BIL GF is just a bit ' off '

[gabbah]

Very tight family unit, so try to keep that in mind when considering what I'm about to write.

We don't see each other twice a year, but it's more like, every other weekend or sometimes every weekend. We live very close.

BIL has been with GF over a year and we've spent a fair bit of time with them.

We don't know her very well of course, it's not been long enough.

However I just find her a bit off sometimes.

They come over and she just sits on her phone for hours, barely engaging. You always have to try to start conversations first. She seems like she can't really be bothered. Before anyone comes at me, the close family thing is also something she's used to. So it shouldn't be strange for her, that this is our set up. It's also like that in her own family.

She was over recently and thought nothing of turning her back on me. The way she positioned herself in the room, meant she had her back to me. If it had been me, I would always switch positions so that I didn't turn my back on anyone. It's rude. There was space. She could have sat elsewhere.

It just always feels a bit off. I wouldn't go to someone's house and just sit on my phone or turn my back on the host ( or anyone ).

I am obviously very warm with her when we see each other etc and try and make her feel as welcome as I can.

I will give it more time and always be polite and welcoming as I love BIL, but finding it a bit difficult sometimes. Things may get better. I didn't have a great feeling from the start and thought that giving it time, would make things better, but it's just not getting any better.

She probably fucking hates us or something, who knows but it's just not ideal.

I'm not going to start slagging off his GF to him.

I don't think there's much I can do. I just came on to rant / have a convo. I can't do much. I'll just keep supporting my BIL.

I didn’t say you forced her. It might be him and it might just be a general unspoken expectation (for his or her perspective).

i think possibly neurodiverse too tho - I have adhd and find sitting in one place when I’m not very very interested in something really hard.

What about if you liked his family ? So is it OK to hang out with friends once every couple of weeks ? Or is that also too much ? Or does it just bother people that it's family hanging out ?

I do like his family. Still don't want to have to get together with them more than once or twice a year. Friends are different. As the saying goes, friends are the family we choose for ourselves.
In all honesty, BIL gf has chosen him, not his family. I'm sure she likes you all but probably doesn't want to have to come visiting once or twice a month, every month.

Hanging out for hours in family members' homes. <shudder>

They probably have this conversation, "I never see you" "well come to SIL's house then" "can't we go anywhere else?" "No, if you want to hang out come" "Urg, if I have to" "you're so rude not talking to SIL" "just because I love you, doesn't mean I love your family" "well we go to your family endlessly as well" and on and on.

My first marriage in a nutshell. Enmeshed horror.

I might be able to manage seeing my own family this often, I couldn't bear to see my DH family this much. I would be full of rage inside. Your BIL should probably come on his own more often, and let her go see her family.

But we have chosen to be friends with my husband's family.

I think you can actually choose to be friends with family too. Personally I much prefer to be friends with family. Friends that aren't family haven't stuck around the same way that family have. In my life anyway, sadly. Family in my life have always stuck around.

I live far from my own family but still make massive efforts to see and stay in touch with them as much as possible. They're the people I talk to daily and spend most of my time with. ( my family and DH family ).

I love my BIL ( my DH'a brother ) and my SIL ( DH sister ) and we enjoy spending time together.

I have friends too, but as soon as the going gets tough, they always disappear. Family doesn't. That's just my experience though. Each to their own.

If your family, then she sit there on her phone, probably like she would at home?

What do you want her to do?

I mean, if I visited my brother, I wouldn't do that.

I might do that if I'm staying at my parents house for a couple of weeks..after dinner on the sofa. But not if I was just visiting my parents for a couple of hours in the afternoon.

I would have ( maybe ) behaved that way when I was a teen, if my parents dragged me along to see their friends or something. That's kind of how she behaves.

but there's your answer @gabbah

😂

Absolutely howling at this

You seem unsure on frequency but it sounds like a lot of visits. This would drive most people insane.

How long is each visit?

I mean she does sound a bit rude but I'm guessing there's a reason for it.

How she is with her own family doesn't compare because they're her family.

You're just her boyfriend's SIL so maybe she doesn't feel the need to ingratiate herself too much, especially at this stage.

What's she like with his parents?

It sounds like she does interact with the kids just not the adults?

If you do want to get to know her more maybe ask BIL what her interests are and try to talk to her about that? Or an activity like a game to mix things up?

Regularly visiting family, especially his, would be mentally exhausting to me.

"But we have chosen to be friends with my husband's family."

Just because YOU'VE chosen that doesn't mean she has to, nor does it make her wrong.

Liking your partner's family and being "friends" with them are different things.

It sounds like you're more inclined to spend so much time with family because of your experiences, and also your family being so far away. You need to remember your experiences, needs, and feelings are your own - and stop trying to fit someone who clearly doesn't share them into your idea of how things 'should' be.

I was married for 16 years. Not at all close with my BIL and SIL. Rarely saw them. On the other hand I'm close to my brother's wife and see them regularly. There was nothing wrong with BIL and SIL - it's just ExH was the only thing we had in common. I didn't dislike them, we were just different people.

She's not obliged to be your friend, and you really need to stop projecting your opinions on who 'should' be friends on other people.

She's just not that into you - and that's perfectly OK.

Some of my friends are the best to visit because we have an understanding that if we are spending a long time together we can all just spend a little time just on our phones, "recouping" our social battery before engaging again. It's comfortable between us

It sounds like you had issues with her from the start. She probably picked up on that and doesn't see the point in trying and finds your attempts super false

I was replying to a poster that said she would never be friends with family or something along those lines. I don't expect my BIL's GF to act like I do. But he clearly does. Otherwise he wouldn't keep bringing her around.

"But he clearly does. Otherwise he wouldn't keep bringing her around."

Or he loves her, and likes to spend his free time with even if that means bringing her to your house.

She's "clearly" coming for him, not everyone else - and yet you assume his motives are about him wanting her to he like you (a touch arrogant?), and not that he wants her there because he likes spending his time with her, even when with you. 😮🙄

I hate to break it to you, but it's highly unlikely he wants her to be like you, he just wants to spend time with the woman he loves, and his family.

You seem to have an issue with her because she doesn't fit your mould - but he has chosen her, knowing she doesn't. Stop judging her for not being as you would prefer, and be glad she agrees to come, otherwise you may end up seeing less of them both.

Oh dear.. wow.

You misunderstood. I meant he clearly wants her around his family. Not that he wants her to ' be like me '.

He wants that relationship with his family. Otherwise he wouldn't keep bringing her around.

It's clearly important to him to have that relationship with us and he wants her to be part of that.

It's nothing to do with me being arrogant. It's just his preference. He will find it difficult if the woman he's with ( whether it's her or a future GF ) doesn't like to spend time with his family. It's important to him, clearly. That's what I meant.

But she is spending time with his family, she just isn't participating in the same way you do, or in the way you think is right.

You seem very overinvested in your BILs life. "He will find it difficult..." "BIL GF is just a bit 'off'" etc etc. You've judged her throughout this post and now you're deciding what he will or won't find "difficult".

The only thing that matters is if he is happy - not whether you think something may not be difficult, not your opinion of his gf, not her differences to how you or the rest of the family behave.

In fact your entire thread is about how you feel, your opinion, and what you think he may find hard.

It's not about you.

If he's happy, be happy for him, and stop finding fault - he's chosen her, as she is. She could be around for fifty years.

Your BIL has eyes doesn't he? He can see if she's sat with her back to people or looking at her phone and not interacting with you all? If he seems ok with it, maybe that's just what she's like 🤷‍♀️ I think I'd make about as much effort with her as she's making with you, i.e. not much!

@Noseybookworm I've noticed him looking uncomfortable a few times at her behaviour.

It's just a shame as I'm slowly starting to dread the visits.

You can’t get on with everyone in life, OP. Just accept it and move on.

Tell her.... 'know your place!!' You have to EARN acceptance by us. You have to acknowledge our superiority, we are considerably better than you'?!

Her behaviour or you and the family's behaviour?

It's just a shame as I'm slowly starting to dread the visits.

That's a bit dramatic isn't it?

It's only every other weekend, or once or twice a month (not sure because you changed it).

Far too Peggy Mitchell but it's faaaaamillly for my liking.

Plus, if she was really popular and the whole family loved her, I suspect you'd be unhappy about that too.