something that won't be reality, versus appreciating all you have, where you are. A bit 'the grass is always greener' but I can't see the reality matching up at all.

I'd 100% stay where you are.

1-2 hours away still isn't going to give you a regular social life with them. So I wouldn't make any decisions based on this part. I wouldn't move for childcare, things can change in a heartbeat. So discount that too.

A word on Cambridge from one who lives there. I do like it but compared to Edinburgh there’s not a lot to do. It’s expensive, near London and a small city in flat and slightly boring East Anglia. If you are a late 20s SAHM you’d be very young for a mum in the city areas and I don’t think there are many SAHMs. It’s so costly to live here.

It sounds like you have it all where you are, and Edinburgh is a great city. You won’t see your friends/siblings as much as you imagine if you move back - I’m talking from experience.

I'm feeling really put off Chichester 😬

On balance I would probably stay put, grass is always greener etc. But if I was in my late twenties with a degree and a one year old I'd also be thinking about opportunities to get back to work asap and start building a career, pension, financial independence so I think the family childcare is an important factor. .

@StedeBonnet this is an important factor to me. I've left my previous career for good so will need to start something from scratch. This will be much easier with help with childcare and means I could start with some voluntary work or go back to retrain etc. I know you can't completely bank on childcare but I am as confident as I can possibly be in it.

@AgentProvocateur sorry to hear that. Feels like such a hard decision! I probably won't see them as much as I imagine but certainly much more than if I stay here...

@NewName24 true, we will always be far from one set of parents which is very sad as we have great family on both sides!

At 1-2 hours away from most people I'd discount that as a factor. That's too far to be regular parts of your life. So you'd be swapping everything in Edinburgh for your parents. That's a lot to give up.

I think you would be lucky to find another place as good as Edinburgh and everything it offers you. I understand it's a loss being so far from your parents but you'd lose the other side of your family anyway. Start planning group holidays with your parents and siblings and enjoy quality time with them.

You'd be ripping your DH away from his family, friends, hometown and support network. How does he feel about that? Even if he says it's fine, are you prepared for possible resentment from him later? Moves like this can put a big strain on a relationship.

@zaxxon I wouldn't be ripping DH away, we are deciding together. He's happy to move. He has plenty of support (old uni friends etc.) down south and better career options down the line also. He's far less sentimental and more optimistic than I am and would mind the distance far less.

Agree with others. I'm close to my family, they live an hour away, we only see them about once a month due to kids hobbies, homework, parties, playdates etc and various things my family have on. Either go back to them or stay where you are but don't think you'll be really close and see people all the time that live an hour away.

I think in your shoes I'd stay. Don't move for childcare, all it takes is grandparents to realise ita not as fun looking after a child every day, or a bout of ill health, and you're screwed

The one good thing is edinburgh is easy to get to (big airport and good trains from London etc) and a lovely city to visit so you will get visitors. Not when your friends and family are in the baby and toddler stage but after that.

@cardinalsoph - echoing PP: i live in London as do a number of my oldest friends (though different parts) but due to the demands of parenting for about 15 years we saw each other pretty rarely - sometimes only once a year or so if that.

The rhythm is changing again now all our children are well into teenage years and need us less but honestly it’s not a reason to move back down if you’re loving where you are. And one of my oldest friends moved up to Edinburgh with her DH and baby son for his career. The plan was to be there 5 years but they loved it and spent 20 years there. They have relocated south now to be nearly elderly parents but would likely have stayed were it not for that. She returns regularly for visits.

Another dear friend also relocated to Edinburgh with her Scottish husband and again we’re in touch more closely now the children are older. The bond of early friendship has stayed strong.

As PP have said, you would be leaving an actual terrific set up for the potential of something else which may well not work out as expected.

It’s hard when one set of loving grandparents is further away than another but, unless you marry someone from your home town and stay there, it’s very common. It was the case for me growing up and is the case for my DCs but we make sure there is closeness and connection across the board.

You sound very happy in your situation, A rare thing on here! I sometimes think that even if you have a pretty perfect set up, you often think "What if?" and the dream is much different from the reality .We have family that lives abroad ,see them here and there ,Compared to NZ, Edinburgh is a stones throw! Cheap flights and staying with DP makes a nice break .Your siblings will probably have their own friends and families as well .I would be inclined to stay put .Another thing that is rarely discussed ,but a real thing is how hot it gets here in the SE. Feels like Spain sometimes ! (Not a fan of heat as you can tell!) Also DGP can find looking after GC difficult .There was a lady here who moved near to her parents and they cannot provide CC any more too much for them!

@cardinalsoph a year on, what did you decide? I'm a London native with a Dublin-born partner, who moved to Edinburgh on a whim (!) in 2017. We have stayed so far, our daughter was born late 2019 and is now in School in Edinburgh. Work-wise we are both feeling a bit stuck and while we have absolutely solid friendships and a really nice place to live here, we are both feeling far from our families and unable to make a decision about what to do - stay, or relocate to near my parents in SE London. He still wants to consider Dublin but if we're moving I want to be nearer my parents than his, as his sisters are both living in Dublin still and my folks have everyone living at a distance. Did you stick or twist?

As someone who lives in the south in a place somewhat like what you’ve described, I think you’d really miss Edinburgh and all its amenities. This area is a place to live when you are much older than late 20s, and nowhere near as vibrant as the amazing city you currently enjoy.
I’d stay put for now at least.